


Ten Thousand Days

by MrsStuffNThangs



Category: The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2019-06-05 16:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 54,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15174602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsStuffNThangs/pseuds/MrsStuffNThangs
Summary: Years after the fall, Carl Grimes emerges as the resilient but troubled leader to his family and others who seek sanctuary in a world ruled by wicked men and the walking dead. Sequel to "Flesh and Bone". Please read that first. I do not own The Walking Dead or its characters...darn.





	1. The Headstone

January 14, 2041: The Headstone

Carl was always the first one awake in his family. Most days, he was one of the first ones awake on the entire island. He took a hot shower, threw on a pair of well-worn jeans, a gray flannel shirt and his boots. He grabbed his coffee, his coat, closed the front door quietly and walked briskly the mile down the dirt roads to the cemetery.

The sharp, morning wind felt like needles on Carl's grizzled face. Winter was in full force and the dark, billowy clouds covered the rising sun. He blew warm air into his free hand then slipped it into the pocket of his wool coat. He walked through the cemetery on the well-kept paths that separated the five rows of graves. He stopped at the last grave at the end of the fifth row and stared down at the headstone. He studied the marker carefully, mentally tracing each letter and number engraved into the stone.

Once a week, whether the chaos in his life allowed it or not, Carl went to his grave and talked to him. It had become his routine to visit every Saturday morning. It felt good to be near him. To tell him the events of the last week. Talking to him grounded Carl and cleared his head. Hearing his own thoughts spoken out loud, allowed him to better understand what he was going through. Afterwards, after his head was clear, he could focus on the upcoming week and all the responsibilities it held. And when he spoke here, there was no need for a filter. He said what he wanted and held nothing back. Of course there were others to talk to but this was different.

And today was different too. Today marked exactly six months since his death. 

Six months ago, the day after they buried his father in the cold, dark earth, Carl was still in a dazed shock, grieving hard, like he never had before. He hadn't meant to walk to the cemetery but his legs had a mind of their own and before he even noticed where he was walking, he found himself back there, standing in front of the grave as tears covered his face.

 

Richard Thomas Grimes  
Devoted Father  
Beloved Husband  
Born September 22, 1972  
Departed July 14, 2040

 

On that first day, the day after his burial, Carl read and reread the epitaph on the gravestone at least twenty times etching it into his mind. It seemed so arbitrary, as if this particular combination of words and dates could fairly sum up, to whoever might read it, who his father was. That was the nature of a grave marker though. A block of stone that tried, and sorely failed to tell the story of a life. Could a stone ever tell someone exactly how devoted and beloved a father and husband was? Could it speak to a person's bravery, wisdom, humor? Could it convey the integrity of the person who's body rested underneath it?

Everyone on Penland Island, and the surrounding islands also, knew who Carl Grimes was. He was their steadfast leader. The one who had brought them here when they needed a home. He made a life for those who sought refuge there. He sustained the nearly 1,700 people with what he established on the small North Carolina islands. He was recognized by most everyone and esteemed by those in his inner circle as well as those who knew him just by name or reputation.

But Rick Grimes wasn't known like his son. Most people were unaware that if it were not for Rick, none of them would be there. They were oblivious to Carl's origins as a leader which had everything to do with his father. His father made him who he was. 

In the beginning, when Carl first began to lead, he was just the figurehead. Very few people knew that almost every decision he made was painstakingly discussed at length and in great detail with his father. They didn't know that what was in place and the life they lived was not because of who he was but because of who is father was. That was a long time ago. 

Carl took a generous gulp of his black coffee. “Hey Dad. How are you?” Carl asked, his voice already cracking. “I'm okay. I'd like to say I'm great but I won't lie to you. I'm not great today but I'm okay. And like you used to say, 'okay is pretty good these days.'

“I've been trying to look out for Judith and Eva but they don't need me like they used to. Not anymore. Judy's good though. I think she's dealing with the loss better than I am. I haven't seen her all week but last time I saw her, she seemed happy. You know how busy she is with her family and all the projects she juggles. She's a good mama to those kids. Can you believe how many grand kids you have. It always blows my mind to think of how many people are here because of you. I'm proud of that.

“Eva's good too...at least I think she is. She's harder to read than Judy. She's still out on the road. Been gone for almost three weeks now. Nothing holds her back. I should know better than to try and manage her. She has a mind of her own and drives me crazy. What else could I expect from her knowing she's part of this family. Apple didn't fall far from the tree with her. She's so much like Mom, it's crazy. You already know that though. But she's doing her thing...working on another trade route and helping me make this place better and better.

“Mom she...she misses you so much,” Carl said choking back tears again. “I think she likes living with us. I know I like it. We talk a lot. Even more now than before since we live together again. She's taking it easy – I mean she's taking it as easy as she knows how,” Carl chuckled. “But she misses you. She mostly does okay during the day but at night...at night she still cries a lot. She's having bad dreams again. I know she wishes you were next to her to comfort her the way you used to when she would have them. I ask her if she's okay in the morning and she says she just misses you. She'll be okay though. I know she will. I'm taking good care of her and believe it or not, she let's me. She tells me at least once a week how much I remind her of you. It makes her happy and sad at the same time. I guess it makes me happy and sad too.

From the corner of his eye, something caught Carl's attention. He looked away from his father's grave at a squirrel running up a tree. He watched it as it ran across a limb, then jumped to a branch on the next tree over. “Remember how many squirrels we ate when we were on the road?” Carl smiled. “We always made it through whatever came our way. We always figured it out. You...you always made the best of every situation. I'm trying to do that now but I miss you Dad. I really miss you. I can't stop thinking about you. I know you wouldn't want me to do that but I can't help it.” Carl dug the toe of his boot into the ground, a nervous tick he'd had since he was a kid. “Lately I can't sleep. Can't think straight. I don't even want to. This winter feels colder than any winter I remember...probably because you're gone. I'm not sure why this is so hard. We've lost so many but this...losing you...for some reason, it's hurt me more than all the others have. I don't think it's normal for a 44 year old man to carry on like this. But I guess I saw you cry and feel this way a time or two when you were my age. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. 

“I keep thinking about something that happened one day a long time ago. Something I never told you about. After the Governor nearly killed you and we thought Judy was dead. After Hershel died and we barely made it out of the prison. We made it to a house. Do you remember that house? You were unconscious. You were pretty beat up and just lying there on the floor and I remember thinking you were going to die.” Carl looked down shamefully. “I was an idiot and I was angry. I thought I was angry at you but really I was just angry at life...life the way it was. And I was horrible to you, Dad. I went off on you...screaming and yelling and telling you that everything was your fault. Hershel, Judy, Mom...the others, I blamed all of them being dead on you. I told you I hated you. I told you I wanted you to die. In that moment, I thought I hated you. But I didn't. Of course I didn't. I was just telling you all that because I thought you might die. And I thought that if you did, it might be easier on me if I tried to hate you first. But I couldn't. As much as I wanted to hate you, it was impossible. I knew it wasn't really your fault. None of it. I knew you loved me and Judy and Mom and everyone else. I knew you'd trade your life in a heartbeat for any one of ours. And now - now that I'm where you used to be, leading others and feeling the weight and responsibility of that, and seeing the repercussions of my mistakes, I know how strong you were then. I've been where you were more times than I can count. I'm sorry for trying to hate you that day. I'm sorry that I wished you were dead that day, even it was just for a few minutes...even for just a few seconds,” Carl cried. “I'm so sorry, Dad because if I could...if I could have you back now, I'd do anything. If I could hear your voice talk back to me even one more time, I'd trade anything for that,” he said weeping. “I miss you Dad. I miss you so much.”

Standing at his father's grave, Carl felt broken. The same way he felt when his father had just been taken from them, six months ago. Death played tricks on you. Sometimes the loss would feel like a memory from long ago, while just a moment later it's sting could feel as recent as that morning. Some days you thought you were fine, moving forward, maybe even feeling happy again. Then suddenly, the rug was pulled out from underneath your feet and the fall made you realize you were just as broken today as you were when it first happened. Whatever the cruel tricks were that death played on Carl, they hurt. Today felt like one of those days where it got the best of him and the pain he felt in his heart made his body, mind and soul ache.

Carl took his hand out of his pocket and placed it on the headstone. That was part of the routine too. He knew that cold, hard and lifeless piece of granite was no substitute for his father but touching it made him feel just a little closer, like he was reaching out to him. His hand lingered a little longer today. Six months. Six months since his mentor, his hero, his friend, his father had been cruelly taken from him. It wasn't fair but Carl was wise enough now to know that most things weren't.

Carl finally wiped the tears that had freely fallen, off of his face. He sighed and looked up into the sky. The sun was trying to peek out from behind the clouds. “Bye, Dad,” he said lifting his hand off of the gravestone. “I'll see you next week.”

Carl wasted no time walking back home. As usual there was work to be done. And as usual, Carl was ready and willing to do it, just like his dad always was.

…..

“Hey Mom,” Carl said as he closed the back door and walked into the kitchen. Michonne was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea. There was a sliced apple on a plate, untouched and already turning brown. He walked up to her and kissed her on top of her head.

“Hey sweetie,” Michonne replied as she mindlessly ran her finger over the rim of her teacup, staring at her tea. 

“You alright?” Carl asked.

“No.”

Carl pulled a chair out and sat down at the table next to her. He read the heartbreak all over her face. “Thinking about Dad,” he stated more than asked.

Michonne nodded, still staring into her teacup. “You were just at the cemetery?”

“Yeah.” 

“How are you feeling?” she said finally looking up at him.

“Kind of like you'd expect. Kind of like how I've been feeling all week. Sad,” Michonne could hear the pain in his tone. “But I had a good talk with him. It's stupid, I know...still going to the cemetery and talking to Dad after he's been gone so long. You probably think I'm losing my mind.” Carl looked down, embarrassed.

“I still talk to him too...it's not stupid. You have to do what helps and if that helps, you should keep doing it.”

“It does help. It helps because in almost every situation, I know what he would say.” Carl grabbed an apple slice off of her plate and stuffed the whole piece into his mouth. “Today was different though. Usually when I go to see him, it's a lot of business. You know, what should I do about this problem or that situation. But today I just talked about us. No business, just family stuff. I told him how the girls were doing. How you and I are doing. I told him how much we miss him. I got stuff off my chest that I've been holding onto for too long. It was good.” Carl placed his hand on hers. “Would you want to try and go with me – you know, to see him?”

Michonne adamantly shook her head, “I don't think that's a good idea.”

“Why not?”

She inhaled and exhaled slowly. “Over the last few months, I've been holding it together, but just barely. You know that...you've seen me. I've been treading water but I still feel like I'm drowning...every day I feel like I'm drowning.” Michonne looked away from Carl and back down at her teacup. “If I go see him, if I even go to that cemetery, I'll lose it. I'll break. And I don't want to break. I'm hurting too much right now to make myself hurt more. It helps you go there and I think that's really good. But it's won't help me. I know that part of this grief is going to mean moving forward and I will. I will move forward and maybe even be happy again, but today is not that day. I just don't have it in me.”

“You do have it in you. I don't want to push you – I won't push you, but you do have it in you. You're the strongest person I know.”

“Your dad would always tell me that too,” she said looking out the kitchen window dreamily. “I wasn't the strongest but I was pretty good at faking it when I needed to.”

“Nice try, but I know better,” Carl said smiling at her admiringly. “Dad didn't say it because you had him fooled. He said it because it was true.”

A modest smile appeared on Michonne's face. Carl always had the ability to make her feel better in a way no one else could.

Michonne had very close relationships with all three of her children. She did everything so effortlessly well, and motherhood was certainly no exception. She was very close with Judith and Eva. The girls readily confided in their mother and always listened to her and valued her wisdom. The love, faith, passion and strength Michonne had always possessed, was passed down to her daughters and they readily grabbed onto it and worked it into the fabric of their own lives. Her daughters loved her and their esteem for her had no limits.

All that was true of Carl too but it went even further than that. Though not her blood, she felt an inseparable kinship to him that couldn't be explained. Maybe it was because of the trials they traversed together throughout the years, especially in the beginning. Maybe it was because she appeared in his life right when his mother was taken from him – right when he needed her most. Maybe because when she looked at Carl, she imagined him to be every bit the man she would have raised her precious Andre to be. Maybe it was because he reminded her so much of Rick. For whatever reason, they were kindred spirits who cherished the beautiful mother and son relationship they had built over the years. Other than Rick, the love of her life, she was closer to Carl than she was to anyone else. Now that her husband and best friend was gone, Carl was who she considered her closest friend.

Michonne stood from the table and took her dishes to the counter. “I know you have things to do today and I'm not going to keep you from them by crying on your shoulder all morning.”

“Are you still going to take the kids to Wyatt's birthday party later?”

“Of course,” Michonne said. “Mrs. Lewis is the best baker here and I'm sure there will be birthday cake there. And on a day like today I need cake.”

“Well I do actually have to get to work but...are you gonna be okay?” Carl asked with concern as he placed his hand on her shoulder.

“Come here kid.” Carl moved closer and they put their arms around each other in a loving embrace. Michonne leaned her head on his shoulder as tears came from her eyes. “I'll be okay...and like your dad used to say, 'Okay is pretty good these days.'” She released him and wiped her tears away with a dish towel. “Now go. Get your work done and get home early. I'm making roast beef for dinner and I want you home by six,” she said shaking her finger a him.

“I'll be home by six. Promise,” he said walking away. “Love you Mom.”


	2. For Better or For Worse

April 8, 2015: For Better or For Worse

“Mom, Dad, can I talk to you?” Carl asked as he walked into the attic. It was early in the morning, before 7:30, and Carl wanted to catch them before they started their busy days.

Rick had just buckled his belt and gave Carl a hurried look, “It's not really a good time right now. Glenn and Abraham are waiting for me.”

“It's important, Dad,” Carl replied.

“So is water. You know that these water runs have to be done a certain way and at a certain time,” Rick said impatiently.

“You don't have to tell me how important water is. I know.”

“Well then you know I have to go.”

“Can't you just give me ten minutes?”

“There's a break in the herd right now and I'm not going to take a chance waiting so we can talk right now,” Rick said grabbing his jacket and heading for the staircase. He quickly kissed Michonne, “Talk to your mom.” Carl listened to his father's boots hit each step as he descended down the stairs. He listened to the bang of the door as it slammed shut at the bottom.

“He's such an asshole sometimes,” Carl said venomously.

“Don't you talk about your dad that way...especially around your sisters,” Michonne said scolding him.

“Sorry. It's just that I hardly ever ask him for anything. I never even talk to him anymore. I stay out of his way and let him get his work done,” Carl angrily replied. “I know how busy he is, that's why I came up here early so I could grab a few minutes of his precious time.”

Judith walked excitedly up to Carl with a deck of cards. “Carl will you play 'Uno' with me? Mama just taught me how to play.”

“I don't really have time right now Judy,” Carl quickly realized the irony of his present situation. Not wanting to brush off his little sister, the way he had just been brushed off by his dad, he sat down at the small, round table in the corner. “Alright, just one quick game and then I have to talk to Mom by myself. Okay?”

“Okay. One game. And I'm going to win,” Judith said in a cheeky tone.

“You think so, huh?” Carl shuffled the deck and dealt out the cards. They played “Uno” while Michonne sat in the rocking chair breastfeeding Eva as she squirmed in her arms.

“When is she going to quit nursing?” Carl asked, giving Michonne an uncomfortable smile.

“Did you know that most children around the world used to nurse until the age of three?”

“No, I didn't know that,” Carl said as he took turns laying down cards with Judy. “So are you going to seriously nurse her til she's three?”

“Probably. Eva's not even two and breast milk is still really good for her. Besides, there's no other milk to give her. If you come across a cow, I'll consider weaning her,” Michonne smiled.

“I'll be on the lookout,” Carl chuckled. “It's just weird hearing her talk and seeing her run around then nursing like a baby. Same thing with Maggie and Hershel. It's just weird to...”

Michonne tilted her head and gave Carl a look that suggested that he should drop it.

“Okay. Okay. I'll shut up,” Carl said in surrender. “Sorry.”

“You're forgiven,” Michonne said looking back down at Eva and rubbing her feet.

“Uno!” Judith shouted with excitement. Carl placed another card down and Judith put her last card down. “I win! I beat you really fast, Carl,” Judith said proudly. 

“Oh no!” Carl said feigning disappointment. “I can't believe you beat me. Darn!”

“Mama, I beat Carl!”

“Good job Pumpkin. Why don't you go downstairs and ask Carol if she'll get you some breakfast. After that, maybe Clem or someone else will play with you.”

“Okay,” Judy said as she pranced down the stairs, with her hands carefully folded around the cards.

Michonne finished nursing Eva and set her in her crib with a few toys. She turned back around and looked at Carl. “So what did you need to talk about?”

“I wanted to talk to both of you, but I guess that's not going to happen.”

“Do you want to wait til he gets back? We can all talk later.”

“It doesn't even matter. He doesn't care.”

“Carl, why would you say that about your dad?” Michonne questioned. “Don't you dare say he doesn't care about you.”

“My dad thinks that the only things he has to give me is protection, food and shelter. He doesn't ask me how I'm doing. He doesn't talk to me. He doesn't even know what's going on in my life anymore,” Carl argued back. “It's always been like this. Even before, when I had a problem, he always told me to go talk to my mom, just like he did today with you. It worse now. He thinks as long as I'm not sick, dead or shot, he doesn't have to concern himself with me. It pisses me off!”

Michonne compassionately looked Carl in the eyes and sighed. She would have liked to defend Rick to him but she couldn't. She tried anyway. “Your dad is complicated. He's not perfect. He makes mistakes. I think he's so passionate about protecting everyone, that maybe he thinks all they need from him is protection.”

“He's not that way with you. He talks to you.”

“We have our days where he doesn't want to let me in as much. And a relationship between a husband and wife is different.”

“Well even if it's not all the time, I'm happy he lets you into his life at all. It's better than nothing” Carl said painfully.

Michonne quickly pulled him into a boisterous hug, “Forget about your dad for now. I'm here. Whatever you need to talk about, I'll listen.” She pulled away from him and held onto his arms. “Now tell me what's going on.”

Carl walked away from her with his head hanging down and sat back at the table. “Now don't freak out but Holly...”

“What about Holly? Is she okay?”

Carl stalled and fidgeted before finally blurting it out, “She's pregnant.”

Michonne said nothing. She usually took things in stride and responded with a level head. She looked at Carl but remained silent, thinking the situation through.

“Well aren't you going to say something? Ask me how I could let this happen? Lecture me? Tell me I'm too young?”

“Now does that really sound like me?” Michonne sat down opposite him at the table. “Carl, you're a man. You're 18. I'm not going to treat you like a kid because you're not a kid anymore. You haven't been in a long time.”

“Is that all you're going to say? That I'm not a kid anymore?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me what to do.”

“What do you think you should do?”

“Why do you think I came up here? If I knew what to do, I wouldn't be asking you.”

“This is what I mean. You're not a kid and I'm not just going to tell you what to do. You're a better man than that. Tell me what you think you should do and then I'll give you my opinion.”

Carl sighed, “Well we have to keep it. That's my first thought. It seems so wrong to get rid of a baby, especially when theirs so much death around us. Even if that's what Holly wants, I don't think I can help her do that. I mean, it's not just her baby. It's my baby too.”

“Is that what Holly wants?”

“She doesn't know what she wants. She's upset though. And she's really scared...big surprise. She was even too scared to come up here with me and talk to you guys.”

“Go easy on her. She's 16 and it's hard being pregnant. It was scary being pregnant, even for me. It was scary before and it's scarier now.”

“Yeah, I get it. Everything is scary. But I'm so sick of always having to deal with all the things that scare her. I'm tired of living my life through her fears. It's not fair.”

“Welcome to marriage. This is what you signed up for when you committed yourself to Holly. Whoever wrote 'For better or for worse,' knew what they were talking about because you see the worst of another person in marriage and you decide to love them anyway, whether you want to or not.”

“You know, when she first told me last night, I was so happy. I was on cloud nine at the thought of having a baby and being a father. I kissed her and told her how excited I was,” Carl said smiling. His smile faded, “Then, I looked at her face and I could see how miserable she was. I couldn't believe it. We're bringing something beautiful into this shitty world and she's crying about it.”

“People aren't made the same. When I told your dad that we were going to have Eva, he wasn't happy at all. He was scared too. Having a baby is a big deal. You know that. But your dad came around and maybe Holly will come around too. She's in shock because her world's been turned upside down but give her some time.”

“What if I give her time and then she decides she doesn't want to go through with it? I don't know if I can handle that.”

“You can handle it. You don't have a choice other than to handle whatever comes your way.” Michonne saw the desperation and anguish on Carl's face. He needed more than the vague answer she had just given him. “Alright, I want you to tell me what you think you should do if that happens.”

Carl looked out of one of the windows thoughtfully, “I'll tell her that I want this baby...even if she doesn't. I want this baby more than anything I've ever wanted before. I'll tell her that we can get through this and that I'll be by her side through all of it. I'll tell her she's strong. I'll tell her I love her and that she doesn't have to be scared. I'll tell her that even if she is scared, it's still going to be okay.”

“That's really good Carl. Any girl in her situation would want to hear all those things you just said. You tell her what you just told me and then no matter what happens, you'll know you were there for her. And you know that we're here for you. Me and your dad,” Michonne put her hand over Carl's hand. “No matter what, I'm proud of you. I'll always be proud.”

…..

Rick breathlessly rolled his body off of Michonne's. He closed his eyes with exhaustion as he threw his head onto his pillow. “You are something else baby!” he said as he rested his hand on her toned abs, still panting. He finally looked over at her and stared deeply into her luminous eyes. “And sometimes...sometimes I look at you, and I'd swear you're even more beautiful than you were the last time I saw you.” 

Michonne leaned over him and parted his lips with hers, kissing him lovingly. “You say the sweetest things.”

“It's not flattery you know. Every good thing I say about you, it's the truth.” Rick brushed her hair behind her ear. “I love you, Michonne.”

“I love you too,” she said resting her head on his bare chest and draping her arm and leg over his body. “I'm glad we got to spend some time together tonight. I've missed you.”

“It's been crazy out there. We're going out further every time. We've cleaned out almost every house in the neighborhood and our supplies are diminishing each day.”

“We'll figure something out. It's been a while since we've seen deer and we're bound to spot some soon.”

“Actually water's the biggest obstacle right now. We went back to the farm today and that last herd that passed is still wandering around there, right where the well is. We thought they'd eventually move on, but they're stuck behind a fence. We had to drive four miles to another farm and we're already running low on gas too.”

“Are you serious? What are we planning on...” 

“I don't want to talk about it anymore tonight. I'm sorry I even brought it up. I just want to turn my brain off and lay here naked with you,” he chuckled.

“Well that would be nice but I need to talk to you.”

“Does this have to do with Carl?”

“Yeah.”

“Can it wait til tomorrow? I need to get some sleep.”

“Sure, I guess,” Michonne said before Rick kissed her goodnight.

Michonne only closed her eyes for a few seconds before she rubbed her hand on his chest and spoke again, “You know what Rick, it can't wait til tomorrow. We should talk now.”

“Okay, what?” Rick replied, trying to hide his irritation, “What's going on with Carl?”

“Holly's pregnant,” Michonne said in a matter of fact tone. “That's what Carl wanted to tell you this morning. Holly's pregnant and they don't know what to do.”

Rick put his hand over his eyes and sighed in frustration. “What did you tell him to do?”

“I told him that he's a man and that he's old enough to figure this out. I asked him how he feels and then told him to talk to Holly about those feelings. I told him we'd be here for him.”

“Well that all sounds like good advice.”

Michonne didn't respond. She considered just bringing up the pregnancy and leaving it at that. But it wasn't in her to hold things back that were eating at her. “Rick, Carl needs you. It's not just this particular situation with Holly either. Carl needs you in his life.”

“What does that mean?” 

“It means that weren't there for him. Not today. You let him down.”

“Did he say that to you?” Rick asked sitting up.

Michonne nodded.

“You think I should have put off a water run so I could talk with him.”

“No I'm not saying that. But he said he feels like you're never there for him.”

“You've got to be kidding right now!” Rick shouted. “I'm there for him every day! I'm there for everyone, every damn day. How could he say that?”

“Keep your voice down and don't wake up the girls,” Michonne said sternly.

“I go out there every day so he can have a life. So we all can!”

Michonne shook her head in exasperation. “Rick, it's not just about out there. There's things going on in here too. Things you can't ignore anymore.”

“So now I'm ignoring things?” Rick was growing angrier by the second. “There's food in our cupboards because of me! We have water today because I put my life on the line to bring it back! How dare you and Carl criticize me for not being there!”

Michonne looked at him calmly, “Are you really this upset because your son wants to spend more time with you? Because he says he needs you? Look Rick, very single person under this roof knows what you do. Everyone appreciates it. But I know you and I see what's going on with you...even if you don't see it yourself.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot, you know everything. Please enlighten me on what's going on with me.”

“You do what needs to be done out there. You work hard at it. You do it without complaining and you do a damn good job. You provide for us and we wouldn't be here without you,” Michonne said as she reached for his hand. “The truth is, and I don't think I even realized it until Carl said something today, but the truth is...I think it's in your head that if you take care of all the kids' physical needs, that's all you have to do for them. You use it as an excuse to keep your distance from them.”

Rick pulled his hand out of Michonne's and threw the blankets off. He got out of their bed and walked away, keeping his back to her. “You think I want to distance myself from the kids?”

“I don't think you want to, but you do.” Michonne said. “Rick, do you remember reading to Judith every morning before you'd leave for work? Do you remember kissing me and the girls every time you'd go out those doors. You're different now. You haven't held Eva in a few days. Carl says you don't even talk to him. If that's not distance, what is it?”

“Why would I want to distance myself from the kids?”

“I don't know. Maybe because you're afraid that they don't actually want you in their lives so you're rejecting them first. Maybe to make it easier for you to go out there and risk your life.”

“So you've been visiting the psychology section of the library and you got me all figured out now.”

“Look, I'm not going to play this game with you. I'm telling you the truth right now and you don't want to hear it. Bottom line is, you're pushing the kids away and they deserve better from you.”

“I don't think you've ever said anything more hurtful than what you just said now.” 

Michonne could hear the pain in his voice and it devastated her to know the words she had spoken were the ones that caused that pain. The love and devotion she felt towards Rick couldn't compare to anyone she loved from her past. But the love she felt for Carl and her daughters was no less substantial. She would always defend Rick to their children but in turn, she would always defend her children to Rick. She was in a position where she was being forced to take sides and she hated it. She hated it because she was on both of their sides, trying to view each side with wisdom and impartiality.

“Rick, you know me. I'm not the woman that's going to sugar-coats things and stroke your ego. I call it like I see it and I would think a man of your integrity wouldn't have it any other way. I'd want the same from you.”

Rick stooped over, grabbed a pair of sweatpants off the rocking chair and pulled them on.“Problem with that is that you're perfect, aren't you?” He said coldly. 

“Stop.”

“Stop what? I thought you want me to be honest with you. Not sugar-coat things, right?”

“You're gonna say something you're gonna regret. Just stop before you go too far.”

“But you just said you'd want the same from me. You wanna call me out on all my short-comings? It's only fair for me to call you on yours.” Rick paced back and forth with his icy, blue eyes glued to Michonne. 

Michonne propped herself up in the bed and looked up at Rick. “Okay. Go ahead. Lay it on me. Tell me what's wrong with me,” she said egging him on.

“You. You think you've got it all together. You think you're infallible. You've got an answer for everything, don't you? You have to put me in my place and make sure I know everything I'm doing wrong. Forget that I'm risking my life for you every day I step out those doors! I'm a bad father so leave it to Michonne to swoop in and save the day and fix me. Fix the whole family. And you're just the perfect mother, aren't you? You have the perfect solution for every problem...the perfect quip to everything I say. I don't even know why I'm bothering to say all this. I'm obviously the one with the problem here because you can't make mistakes.”

“You think that I'm under the delusion that I'm perfect? Really?” Michonne said becoming indignant. “Okay. Well please tell me what me, apparently being so self-righteous, has to do with the kids.”

“It doesn't have to do with the kids! It has to do with us!” he shouted at her. “It has to do with the way you're looking at me right now...like I'm not doing enough when I feel like I'm doing everything I can. You look down on me.”

Michonne crossed her arms and looked him squarely in the eyes. “That's the biggest load of crap I've heard outta your mouth since I've met you. Are you done?”

“Yeah I am.” Rick grabbed a blanket hanging on the footboard and stomped down the stairs. He was madder than he'd been in a very long time. He'd be sleeping on the couch tonight.


	3. Time To Get the House In Order

April 9, 2015: Time To Get the House In Order

Rick sullenly shuffled through the kitchen getting Judy her breakfast. He handed her a plate of toast and sliced peaches as she looked up into his blank face. “Thank you Daddy,” she said politely as she took her first bite of toast and walked to the table.

“You're welcome,” Rick answered her with a vacant tone. Rick looked at Judith's dark hair and round face. He saw Lori and Shane. His precious little girl, would always be a reminder of the ghosts from his past. Even now, Shane was still with him. Rick always wondered how that man went from being his best friend for most of his life to the man that wanted to murder him in cold blood and steal his family away from him. How did that happen? How badly had he failed as a husband and father to provoke this action from someone he considered a brother?

“I don't think you can do it, Rick. I don't think you can keep them safe. Even right here, right now, you ain't gonna fight for them?” his long-dead friend's voice echoed in his head. “I'm a better father than you, Rick. I'm better for Lori than you, man. It's 'cause I'm a better man than you, Rick. Cause I can be here and I'll fight for it. You come back here and you just destroy everything!” Rick rubbed his temple and tried to shake the voice, but he couldn't today. “You got a broken woman. You got a weak boy. You ain't got the first clue on how to fix it!”

Then he heard her voice too. He couldn't help that the sound of her voice in his head was one that always brought him anguish. Whenever he thought of Lori, he didn't think about his first kiss with her or about how happy they were in the beginning. He didn't think about the road trips they had taken or how excited they were to be having a baby. No, whenever Rick remembered Lori, he only remembered his failures. He failed as a husband and worse than that, he failed to keep her alive. Carl and Judith would never have her in their lives and he blamed only himself for that. Forget that the world died and they were running for their lives...forget that someone else was trying to sabotage their safety that day and that she went into labor in the wrong place and at the wrong time. None of that mattered. Rick took all the blame upon himself. “We need to talk about things. Things we've been avoiding,” the voice of her ghost said to him. “I appreciate everything you're doing, we all do...but it's time to get the house in order.”

Michonne had never once reminded him of Lori. How could she? It was laughable how little his first wife and second wife had in common. But last night, as Michonne told him where he was falling short, he was right where he was with Lori and the feelings of failure and distance came brimming right back up in him.

Part of Rick thought he was just being dramatic about the whole thing. Michonne loved him and was just trying to point something out that he needed to hear. Did Rick think he was perfect? Was he being so arrogant that he thought he was above criticism from his own wife? Did he really think Michonne hadn't earned that place in his life?

Rick's head hung low on his chest. He had to talk to her. It had been less than eight hours since he stormed out on her but it felt like much longer. Life now was too short to let things like this cause you to withhold love from those who you wanted to give it to most. 

“Judy I need to go talk to Mama. After you finish your breakfast, I want you to go see Eugene for school, okay?”

“Okay,” she said wiping jelly off of her chin with the back of her sleeve. “Eugene said I need to learn to count higher than ten but I don't even know what comes after ten.”

“Eleven comes after ten.”

“Is eleven the last number?”

“No, there's lots and lots more numbers after eleven. That's why you have to go to school so you can learn them.”

“Do you know all the numbers, Daddy?”

“I know a lot of them but even Daddy is still learning.”

“Well maybe you could come to school with me.”

“You think so, huh? Do you think I would fit into one of those little desks that you sit at?”

“No, you can't fit in those!” she giggled as she stuffed more toast in her mouth.

Rick stood above her. He licked his thumb and wiped more jelly off her round little chin. The same chin he looked at every time he saw his partner next to him in their squad car. He gently pushed her hair out of her face, staring into her eyes. The same eyes her mother had.

The reality was, Rick was raising an orphaned child. He had always suspected Judy was Shane's blood. As the years passed by, when he would look into Judy's face, he had all the confirmation he needed of that painful truth. Despite the facts, Lori told Rick what he needed to hear long ago, “Shane thinks the baby's his...but no matter what Rick, it's yours.” 

Rick leaned over and kissed Judith on the top of her head, “I love you Pumpkin.”

Judy looked back up at him and without hesitation, told Rick the only thing that mattered when it came to his little girl,“I love you too, Daddy. “

…..

Michonne was pacing back and forth on the roof, on duty. Keeping watch with all the dead outside was relatively easy. As dangerous as the walkers were, they offered protection from other intruders. No one in their right mind would cross through the herds to get into the library. Besides that, it had been nearly a year since they had even laid eyes on another living human that wasn't part of their group. Still, 24 hours a day, someone was always awake and vigilantly guarding the others with watchful eyes. 

She felt his presence before she could see him. With Rick and Michonne there was always a discernible sixth sense that was present between them. The idea of being soul mates seemed like such a silly cliché to the both of them, but that was before they fell in love. Now, the term had a meaning that was anything but silly. It was concrete. They needed each other. They understood each other. They ached for each other. They felt each other, in the deepest parts of their souls. Perhaps it's why the fight they had the night before felt uglier than any fight that either of them could remember. 

Rick and Michonne didn't fight. They'd had their share of disagreements in the past. There were many times they didn't see eye to eye on a situation. But last night was different. Rick had always been honest with her and she was sure he'd never held anything back that needed to be said. Did he really think that she thought she was perfect this whole time? Had she allowed herself to be put on a pedestal by him, or worse, had she put herself there? Was any of this her fault?

She had always looked at him with admiration. He was her capable comrade in battle but also her husband, confidant and beloved best friend. But at some point in their relationship he had began to think that instead of looking up to him as her champion, she was looking down on him like he had failed her. 

As she heard his footsteps approaching, she prepared herself for round two of the brawl. She strapped on her emotional armor, pursing her lips and narrowing her eyes. She knew she was right about what she had said about Carl and the girls. As much as she didn't want to, she was ready to go head to head with him to defend them. But as soon as Michonne felt the warmth of his hand on her bare shoulder, all the built-up anger and resentment she was feeling, dissipated. Her face softened and she turned around.

“Can I talk to you?” Rick said gently.

“Yeah.”

He scratched above his eyebrow, not knowing exactly where to start. When Rick addressed the group, the words flowed out of his mouth effortlessly and even eloquently. His charisma drew everyone in and he felt at ease speaking to them. But more often than not, these intimate conversations were never one of Rick's strengths, even with her.

“I'm sorry,” he began. “I'm sorry for what I said to you last night. I didn't say those things to you out of honesty; I said them out of anger.”

“Are you sure about that? You said those things for a reason. You said them because somewhere along the way, I started making you feel inadequate, and that could not be further from the truth.”

“I know why I said them,” he stepped back from her. “I was out of line. I was angry and defensive because I knew what you were telling me about the kids was true. And it was easier to get angry and lash out at you than to face the truth. No matter what the reason, I shouldn't have spoken to you the way I did and I'm sorry.”

“No you shouldn't have but I'm glad you see the truth. The kids, they want you in their lives. The girls look at you like you're their hero. They light up every time you walk into the room. And Carl, Carl needs you. I know he has me, and we have this incredible relationship but just because he has that with me doesn't mean he still doesn't need it from you. And more than the fact that he needs you in his life...he wants you there. That's a good place for you to be, Rick.”

“I know that, I just didn't like hearing it.”

“There's something else,” Michonne said avoiding his eyes, something she rarely did. “You said that I think I know everything and that I think I'm perfect. You said I think I have all the answers and that I want to put you in your place. Is that really what you think about me? Is that how you've always felt? You think I act like I'm better than you?”

Michonne looked back over at him just in time to see Rick chuckle.

“What's so funny?” she asked irritated by his laughter.

Rick smiled at her, but in all seriousness spoke. “I didn't say that because you act like your better than me, Michonne. I said it because you really are better than me.”

“Rick that's not true. How could you say...”

“Let me finish,” he said talking quietly and slowly. “I know you're not perfect. I know that you don't think you're perfect. But you have qualities I'm not sure I'll ever possess. You always know the right thing to do. I don't know how you know, but you do. Not only that, you do the right thing, no matter the cost. You have this unshakable faith that is nothing compared to what I have. And the way you love me and the kids, it really is perfect. You're an overachiever, Michonne. You're the MVP on this team, the Valedictorian in the class.”

“If you think that I'm one step ahead of you all the time, than that's putting us in a competition and we're not competing, Rick. We're doing this together, each with our own strengths.”

“It's just so different than it was before.”

“What do you mean?”

“With Lori, I was just...I was always just was getting by. Just doing enough to keep her from walking out the door. I thought the status quo was good enough in my marriage and family. I was a good provider and protector and I thought that was all they really needed. She was a good woman and deserved more than I gave her. I guess nothing has really changed in a way. But I never...I never wanted more than to just get by with her. Then when she started making me feel like I wasn't enough, I started caring even less. The last half of our marriage, I was just punching the clock and doing my job.”

“And now?”

“With you, it's different. It's always been different. You've always made me feel like I'm enough.”

“Well then what happened last night? What was that?”

“For way too long, I listened to others tell me how inadequate I was. I let them make me doubt whether or not I was doing my best. I've always done my best. I don't know if my best was always what was right but I tried. I tried so hard and still failed. Last night, I felt like I failed again. Like I was letting things fall apart. I think it scared me more than what's happening outside these walls. And the fact that it was you telling me all this, that scared me even more. It's not that I don't want to let you down, Michonne. It's that I can't let you down. I love you too much to let that happen.”

Michonne reached down and held his hand.

“Something I realized since you've been in my life is that...” Rick said looking up at her face, mesmerized by the tenderness in her eyes, “...that you make me want to be a better man. And I guess when I miss the mark, I beat myself up, or pretend that you're beating me up.”

Michonne wrapped her arms around him and pulled him as close to her body as she could, resting her head on his chest.“You already are a better man, Rick. I've never once questioned your goodness...as a father, as a husband. You think I'm setting these perfect expectations for you but I'm not. You're everything I want.”

“But I'm not everything Carl wants in a father. I'm not the father I'm supposed to be to Judy and Eva. You said that.”

“So fix it with them. You're saying that as if it's too late and it's not.”

Rick closed his eyes and clung to her tightly. He could almost feel her heartbeat on his chest as he held her. He could almost breath in a part of her soul. Many times Rick had thanked God for bringing her into his life...into the lives of their children. As they lingered there in the inseparable embrace, Rick thanked Him again. 

“Okay,” he said resolutely. “I'll fix it. I'll do whatever it takes to make this right with you and the kids.”

…..

Carl alternated back and forth between folding clothes and playing fetch with Winnie. 

“Thanks for helping me with this,” Maggie said. “It was a good idea hangin' the dirty clothes on the clothesline lettin' the rain wash 'em.”

“Well it's better than nothing. I had to think of something. Michonne was going on and on about how bad everyone's clothes smelled,” Carl laughed. “With the water shortage, we have to be innovative.”

“Well none of us thought of it, so good job,” she said bending down to put a made-from-scratch Cheerio, Carol had made, into Hershel's mouth. “You know what Carl?”

“What?'

“I think someday you're going to be a real leader. I mean you already are a leader in a sense but I think there's more in store in the future. I can see big things ahead for you.”

“I don't know about that. I'm not really sure I could lead anyone anywhere. I barely have things figured out in my own life.”

“I'm not saying tomorrow. I'm saying one day. Glenn used to deliver pizza and now look at him. He's an important part of this group. He gets things done. He's strong and smart. He's leading our family. I bet he didn't think he would be in the position he's in now when he was bringing people their bread sticks and pizza.”

“I guess maybe someday but I don't know. When I look at my future, I don't really see a clear direction. I can't picture any one thing happening. I guess maybe being a father one day. I could see that.”

“Well being a parent is being a leader, maybe in the most important way.”

“That's true,” Carl threw the ball for Winnie again. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Maggie said looking up from her folding.

“Why would you say the word pizza to me when I'm already hungry? That's just mean.” 

Maggie laughed,“Sorry, I really should have known better than to bring up food to you of all people.”

“Hey Carl,” Rick called out as he approached him. “I could use your help with something.”

“Sure,” Carl sighed and rolled his eyes, “Seeya later, Maggie.”

“Seeya.”

Carl followed his dad into the basement of the library. A small amount of light came through the windows near the ceiling but it was still too dark and musty for any comfortable length of time to be spent down there. It had been almost three years since they had made the Waycross Public Library their home and Carl could count on one hand how many times he'd been down in that basement. “What are we doing down here?” Carl asked.

“I just wanted to get an idea of what our food situation looks like. Carol keeps good track and tells me but I wanted to see for myself.”

“Okay,” Carl said suspiciously. “And you need my help how exactly?”

Rick shifted uncomfortably. “I don't actually need your help with this. I wanted to talk with you and I wanted to do this too. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone.”

“I see.”

“You wanted to talk with me yesterday and I couldn't. Why don't we talk about what's on your mind now.”

“You couldn't talk with me yesterday, or you wouldn't?”

Rick felt the antagonism in Carl's tone. He wanted to reciprocate angrily but decided that would be counteractive to what he was trying to do with his son. 

“I'm sorry,” Rick answered calmly. “Whether I couldn't listen to you or wouldn't listen is beside the point. The fact is, I didn't listen to you.”

“Is it really beside the point?”

Rick said nothing, recognizing the validity of Carl's question.

“You told me to talk to Mom so I did. I don't need to talk to you anymore.”

“She told me what you said. She told me that I haven't been there for you.”

“It doesn't even matter, Dad,” he said coldly. “I'm used to you not being there.”

Carl's words stabbed into Rick like a knife. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to recover from the blow his son just threw at him. Rick let out a deep breath. “I know you're used to it. I know I've put you on the back burner. I feel bad about that but what can I do other than apologize and try to make it right?”

Rick watched Carl stand stubbornly in front of him, not giving him an answer to his question. Michonne said it wasn't too late to fix things with Carl but what if it was? Maybe yesterday was the final straw.

“Can you answer me, please? Tell me what you want from me.” 

“So now when it works for you, we can talk? I see,” he said callously. “Look, I said it doesn't matter. I've figured things out without your help.” 

“And what did you figure out?” Rick asked, trying his best to keep the conversation going.

“Holly's pregnant. She doesn't want to be pregnant but I talked to her. I convinced her that we can have this baby and that she'll be okay. So I'm going to be a father, okay? I'm going to be a father and you're going to be a grandfather. That's what I wanted to tell you yesterday but I guess that wasn't important enough for you to give me a few minutes of your time,” Carl said angrily. “Like I said, I figured it out without you and I'll just plan on doing that from now on.” Carl turned away from his dad and began to walk away.

“Carl, get back here,” Rick said calmly. Carl ignored him and started up the stairs.

“I said, get back here!” Rick yelled desperately. It was no use. He watched his son turn the corner and heard his footsteps go up the stairs. For once Michonne was wrong. It was too late.

A/N: Shane and Lori's quotes were taken directly out of the Triggerfinger, 18 Miles Out, Better Angels and Seed episodes, of The Walking Dead. They were written by:  
Scott Gimple, Glenn Mazzara, Evan T. Reilly and David Leslie Johnson  
Thanks again for reading and giving me all this feedback. Love to you all and God bless!


	4. Moving On

June 6, 2015: Moving On

The breakfast dishes were cleared and the group sat back down around the table. Clem and Holly took the youngest three children upstairs to the loft to read them stories and play. The rest of the group stayed for their weekly meeting. The meeting proceeded routinely. 

“Is there any new business?” Carol asked.

Glenn apprehensively raised his hand. “Yeah, I have something I want to discuss that's been on mine and Maggie's minds for a while.” He looked around the table before speaking up. “I think it's time we left Waycross,” Glenn announced. 

No one said anything. Glances were exchanged but no one spoke up.

“Well,” Glenn asked, trying to gauge where everyone's heads were at,“what do you all think about that?” 

“And go where exactly?” Michonne asked.

“Yeah, we haven't been more than 10 miles from this library in almost three years...not since we lost Daryl,” Lee said, not meaning to turn his glance towards Carol. She looked at him before he promptly turned his attention back to the others. “We don't know what the rest of the world looks like. I'm not sure I'm ready to take Clementine out of the safety of this building.” 

“Well,” Maggie started, “Glenn and I have been looking at maps and we have some thoughts about some promising locations we should talk about.”

“Maybe moving on is a good idea,” Morgan spoke up. “The water runs are getting more dangerous every time we go out. Glenn almost died last time we went out. On top of that, were getting less water each time.”

“The farm we used to go to for water has been completely overrun. We can't even go there anymore.” Abraham said.

“And the herds that have come through aren't just passing by the way they used to,” Sasha added. “They move in one direction and then just seem to circle back here. There's thousands of them out there, all through town.”

“What about getting water from the creek?” Morgan asked.

“Yeah, the creek,” Liv said optimistically. “Why haven't we been getting our water from the creek. With the solar panels we can boil it a lot more easily.”

“The creek water's no good,” Glenn replied. “A month ago when I went out with Lee and Abraham we were about a mile upstream from where we are now. At the damn up there, dozens of the dead got stuck in the creek. I mean I know we'd boil it but no amount of boiling is going to make anyone want to drink water that walkers have been swimming in for a months. And even though the creek's a lot closer, we'd still have to go outside and deal with walkers.”

“And it's been a dry spring. We've hardly collected any rain in the cisterns,” Carol said. 

“There's nowhere else to look for food either. There's a few blocks of houses we haven't hit on the east side of town but that's about it,” Abraham added.

“Well maybe we should try and figure out a way to round up the herds. You know, lead them out of town. Then at least we could walk around more freely to get water and start hunting again,” Morgan stated.

“And how exactly do we do that?” Michonne asked. “And where do we lead them? It's not like they're in one area and we can just get ahead of them and lead them in one direction. They've spread out everywhere, all throughout the town.”

“This town has become stagnant at best. There's nothing here for us anymore,” Glenn stated.

“Well not nothing. This building is here. This building has been a fortress from the outside. We're safe in here,” Carol replied adamantly. 

“Yeah but for how long?” Glenn asked, asserting himself, “Look, I've thought about this from lots of different angles and in every scenario, we're in danger staying here. That's why I think our best bet is to just cut our losses, pull up stakes and move on. Waycross has been good to us. The library has been good to us. But it's time we moved on.”

Rick had silently listened to the back and forth between everyone before finally speaking up. “I appreciate that you've looked at this from lots of vantages, Glenn, but we all need to take some time before we decide on anything. We'll table this discussion for now. I want everyone to keep talking to each other about this – keep brainstorming. Over the next few days, I'd like to talk to you all individually too. I want every single idea on the table for thorough discussion before we make any kind of final decision. Our safety and our lives are worth us giving this all the proper attention it needs. Let's all meet back in three days to talk about this together again. Sound good?”

Everyone agreed to this course of action before they began to walk away. 

Maggie pulled Glenn behind a bookshelf and spoke to him in an unassuming voice, “I understand what Rick is saying and he's right, we should give this more thought. But I still think it's the right move for us to leave and I'm not going to change my mind about that. I've felt safe here for a long time but I don't feel safe anymore.”

“I know. Things have changed. We just have to convince the others that it's the right time.”

“Until we get this figured out, I don't want you going out anymore. There's too many of them out there. You're completely outnumbered. Every time you leave, I'm terrified. We have a child to think of now and it's different. The stakes are higher. I'm so scared every time I say goodbye that it's going to be the last time we see you.”

“I'll be okay, Maggie. I can't just stop going on runs because it's dangerous.”

Maggie was visibly upset as she looked into Glenn's face. “Morgan said you almost got yourself killed last time you went out there. Is that true?”

“Morgan was exaggerating. It was nothing.”

“Don't you lie to me,” Maggie snapped. “Morgan wouldn't have said that if it wasn't true.”

Glenn said nothing, knowing he'd been found out. He met Maggie's eyes with concern but remained silent.

“What happened? And why the hell didn't you tell me?” she said her voice quivering.

“Why do you think I didn't tell you? I didn't tell you because I knew it would upset you and I was fine. I came back to you safe and sound.”

“Tell me what happened!” 

“The truck was surrounded. I was sitting on the wheel well in the bed of the truck and a couple walkers pulled me over the side. I got bit on my arm but its teeth didn't go through my jacket. Morgan jumped down and we fought them off.”

Maggie stared at Glenn, stunned by what he had just divulged. Tears fell from her eyes.“I could have lost you. Me and Hershel could have lost you and then what would we have done?”

“You didn't lose me. It was a close call but I'm fine.” Glenn reached his hand around her neck and brought her face towards his. He kissed her on the lips then rested his forehead on hers. “I'll be okay. I can't stop doing what I'm supposed to do just because it's dangerous. That's not in me anymore.”

“I know,” Maggie nodded. “You're brave and it's not in you to run away from danger, but it's not safe out there anymore.”

“It never was.”

Glenn wrapped his arms around her. “I'll do everything I can to keep you and Hershel safe, and I'll do everything to keep myself safe too. But I can't have you being terrified every time I walk out those doors.”

“We have to leave, Glenn. It doesn't feel right here anymore. If we stay, it won't end well – I know it.”

“We'll leave. We'll convince the others that it's the right thing to do and we'll all leave.”

“What if we're the only ones that think we should go? What if we're ready to move on but no one else is?”

“I don't know. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.”

“Even if we're on our own, we have to go. I feel it in my gut.”

“This is our family. We have to stay with them - stay together.”

“Well,” Maggie stared at her husband with conviction, “then we'll just have to convince them.”

…..

Rick finished his rooftop watch and walked downstairs to Carl and Holly's bedroom. Rick stood outside the door, quietly observing his son and youngest daughter together. Carl's back was to his father as he sat on the floor stacking blocks and talking to Eva. 

Rick stared at his youngest child. Eva Josephine Grimes had just turned two years old a month ago. She was a spirited girl, vocal, energetic and anxious to explore her world. She loved everyone around her, both her immediate and extended family. Although everyone doted on her, she still had her favorites. Other than her parents and siblings, she was especially partial to Carol, Morgan and Clementine. Carol and Morgan had somehow become the unofficial grandparents to Eva, Judith and Hershel and all parties involved were thrilled with the arrangement. Carol joked that all the babies were spoiled but Morgan thought that was nonsense and spoiled them even more.

Eva's lively and boisterous personality was matched only by her striking beauty. Her bright, blue eyes set against her creamy, brown skin was stunning. And even at her young age she had a full head of bouncing curls.

“How high can you stack them, Eva?” Carl asked as he handed her a red block. She placed it on top of the others before they all fell down. “Uh-oh! They fell down!” Carl said.

“Uh-oh,” Eva said mimicking him.

“Do you want to stack them up again?” Carl asked. But Eva finally noticed Rick, stood up from her spot on the floor and ran towards him.

“Daddy!” she squealed as she grabbed onto his legs.

“Hey Cupcake!” Rick smiled as he scooped her up into his arms and kissed her loudly on the neck. “You playing with Carl?”

“Blocks!” she said pointing to the area of where her brother and her were playing. “Blocks wif Carl!”

Carl stood up and started to leave the room.

“You know, you've always been so good with your little sisters. You're going to be a great dad, Carl,” Rick said, looking at him. “Thanks for watching her.”

“Sure,” he replied. “Mom asked me to since Liv wasn't feeling well.”

“Yeah, she told me Eva was with you. I just checked on Liv - brought her some peppermint oil and aspirin for her migraine. She's feeling better but I told her to get some more rest til dinner.”

“Okay,” Carl said, trying to leave again.

“Carl wait,” Rick called out.

“Yeah?”

“I wanted to ask you what you think about Glenn's proposition.”

“I'll just go along with whatever everyone else decides.”

“That's not really what I asked you. I asked what do you think about it.”

“I don't know. Ask Michonne or Morgan and Carol or Abraham what they think about it. I know that's who you talk to about these things.”

“I've already talked to almost everyone over the last few days. You didn't say anything at the meeting. I want to know what you think.”

“You don't really care what I think,” Carl said nonchalantly. “I'm sure you want me to think you do, but really you're just trying to talk to me so we can 'fix' things between us. Well I'm good.”

“First of all, I do want to know what you think. You're just as much a part of this group as everyone else and your opinion matters just as much. And second, what would be so bad about me trying to talk to you so we can fix things?”

“Because it's not really going to change anything, Dad. I've moved on from this. You have people you talk to that you're close with. Well so do I.”

“You're still my son. Unless you plan on moving out on your own, we have to make this work.”

“I'm fine with the way things are between us.”

“Well I'm not fine with it,” Rick said in exasperation. “You haven't said more than ten words to me in the last two months. You're an adult now Carl, and this is not how an adult deals with their problems. They move on and compromise...they figure things out.”

“What's to figure out, Dad? I told you I would work things out on my own. I've done that. It doesn't need to involve you.”

Rick sighed in frustration, “Carl, I've given you time. I've tried to give you some space too but I'm not going to put up with you treating me like shit for even one more day.”

“I'm not treating you like shit. I just don't want to work on a relationship with you anymore.”

“What's going on with you? Why are you acting like this?”

Carl stood with his arms crossed and glaring at his father, “Fine, let's talk. You want to know why I'm acting like this? Maybe it's because I'm tired of being someone you just need to take care of...someone you need to fix. I'm not a car, Dad. I don't need to be fixed. You've treated me like I'm a nuisance. Like me and my problems are interrupting your job of being the perfect leader. I told you that day that I needed you and you left. I told you a long time ago at the prison that you should stop being the one to lead everyone. I knew it was going to cost you things you wouldn't want to give up.”

Rick shuffled Eva from one arm to his other.“You know what, Carl? Being the ones who get to live in this world, the way it is now, it costs everyone something. And let me tell you, I haven't been leading by choice. It's been by default. I mean do you think I'm doing it for all the prestige and glory? Or for the hefty paycheck?” Rick laughed ironically. “Do you think I didn't know it was going to cost me something? It's cost me more than I ever thought it would. Your mother...it cost me my sanity...my hand!! And now...now it's costing me you.” Rick looked down at the floor with defeat. “Do you think I wanted any of that? I lead this group because it's what's required of me. I've lead because I wasn't going to put anyone else in the position of leading my family.”

Carl finally looked at his dad with a hint of sympathy. “Why haven't you told me any of this before? If you would have just talked to me, let me see things from your perspective, then maybe I would have understood where you're coming from a little better. But you haven't. You've pushed me away.”

“I don't think it's any secret that these deep heart to heart conversations aren't really my strength. To be honest, I never even knew it was something you needed from me. I thought Mom had that department covered. It was stupid of me to assume that.”

“That day I came to talk to you about Holly, I needed your help. I needed you, Dad. When you walked away, I decided to give it up.”

“Give what up?”

“Give up this idea that you cared about me. I'm not talking about protection and provision – you've always done anything to make sure that happened. I'm talking about just listening to me,” Carl looked down, grinding the toe of his boot into the floor, “I'm talking about just telling me that you love me.”

Rick was stunned by his son's vulnerable confession. How could a father have neglected such an important element of parenting? Carl was making it very clear that he needed more from his father and Carl deserved more. “I know I've made mistakes with you. I know I haven't been a great father to you in a lot of ways. But I'm trying to make things right now and I'm prepared to do whatever work it'll take to fix things between us,” Rick said compassionately. 

“What does that even mean? You want to fix things with me? How?”

“Give me another chance. Let's keep talking. Let me spend some time with you,” Rick said. He glanced around Carl's room when his eyes settled on his son's chess board on a small table in the corner. “Remember you taught Noah how to play chess a few years ago?”

“Yeah,” Carl smiled at the memory of his friend. “I taught him how to play and then he got way better than me.”

“Well,” Rick paused, swallowing his pride once again, “maybe you can teach me.”

“You don't know how to play chess?”

Rick shook his head. “Nope. There's a lot of things I'm still learning.” Rick pushed Eva's curls out of her face and looked back at Carl thoughtfully. “I remember when I was about 13, I was visiting my grandpa and grandma. I saw a chess board in my grandpa's study and I asked him if he'd teach me to play. He promised he would teach me on my next visit but he...he had a massive heart attack a few weeks later. He died.” Rick's eyes wandered around the room before fixing on his son again. “He was a good man, my grandpa, and without fail, every time I see a chess board I can't help but think of him.”

Carl remained thoughtful and silent but Rick spoke once again, desperately attempting to repair the crack in their relationship. “Anyhow, I've always wanted to learn to play and now, now we're trapped in this building by hordes of walkers. We can't go on any runs so all I have is time.”

Carl looked at Rick. He didn't want to be angry with him anymore. It was too big a burden to carry and Carl already had a heavy enough load. He did a fine job of pretending he didn't care about his father but in reality, pushing him away had been emotionally exhausting. Despite the flaws his dad possessed, Carl still had a great deal of love and admiration for him. He missed him. He thought of how he would be a dad himself, and sooner than later. He didn't truly think he would perfect fatherhood right away. He would make his share of mistakes also. What would he want from his own son or daughter? He would want a second chance. He would want forgiveness for mistakes and an opportunity to set things right if he fell off course.

Carl looked his dad in the eye and nodded slowly, “Chess...okay. I'll teach you how to play chess. Then maybe, we can figure out how we're going to leave Waycross.”


	5. Happy Endings

Happy Endings

June 10, 2015

Morgan sat on the plush sofa with his legs on the coffee table in front of him reading his book. He was on the last page of Crime and Punishment and was still completely engrossed. Carol dozed next to him with her book across her lap. Her head rested comfortably against his shoulder. Morgan finished reading and closed his book with a sense of satisfaction.

A few years back, they were looking at a poster hanging on a wall in the library: The 100 Most Important Pieces of Literature. “Do you want to try and read them all?” Carol asked.

“I will if you will,” Morgan replied.

They started off with two copies of The Great Gatsby. They both finished within a week. Then they were onto Anna Karenina. Morgan finished first as Carol straggled behind. After that was The Color Purple. When Carol finished that book 10 days after Morgan, she told him she was done.

“I can't read these anymore. All the books on that ridiculous list are depressing.”

Morgan laughed, “Yeah. Yeah they are.”

“I think I'd rather read books that take me somewhere else. Somewhere else good, that is. Somewhere bright and hopeful.”

“Read whatever makes you happy Darlin'. I just like being together. I'll tell you how my depressing books end and you can tell me about all the happy endings.”

And so that's how it came to be that Carol was reading Sense and Sensibility a second time as Morgan read Crime and Punishment

Morgan tossed the finished book onto the coffee table in front of him and gently rubbed Carol's arm.

“Hey, it's time for bed,” he said nudging her again. Carol flinched and awoke quickly. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.” Morgan said.

“It's okay,” she said trying to establish her bearings. She sat straight up, anxiously staring ahead .

Morgan, now very familiar with her quirks and habits, rested one hand on her leg and put the other one around her shoulder. “Hey, were you havin' a bad dream or somethin'? What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said, pretending to smile.

“Nice try but that's not gonna work with me. Tell me.”

“It's nothing you need to worry yourself about. How's that?”

“How about you tell me what's on your mind and I'll decide if I should worry about it or not.”

“I could tell you, Morgan, but it's probably not going to change anything.”

“Just spit it out and tell me what's goin' on in that pretty little head of yours,” Morgan said. “You know I'm gonna get it out of you sooner or later.”

Carol sighed and finally spoke,“I have a bad feeling about leaving. Ever since Glenn brought it up I haven't been able to think of anything else. The thought of leaving this place and going out into the unknown has consumed me.”

“So what, you think we should figure out a way to stay in Waycross?”

“No.”

Carol's answer surprised Morgan. “You have a bad feeling about leaving but you don't think we should stay?” 

“No, I don't think we should stay. I have a bad feeling whether we stay or go.” She looked at Morgan ominously. “The other shoe is going to drop. It's been hanging by a thread above us for years. I'm not being pessimistic, I just know that if we leave or if we stay, something will happen. People will die.”

“What's got you thinking like this?”

“The last time we had it this good...the last time we had a stretch of good fortune, Daryl died. Things can only be good for so long. We've been as secure in this building as in the prison, and you know how that ended. It's safe in here for now but we're also trapped in here. For once, what we really need is on the outside of these walls. We're between a rock and a hard place,” she said pragmatically. “What are you thinking about all this?”

“I'm thinking that I love you. I love you and I'll do anything to protect you.”

“I love you too,” Carol sighed with a calm smile and rested the palm of her hand on Morgan's face. “I knew if I told you what I was thinking, you'd worry.”

“I know you're scared. I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't a little scared myself.”

“It's not that I'm scared, Morgan,” she said. “I'm just not ready for what's to come...for the next chapter. I know...I know that as soon as we leave, it's the beginning of the end for one of us. Who knows, maybe it's the beginning of the end for all of us. There's no way we are going to come out on the other end of this move unscathed,” she said stressfully burying her face in her hands. “I'm not good with change. I've changed a lot since the world fell apart and none of it has been easy.”

Morgan pulled her into his arms.“Maybe the changes haven't been easy but most of them have been good to you in some ways. You're stronger now than before. I know they haven't been easy but those changes have kept you alive. They brought you to me and it's where we are now.”

“It kills me that we had to lose what we had before to have what we have now. In a perfect world you'd still have Jenny and Duane.”

“It's not a perfect world. There's not always a happy ending. I wouldn't have traded Jenny and Duane for anything but life didn't give me that choice, did it?”

“No it didn't,” Carol said without emotion. Morgan studied her eyes and could see her mind wandering somewhere else. “What do I know about a perfect world anyway? I would be with Ed if he were still alive. It took the world falling apart for me to be rid of that tumor. I would have never mustered up the courage to just leave him. And because of that, he was what I deserved. That day he was killed, the world was doing me a favor. But the same world that took Ed, took Sophia too. It probably should have taken me.” Carol spoke with an empty, almost robotic tone. “Do you know how many times I should have died? How many times my life was spared by God or by chance? You saved my life at the last second. If you hadn't woken up that morning and pulled me off that ledge, I'd be long dead.”

“Don't you do this,” Morgan said shaking her free of her thoughts. “I see where you're going. You're over-thinking everything and it's making your mind go to a dark place. Some place it shouldn't go.”

Carol stared ahead, her mind still adrift.

“Look at me,” Morgan said, fervently grabbing her shoulders.

Carol finally looked at him. As fast as her mind deviated into darkness, it came back. “I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm thinking,” she said shaking her head. “Sometimes I forget...forget who I am. Something triggers my brain and I go right back to a place where I'm still that little girl being beat up by my mother or Ed. Where I see Sophia running for her life and I'm just standing there, helplessly watching it happen. That place where I don't want to just die, but where I wish I never existed. I know it's not who I am anymore. But I fall into some rabbit hole and I forget.”

“I'm here to remind you,” he said pulling her close and enveloping her in his arms.

“I know you are, Morgan. I know,” she said feeling the warmth of his body against hers. “I'm a big girl though. I can't let myself think that I need you to rescue me. You're more to me than just a knight in shining armor. I need to remind myself.”

“Sometimes even big girls need to be reminded – need to be rescued.” 

“Yeah...maybe.” Carol stood up tall and reached her hand out to Morgan. “C'mon, let's go to bed.”

…..

June 12, 2015

“It looks like you're about 15 weeks along and your first trimester is officially behind you. Hopefully your morning sickness should diminish and your appetite will start coming back. If you take care of yourself, the baby will start growing bigger and stronger each day,” Bob told Holly as he helped her sit up.

“That's all good news then, right?” Holly asked.

“Yep. It's all good news,” Bob said reassuring her again. “I want you to take it easy though. Get plenty of rest and try to avoid any stress. One thing that has me just a little concerned is your weight.”

“My weight?”

“Yeah. You only weigh 102 pounds. The morning sickness made you lose some weight and I want you to start trying your best to increase your calorie intake. Lots of carbs and protein, fruits and veggies. As much as we have anyway. And don't forget, keep taking your prenatal vitamins and folic acid, every day.”

“Okay,” Holly replied with concern. Carl could feel her grip tighten on his hand a bit. “Should I be worried?”

“Do I look worried?” Bob smiled. “Worry is exactly what I want you to avoid. It's never good for your body and it's definitely not going to do that baby any good. Just eat and you'll be okay.” Bob turned his attention to Carl. “You too, Carl. You're too thin. You need to eat a little more and put some meat on those bones.”

“You sound like Michonne,” Carl scoffed.

“Do I now?” Bob laughed. “Well listen to her too, then. She's a good mama and I need all the help I can get.”

“Is there anything else we need to know?” Carl inquired.

“No, I think that's it for now. In the old world, you'd be coming in once a month. But seein' as you live with your doctor and I don't have too many patients, I want to check in with you once a week. You can get dressed now and go get some lunch – a big lunch. Okay?”

“Okay,” Holly said quietly as she slowly swung her legs over the side of her bed. Bob walked out of their bedroom and closed the door behind him.

“That's all good news, Holly. Bob said you and the baby are doing great.” Carl sat on the bed next to her and put his arm around her shoulder. He pulled her head gently to his chest and kissed the tip of her nose.

“He said I'm too thin and I need to gain weight. What if we run out of food?”

“We have enough for right now. If we need more, I'll figure it out. Just don't worry.”

“I'm trying not to.”

“I know you are.”

“You know what else?” Holly asked, a meager smile growing on her face.

“What?” Carl asked inquisitively.

“I'm getting really excited. I know I didn't want this at first but I changed my mind.”

“Really? What's changed?”

“I don't know exactly. Maybe just thinking about having a little baby in my arms and being a mommy to someone. I've never taken care of anyone – I mean really taken care of someone. It makes me feel like there's a reason for being here and moving forward.”

“I know what you mean. We're not kids anymore but I can't believe we're actually going to be parents. I'm excited too.”

“I'm still scared though.”

“Well don't be,” Carl said impatiently, as he took his arm away from her shoulder. “You heard what Bob said. That's not good for you or for the baby.”

“I know but I can't help it.”

“You can help it.”

Holly hesitated but finally looked at Carl and spoke. “What if the baby dies inside of me?”

Carl stood up from her side. “Then we won't be parents - that's all.”

“Well do you think if it died, I would even know?”

“Yes. I'm sure your body would know what to do if the baby died inside of you?”

“What if having the baby kills me. I'm small. How am I supposed to give birth to a whole other person? Even if it doesn't kill me, it's going to hurt.”

“Yeah, it's going to hurt. Just like it hurt all the billions of other people who have had babies and survived.” Carl turned back towards her and tightened his fists at his side, trying to remain calm.“Why are you doing this to yourself? And why didn't you ask Bob all of these questions?”

“I don't know. I don't want him to think I'm being stupid.”

“Hmm, what does that tell you? Please, let's not do this again,” he begged.

“I 'm sorry, Carl. Please don't be mad at me. I just don't know how not to be scared,” she said as she pulled at her shirt with her tensed-up hands.

“I'm not mad at you. I just can hear you go on and on for the next six months about this. I've already listened to you for the last three months and it's driving me crazy.”

“I know. I'm sorry,” Holly apologized submissively.

“Don't apologize!”

“I'm sorr...I mean, okay,” she said correcting herself. “I'll try. I promise.” Holly looked at Carl despondently, her eyes pleading with him to alleviate some or all of her anxiety.

Carl told her they weren't kids anymore but that wasn't true. Holly was only sixteen and he wasn't that much older. They were two kids playing house and haphazardly figuring it out as they went along. For the nearly three years he knew Holly, he was well aware of her abilities or lack there of. Many times Carl had tried to help her develop her strength, buoy her confidence and push her to fight. It just wasn't in her. It wasn't how she was made. In the same way Carl had to fight, Holly had to retreat. She would never be the woman who would charge to the front lines of battle. She would never be brave and fearless. She would never be like Michonne or any of the other women in his life. She was fragile and fearful. It was why he hadn't even mentioned to his young bride that nearly everyone thought leaving Waycross should be their next move. Holly would panic if she knew and he couldn't do it that to her when she already felt so anxious and overwhelmed just carrying their child.

Carl had learned to accept Holly the way she was – to love her despite her weakness and to fight her battles for her. He did a good job of it. There was a learning curve though.

The day he practically forced her to leave the library and help the group fight the dead was a mistake. He didn't realize that until it was almost too late. It nearly pushed her over the edge and could have gotten her, Michonne, Eva and himself killed. And if anything had happened that day, he wouldn't have blamed Holly, he would have blamed himself. Carl walked a fine line with her, encouraging her to be confident but still generously giving her the love she needed when her confidence waned.

This pregnancy was different though. It was a battle Carl couldn't fight for her and something Holly had to take on herself. It had to be on her – all of it. He couldn't protect her from whatever might happen in this situation. He certainly couldn't be a surrogate for her. This was her lone burden and it frustrated them both. Carl could support her and be there for her to the best of his abilities, but ultimately, she would have to do this on her own.

Carl pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose. He affectionately brushed her blonde hair out of her sweet face then leaned over, kissing her gently on the lips. His mouth lingered on hers and the tension fell from her shoulders. Carl knelt down on the floor in front of her and held her hands in his.

“Whenever you feel yourself getting worried, just stop. Change your thoughts. Tell yourself that you can do this! Tell yourself how strong you are and that you're going to do this no matter how hard it is. Tell yourself what a bad ass you are!”

“We both know none of that's true though,” she said spiritlessly.

“Well then just lie. Lie to yourself and keep saying it until you believe it. Okay?” Carl exclaimed, smiling at her.

“Okay,” she said smiling back at him timidly. “I'm a bad ass. I'm strong and I can do this.”

“Well you already have me convinced,” Carl said kissing her again. “Get dressed and let's go eat lunch.”

“A big lunch!”


	6. Letting Go

June 12, 2015: Letting Go

 

Should I stay or should I go now?  
If I go there will be trouble  
And if I stay it will be double  
So ya gotta let me know  
Should I stay or should I go?

The Clash 

 

The decision was eventually unanimous. Once everyone decided leaving Waycross was the best move, it became questions of where, when and how.

Glenn laid a map on the table and they all gathered around. 

“This is Lake Chatuge. It's just on the other side of Georgia on the northern border...on the very south side of North Carolina. This area is extremely unpopulated.”

“Lake Chatuge, and the islands in the lake, are between two very small towns,” Maggie chimed in. “The biggest town in that area is Hiawassee, Georgia. Now the 2000 census said Hiawassee had a population of just around 900 people. Hayesville, North Carolina is the next biggest town with a population of roughly 300 people. There's a couple other surrounding towns but they're even smaller than Hayesville.”

“So hopefully not too many people, dead or alive, to have to deal with,” Rick said.

“Exactly. That's not even the best part though,” Glenn continued. “The great thing about this area is that these small towns and Lake Chatuge are surrounded on every side by hundreds of square miles of protected National Forest. It's just southwest of the Smoky Mountains...miles and miles of desolate hills and mountains.”

“There's creeks running through the area that empty into the lake. Plenty of fresh water, fish and deer and other animals to hunt. On the lake's shoreline across from the island, there's some flat land that we could farm,” Maggie explained.

“But our homes, we'll build them on Penland Island, right in the middle of the lake. We'll be totally surrounded by water. The average depth of the lake is thirty feet. We can get to the mainland with boats, to farm and to get supplies. But Penland Island itself, it'll be safe and that's where we'll build our homes – that's where we'll live,” Glenn finished speaking. He looked around the table at everyone, waiting for their reaction. “So, what do you guys think?”

“Sounds perfect,” Abraham finally exclaimed, “almost too good to be true. There's gotta be another side to this shiny-ass coin.”

“Yeah, what's the bad news?” Sasha asked.

“Well,” Glenn sighed and frowned, “under normal circumstances, it would be about a six hour drive from Waycross to the lake. That's with clear roads, no walkers and nothing else to contend with. It's 320 miles.”

“Six hours?” Rosita practically shouted. “We don't have enough gas to make it half that distance. Besides that, we don't know what kind of roadblocks we're going to face in those 320 miles!”

“I know, I know. It's a long drive,” Glenn replied, “but if we can make it there, it'll be worth it.”

“And how exactly do we do that?” Carol asked. “We need a minimum of two vehicles, plus the RV to fit all of us. Where are we going to get gas for this 320 mile trip for three vehicles?” 

“We thought about that,” Maggie said. “There's lots of small towns between here and there. We siphon gas from other cars along the road, like we did before we made it to the prison. We stop where it's safe and when we need to. We pick up supplies where we find them. We've done it before – we can do it again.”

“What do we do if this island's already occupied?” Abraham asked. “I mean I gotta think a lot of people might have had the same idea goin' to an island for refuge.”

Glenn looked at Rick, half expecting him to have an answer.

Rick eyed Glenn then the others. “If there's people on the island, then we deal with it. Same as we always have. If they're friendly, great, we coexist.”

“And if they're not?” Morgan questioned their leader.

Rick stared Morgan back down. “If they're hostile,” he paused, “then we take it from them.”

“That's it? We take it from them?” Morgan stated more than asked. “What you're really saying is we kill them. Right Rick?”

“We've had to kill before,” Rick replied casually. “If we have to do it again to stay alive, to protect our family, we'll do it.”

“We don't even have ammo,” Abraham said.

“We don't need it,” Rick replied confidently. “We've made it for more than two years without bullets. We have ourselves. We've become weapons and we can fight if we need to.”

“Knives, bats and axes against guns?” Rosita asked. “We're strong but not that strong.”

“We're getting way ahead of ourselves. We're already gearing up for war and we haven't even left Waycross,” Michonne said in exasperation.

“All we're saying, Michonne, is that there's a lot of 'ifs' in this plan,” Sasha said.

“If we leave...” Eugene began.

“When we leave...” Glenn corrected him.

“Alright, when we leave, we would be wise to have contingency plans for all possible obstacles on this perilous pilgrimage.”

“Eugene's right,” Abraham nodded. “We need to prepare for every eventuality. You know, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.”

Carol shook her head and peered at Glenn. “Now that you're actually showing us your plan, I'm not even sure it's still a good idea to leave right now.”

Liv spoke out too.“We have absolutely no idea what's out there...what we're going to run in to. I'm starting to think we should stay here too - keep waiting it out.”

“Look,” Glenn said impatiently. “This library was never meant to be permanent. It can't be permanent. We've drained our resources. There's no more for us here.” Glenn pointed at Penland Island on the map. “Look at this! This island and the surrounding area is a new life. A new life for all of us. It has everything we need and it's sustainable. It's where we can rebuild. Really rebuild this time. It's where we can make real lives for ourselves – for our kids. And I'd rather die trying to do this than to stay here barely getting by and waiting it out til we've run completely out of water and we just shrivel up and die. I'd rather take the gamble. It's time to turn over a new leaf and let go of this place.”

Maggie walked up to Glenn's side and put her arm around his waist. “We can't let our fears rule every decision we make. I know it's dangerous and a big gamble but we can't just think about this trip. We have to decide what's going to be the best way for us to live. Not just for today and tomorrow but in the long-run too.”

Glenn looked at his family. He saw the faces of his beloved friends. Many of the faces he had seen every day for the last five years. His gaze finally landed on the faces of his wife and son. “Maggie, Hershel and I are leaving Waycross. It's what we have to do and you won't convince us otherwise. It's the right decision for the three of us. I believe with all my heart it's the right decision for all of us but you all will have to make your own choices. We're going though and there isn't a thing anyone can say to change our minds on this.”

A thoughtful silence fell over the group. The reality that the Rhee family was moving on, with or without them, was a tough pill to swallow. Michonne looked at Rick. Morgan looked at Carol. The others exchanged glances trying their best to mentally negotiate this dilemma.

Carl, who had remained silent through the meeting, looked up at Glenn resolutely. “I'm going with you, Glenn. Holly and me, we're going with you. Just say when.”

…..

“Mama!!” Judith shouted, followed by a blood-curdling scream. “Mama help me!!”

Michonne jumped from under the covers and ran to Judith's twin bed in the corner of the attic. “I'm here baby. I'm here,” she said as she caressed Judy's face, wiping the tears from her eyes. “What's wrong Pumpkin? Did you have a bad dream?”

Judith nodded her head as she continued to sob.

Rick was startled awake too. He had pulled his revolver from under the mattress and was surveying the room. He slept with it there but had never had to draw his weapon in the middle of the night, not since they had been at the library.

As soon as Rick realized what the cause of the screams were, he lowered his gun. He lit the oil lamp on the nightstand then walked over to Eva's crib to check on her. He found the toddler still sleeping peacefully, despite the raucous. He placed his gun back under the mattress and joined Michonne at his daughter's bedside.

“You had a bad dream,” he stated, “but you're okay. Mama and Daddy are right here and everything's okay.”

Judith was settling down but she crawled onto Rick's lap. She wrapped her small hands around his neck and buried her head into his chest.

“Do you want to tell us what your dream was about?” Michonne asked.

Judith nodded and pulled her thumb out of her mouth. “I had a dream about the monsters outside. I had a dream that they were eating you, Daddy. They we're eating Daddy and then they were eating Grandpa.” Grandpa was how she affectionately referred to Morgan.

Rick looked at Michonne, unsure of how to respond.

Michonne combed her fingers through Judith's hair and spoke to her softly. “It was just a bad dream, Pumpkin. Look at Daddy. He's right here and he's fine,” she said rubbing Rick's arm. “Sometimes I have bad dreams too but then I wake up and I'm fine.”

“It scared me, Mama,” she said beginning to cry again.

“Shh, shh,” Rick said rocking her in his arms.

“I know there's monsters outside. I've seen them before. They have faces that are dead and ugly and they have blood all over them. I asked Clem and she told me to stay away from them because they eat people. ”

“When did you see the monsters?” Michonne asked.

“I saw them when I was on the roof one time...when I was playing on the slide.”

There was a playset, just two swings and a small slide, that they had brought up to the roof a few years ago. It was the only sunshine and outdoor time the children had. But months ago, when the herds started flooding into Waycross, they disassembled it and moved it inside for this very reason. They didn't want Judith, Eva or Hershel to see the walkers. Apparently it was too late.

It had never seemed strange to Judith that she had never once walked out the doors of the library. How could it? The minuscule world she lived in was completely within the walls of the Waycross Public Library and it was all she knew. She was well-adjusted to her circumstances and didn't question much. Rick and Michonne had painstakingly tried to shelter Judith from the horrors on the other side of their walls but they knew it was only a matter of time before they would have to explain the dangers of this world to their babies. But Judith was only four and that time wouldn't be tonight.

“What if they get inside our house? Will they eat us?”

“Judy, of course not! They won't get in here,” Michonne said.

Rick pulled Judy from his chest, held her face and looked her in the eyes. “All you need to know right now is that Daddy and Mama will always be right here to keep you safe. I promise. Okay?”

“Okay Daddy,” she said yawning.

“Let's get you under the covers so you can go back to sleep,” Michonne said pulling the blanket down.

“Will you lay with me, Mama, please? Just til I fall asleep again?”

“Of course I will, Pumpkin,” Michonne said lovingly. “Go back to bed, Rick. I got this.”

“You sure?” he asked. 

“Yep. I needed a good reason to snuggle with my baby girl,” she said as she lied down next to Judith. Judy smiled up at her.

Rick leaned over and kissed his wife and daughter. “I sure do love my pretty girls.”

“Love you too,” they both said in unison.

Michonne rubbed Judith's back and within ten minutes, she was fast asleep again. Michonne quietly slipped out of her bed, careful not to wake her again. She checked on Eva then turned off the lamp. She crawled back into bed with Rick and moved her body close to his.

Rick slid his arm around Michonne's waist and under her shirt, caressing her stomach.

“You're still awake?”

“It's 5 AM. I can't go back to sleep this late,” he said moving his hand up to her breasts. “Want to fool around?”

Michonne turned in his arms and faced him. She kissed him and looked him in the eyes. “We need to tell Judith about the walkers.”

Rick moved his hand away and rolled onto his back. “Wow, you sure know how to ruin a romantic mood” he joked.

“I know you Rick. You'll get back in the mood again as soon as I take my clothes off.”

Rick chuckled at how right she was about that. “You know me all too well, Baby.”

“And you know me. I can't make love to you when there's something on my mind like this,” she said propping her head up with her hand and resting her other hand on his bare chest.

“So why do we need to tell our four-year-old about the walkers?” he asked.

“You know why.”

Rick sighed uneasily and rubbed his eyes. “I know, because we're leaving. We're leaving and she has to know what it's like out there before we go.”

“I know she's little but we can't hide this from her anymore. She doesn't need to know all of it, but we at least need to prepare her for what she's gonna see,” Michonne said. “Have you talked to Carl anymore about this...about leaving?”

“Yeah, I talked to him. He's dead set on it. He's just as determined to leave as Glenn is.”

“Maybe I can talk to him.”

“And tell him what?”

“Tell him that he should think this through more. Tell him that maybe staying is the right move. After looking at Glenn and Maggie's plan, I'm on the fence again.”

“I'm not,” Rick replied. “And I'm not going to try to convince Carl to stay. First of all, it won't work. He's made up his mind and he's stubborn.”

“Hmm, I wonder where he get's that from,” Michonne replied and Rick ignored.

“And second, he and Glenn are right. It's time to go. The only thing we have here is a building. It's served us well but without a safe way to get water, what can be left for us here?” Rick looked over at Michonne. “Carl is leaving. There's nothing either of us can say to change his mind. And because he's leaving, we have to go with him.”

“We can't let Carl decide this for us. We have two little girls we need to be thinking about.”

“Well we can't let him go 300 miles away without us. Are you saying we should?”

“No, of course not” Michonne said with finality. “You're right, we have to stay together.”

“You know this isn't just about Carl. It's about all of us,” Rick said. “This is life telling us to let go of this place. Maybe it's even God telling us to let go...that it's the right time. It's the way the tides are turning and I don't want to try and fight it, Michonne. Not this time.”

Michonne put her head on Rick's chest. It was usually Rick that was the one on the fence about these agonizing decisions and questioning himself, as well as her. It was usually Michonne that cheered him on and gave him the reassurance that he needed. She always felt honored the way he looked to her for her wisdom and fortitude in the toughest of situations.

This time it was Rick. Rick was the one challenging her and reassuring her of what the right decision was. It was a foreign feeling to her but refreshing to let the man she loved lead with such faith and certainty.

“I trust you, Rick. If you say this is the right thing to do,” she paused, “especially if you feel like God is leading us to go, then I trust you completely.”

“Do you remember when we first came here to look for my brother Jeff and his family?”

“Right after the prison. After staying in the cottage, when I got shot. When we fell in love with each other,” she said looking at him with a reminiscent smile. “Those were some crazy days I'll never forget. Why are you asking about that?”

“I knew when we were coming to Waycross...I knew my brother wouldn't be here. I knew I wouldn't find him here alive and have some happy reunion. But something was leading me here anyway. I would've probably called it my instincts but I know you would call it something else.”

“You're right. I would've called it God.”

“I'm sure you'd be right. He lead us here and even though it didn't work out the way I had hoped...even though Jeff wasn't here, we wound up where we were supposed to be,” he said with a peaceful confidence. “And we found Liv. Liv and Holly. I would've never seen Liv again if we hadn't come here. And maybe Judith and the others would've never found us.”

Rick remained silent and thoughtful for a moment before speaking again. “I can't possibly began to understand everything that's happened over the last few years and I probably never will. I'll never understand the reasons you lost Andre and why we lost Lori and our families...why we lost Hershel and Daryl and so many others but I know that we are still here. God has a plan for us and we're still here. He's looked out for us and taken care of us. He's given us strength and courage to stand up to whatever we've needed to stand up to. I don't know how or why, but He has. I can't think that He won't do that as we go on to this next season of life. And maybe it's not gonna be pretty. Maybe we'll lose people. But life is loss and gain and we aren't always gonna have control over that. I'm just gonna have to trust God...the way I've been trying to do...the way you always told me I should.”

Michonne wrapped her hand around his bare chest and held on to him as tightly as she could. She closed her eyes with a steady feeling of serenity washed over her. “Hearing you say that...knowing that you really believe that,” Michonne said, “it's everything to me. It makes my soul feel good. Makes me my heart do a backflip in my chest,” she said as she ran her fingers through his curls. “You've come a long ways, Rick Grimes. You're a good man and I'm glad we found each other. There's no other person in this world I trust the way I trust you. No one I love more.”

Rick put his hand around Michonne's neck and pulled her over to him, fixing his eyes on her face. He moved his mouth towards hers, parting her lips with his lips and tongue. He gently moved his lips across her cheek, leaving a trail of soft kisses on her face until his mouth found her ear. “Make love to me, Michonne,” he whispered.

Michonne sat up and lifted her tank-top over her head. She laid her bare chest on his and straddled his body with her slender legs. They made love until the sun came up.


	7. Then and Now

A/N: Hope you enjoy this second flash forward!!

February 4, 2041: Then and Now

Michonne sat in the third pew from the back at the Lake Chatuge New Hope Church. She liked to be there early to help Pastor Gabriel Stokes with anything he might need before the Sunday morning service started. This morning, Pastor Gabriel had things running smoothly and there wasn't much for her to do.

Michonne looked out the window to watch for the ferry that brought the others to the main island from the surrounding areas. As it docked, she rose from her seat and walked closer to the window, surveying the ferry and its passengers. She was hoping to see a particular passenger depart from the large vessel and anxiously watched as the dozens of people walked onto the dock towards the church.

When the last person exited, Michonne hung her head in disappointment. Carl walked up behind her and placed his arm around her shoulder.

“Eva will be home soon, Mom. Eva, Clem, Liv, Ben and Bob...they'll all be home soon. Don't worry.”

“I'm sure you're right.” Michonne put her hand on Carl's back and gave him a squeeze. “Do you wanna know when a mother stops worrying about her children?”

“When?” Carl asked.

“When she's pushing up daisies, that's when.”

Carl smiled and drew his mother into a warm hug with both arms. “Well you must have worried about us a lot then.”

“I didn't used to as much but now that your dad is gone, my mind does things to me it didn't used to do before. You three kids and my grand-babies are the most important thing I have on the face of this earth. If I wasn't a mess of tears every day, I'd say I need to get a hobby.”

Carl looked into Michonne's dark brown eyes. Over the last seven months her eyes seemed to grow heavier with each passing day. She had her good days, usually when she was surrounded by family and friends. But often times she retreated to be alone with her tears and mournfulness. As soon as her family was off to work and school every morning, she was painfully alone with no one to keep her company but her grief. Carl tried his best to encourage her to get out of the house and spend time with people or get involved in something but she would just smile and say, “I'm not ready for that yet.” Family and church were the only social activities she participated in.

It broke Carl's heart to see her this way and he wished he could do anything to speed up the grieving process she was going through. If he was being honest though, emotionally, he wasn't in much better of a place. The difference was Carl was too busy to mourn properly. Most days he pushed his despair aside and moved on with his busy day.

Carl recalled the days of his youth when time was a paradox. In one way, there was no time to mourn. Each day was merely a fight for survival. All too often, their dangerous circumstances forced them to leave loved ones who had passed away behind as opposed to giving them a fitting goodbye. He remembered the day Eva was born. Noah had died that day – torn apart and eaten alive by the dead. The walkers didn't allow them to retrieve what was left of his body and give him the respectful burial he should have received.

Carl remembered seeing Hershel's decapitated head and lifeless body lying on the ground as they ran for their lives from the fiery prison. His father ordered him to not look back but Carl couldn't help turning his head one last time to see what, or more importantly who, they were leaving behind. He saw the respected patriarch sprawled out on the ground in such an undignified manner, never to be laid to rest by his family the way deserved.

Other times, there was nothing but time to mourn. No distractions and nothing to fill your mind when you lost someone dear to you. All you had was your misery and grief to haunt you day after day as the death of a loved one agonizingly replayed in your head.

Yes, time and grief were a paradox with few rules you could count on.

Unlike times before, Michonne, Carl, Judith, Eva and the others were in many ways, able to grieve the loss of Rick Grimes with some sense of normalcy. There was a wake, a service, a gravestone and flowers. There were even the obligatory casseroles and muffins that well-meaning people felt would somehow help ease the burden of the loss. Carl was grateful that he and his family could at least mourn his father in the diverse and distinct ways they all needed to mourn. Time and circumstances had at least afforded them that small boon.

Life before was one tragedy followed by another. Now, deaths and catastrophes, were few and far between. For the most part, everyone could live and breathe in peace. Everyone except for the Grimes family, that is. There few and far between moment was right now.

“They should have been back more than a week ago. What do you think happened?” Michonne asked Carl.

“Probably nothing. You know how things go. You know that there's still lots of roadblocks out there and unexpected things come up.”

“Unexpected roadblocks. You're saying that as if those are good things,” Michonne scoffed. “In the last 30 years I've never missed too many of the creature comforts from before. But when you or your dad were out there...and now Eva being out there, I would do anything to be able to pick up a phone to call her and make sure she's okay.”

“Maybe your new hobby could be to raise homing pigeons for communication,” Carl replied.

“That's not funny,” Michonne said, trying her best not to smile.

“I'm sorry. That was a bad joke,” Carl said chuckling quietly. “All I'm saying is that you should do something besides worry. Eva, Clem and the others are probably fine and on their way home right now.”

“I know. I know. I was just hoping to see her walk off that boat today. I haven't seen her since the day after Christmas and I miss her.”

“I miss her too,” Carl said hugging her again. “Church is going to start soon. Let's sit down.”

Michonne walked with Carl and sat back in her seat. Just as they sat down, Judith and her brood walked in.

“Hey Mom,” Judith said hugging her mother with her four children: Charlie, 7, Jack, 6, Sam, 4 and Rachel, 2, close behind.

“Nana!” they shouted, wrapping their arms around her.

“Hey cuties!” Michonne said, smiling widely at her four grandchildren.

Judith Grimes, now Judith Mason, had dark angelic eyes, fair skin and long raven hair. She was every bit as beautiful as her mother but really, her round face and square chin made her resemble her father.

Judith married a well-built, handsome, blonde and blue-eyed man that everyone adored, Caleb Mason. Rick and Morgan found the eleven-year-old boy and his father on a hunting trip three years after they had made it to Penland Island. Caleb and his ailing father were living in a small cabin in the Smoky Mountains. Once it was obvious that the two were no threat, Rick and Morgan made the call to bring them home with them. Caleb's father died two months after their arrival and once again, Rick, Michonne and the others took the young orphan under their wing as one of their own.

When Judith was 19 and Caleb was 23, he asked Rick and Michonne for their daughter's hand in marriage. Judith's parents were touched and a bit surprised by the young man's old-fashioned gesture. Caleb, who by then was like a son to them, was overjoyed when Rick shook his hand and said they'd be honored to have Judy marry him. They married a month later but didn't start a family for another four years, enjoying the freedom of being young, carefree and in love.

When Judith finally did become a mother, she went all in. The term “soccer mom” was coined for women like Judith Grimes Mason. She doted on her children and filled her time teaching and nurturing them in every facet of their young lives. Her children were her world and she was theirs. It was a pleasant surprise to Michonne that in this dark world, there could still be mothers that baked muffins and taught their children things like soccer and art. Rick credited his eldest daughter's motherly capacities to Michonne. When Michonne looked at Judith, she saw a mother from days long ago – how good mothers were before and still could be now.

“Where's Caleb?” Michonne asked.

“He's not coming. He said he needed to help Glenn with something,” Judith said as she sat little Rachel on her lap and fixed her hair.

Seconds later, Hershel Rhee, his wife Stella and their five-year-old twin daughters, Lily and Sarah walked into the church. The girls ran up and down the aisle of the chapel before stopping and standing next to Michonne, Judith and the Mason children.

“Hey pretty girls! Those are beautiful dresses you have on,” Michonne said grinning at the twins.

“Our grandma made them for us,” Sarah said proudly. “Mine has a pink bow and Lily's has a purple bow.”

“Very nice. And where are your grandma and grandpa?” Michonne asked looking around the sanctuary for Maggie and Glenn.

“They're late. Grandpa said one of their goats is missing,” Lily said matter of factly.

“They lost a goat? Well that's an excuse for being late to church that I haven't heard before.”

Both girls giggled as Hershel walked to Michonne. “Hey Michonne.” he said giving her a distracted hug. Hershel Rhee, Glenn and Maggie's eldest child and now 28 years old, looked every bit like his father and even sounded like him. Michonne had mistaken him for Glenn on more than one occasion.

Years ago, there had always been a running joke between the Grimes and the Rhees that one day, Eva and Hershel would grow up and marry each other, but that day never came. Once Eva reached an age where she understood the joke, she made it very clear to Hershel and everyone else that she planned on remaining single and child-free until the day she died. She was the polar opposite of her big sister, Judith. She was an intense and independent woman bent on conquering the world in front of her. She had wanderlust and a soul that thirsted for adventure. As soon as she reached adulthood, Michonne and Rick had a hard time keeping her close to home. She was anxious to leave the island for any run or mission that she was allowed to go on. But even though Eva was strong, spirited and even a little reckless, she was also highly intelligent and resourceful.

Hershel, on the other hand, started a family at the young age of 22. When the newcomers made it to The Islands, he found and fell in love with Stella Woodrow. Within a year, they were married and within another year, Stella gave birth to their twin girls.

“Hey you,” she replied to Hershel. “I heard your mom and dad are wrangling goats.”

Hershel looked at Michonne, then Carl with confusion. “That's not what they're doing. Who told you that?” he asked.

“The girls did,” Michonne said, her smile fading to concern.

“What's going on?” Carl asked straight out.

Hershel's eyes traveled between the two of them again. “That must have been what my dad told them so they wouldn't worry,” he said. Hershel motioned for Carl and Michonne to take a few steps away from the children.

“What happened, Hershel?” Michonne said.

“My mom is missing,” he said in a quiet but distressed tone. “Well not missing exactly...I mean I'm sure she's probably fine. She takes the dog for a walk in the morning but my dad says she's always back by eight. It's ten now. He went out half an hour ago to look for her.”

“Is anyone helping your dad look?” Carl asked.

“Caleb is. I told my dad I was going to walk the girls to church and then come and help him look. I got a little paranoid and didn't want them walking around town alone,” Hershel said growing more tense. 

“Michonne, can you and Judith stay with Stella and the twins until we get this sorted out?”

“Of course,” Michonne replied.

Carl looked at his mom, “I'm going to go too and help look for Maggie. After church, go straight home with the kids. You can tell Judith and Gabriel what's going on but don't tell anyone else. I don't want anyone to panic.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Michonne nodded. “As soon as you find anything, let me know. Okay?”

“I will,” he said as he quickly walked away. As soon as Carl and Hershel walked out of the church building, Carl pulled his father's Colt Python out of his holster and checked to make sure it was locked and loaded. It was.

.....

Carl and Hershel found Glenn and Caleb walking on the North side of the island. They ran to catch up with them.

“Did you find Mom?” Hershel called out, knowing the answer as soon as he saw his father's face.

“No,” Glenn said anyway. “This is where she takes Sugar for her morning walk. Once in a while they go on the rocks on the west side of the island but they always come here.”

“We'll find her,” Carl said. “Don't worry Glenn.”

“I just don't understand,” Glenn began, “like clockwork, everyday for the last four years, she get's up at 6:30. She showers, gets dressed and then takes the dog out at seven. She walks back through the door at eight o'clock, on the nose and we have our morning coffee together. Every day she does the same exact thing.”

“Do you think she would have stopped over at anyone's house?” Carl asked.

“No. Not without telling me. She'd know if she did that without telling me, I'd worry,” Glenn replied.

Despite his calm and cool demeanor, an uneasiness was rising up in Carl's gut. Maggie was 57. She was strong and well-equipped to take care of herself. But the fact that she was so outside of her normal routine had Carl all but sure something had happened. After all these years, Maggie would never be careless or thoughtless enough to come home two hours late. Carl suspected that maybe she'd had some kind of accident. If she climbed the rocks on the west side of the island, something could have happened there. It had rained the night before and the rocks were likely to still be wet and slick. She could have slipped on them and hit her head, knocking herself unconscious or worse. Maybe she had a medical emergency...something like a heart attack or a stroke. Maggie was healthy but it wasn't unheard of for even a healthy woman of age 57 to have a heart attack or stroke.

They had searched the small area of the island thoroughly and found nothing. “We should look somewhere else,” Carl suggested. “She may have been here earlier but she's not here anymore. Hershel, Caleb, you stay with Glenn – keep looking. I'm going back home. I'm going to let a few more people in on what's going on and get another search party together.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Caleb replied. “We can...”

“Did you hear that?” Glenn exclaimed quietly.

“What do you got Glenn?” Carl asked.

“I hear whimpering, it sounds like Sugar” Glenn said looking in the direction of the noise.

“Yeah, I hear it too,” Hershel said moving closer to his father. The four men moved slowly with their weapons drawn. They quickly and cautiously walked towards the water, near an area they had searched just 15 minutes earlier.

Glenn looked down at his feet. Blood. Blood in the grass and dirt below him. “God no please,” Glenn cried. He began to run ahead of the others towards the sound of his and Maggie's dog.

As they approached the shoreline, they spotted Sugar, the yellow Pit Bull/Labrador mix, lying with her bloody body half in and half out of the water. Glenn knelt down beside his dog.

“Who did this to you?” he shouted as he pulled Sugar's head off the ground and put it in his lap. She panted heavily and cried as Glenn held her close. She had several lacerations all over her chest and stomach. A deep puncture wound in her chest poured out dark blood that ran into the water. One of her ears had been sliced clean off. “Whoever did this to Sugar has Maggie! We have to find her! Now!”

“We will,” Carl said, still remaining calm. “Someone's on the island and we need to let the others know what's going on. Let's go.”

Sugar's breaths were getting slower and deeper. She had stopped whimpering and her eyes rolled back in her head. “She's dying,” Glenn said as he gripped onto her and cried. Glenn looked at Hershel, Carl and Caleb, searching their faces for what he should do. Glenn scratched Sugar's back lovingly and kissed her on the bridge of her nose. He gently pulled her head off his lap and laid it on the sandy shore. Glenn stood up and grabbed his rifle off the ground. He stoically aimed the gun at Sugar's bloodied head and pulled the trigger. Glenn didn't move but just stood watching the water advance and retreat towards her body, drawing more blood out to the lake as it moved.

Hershel put his hand on his father's shoulder, “C'mon Dad, we have to go.”

Glenn nodded and finally turned his head from his beloved pet of ten years. “Yeah. Yeah,” he said in a hopeless daze. “We have to find Mom.”


	8. Kids These Days

June 20, 2015: Kids These Days

 

3 Days Til Departure

Michonne stacked three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on a plate. She grabbed a handful of sliced carrots and put them on another plate. She walked over to where Judith was playing with her Barbie dolls on the floor with Eva. 

“Eva, don't chew on them!” she yelled at her little sister. “You're going to get your spit in their hair. Mama, make Eva stop putting my dolls in her mouth.”

Michonne set the plates on a table and stooped over to pick Eva up from the floor. She took the wet Barbie out of Eva's mouth and tickled her ribs. “That's yucky, Eva. Do you want some real food?”

“Yucky,” Eva mimicked.

Michonne walked Eva over to Liv and Holly, “Hey girls, there are carrots and sandwiches in the kitchen for you. Do you think you could watch Eva for about 45 minutes and get her some lunch too?”

“Sure, no problem,” Liv said reaching out to the smiling toddler.

“Thanks,” Michonne replied as she kissed Eva and handed her to Liv.

“Hey Pumpkin, you ready for your lunch?” Michonne said turning towards Judith.

Judith stood up and walked towards her mother. “Yep!”

“Are you forgetting something?” Michonne asked nodding her head towards Judith's mess of dolls, clothes and accessories.

“Oh.” Judith quickly gathered her toys up, placed them in an adjacent bin and walked them over to where they belonged.

“Good girl,” Michonne said picking up the plates again. “Now follow me. We're going up to the roof and we're going to have lunch up there with Daddy.”

Judith stopped in her tracks. “On the roof? I thought I couldn't go up there anymore.”

“Well today is a special school day,” Michonne said as she read the fear in Judith's eyes. She stacked the plates on top of each other and held out her free hand to Judy. “It's okay Pumpkin. Daddy and me are going to have a roof picnic with you and then we're going to teach you some things that all big girls need to know. How old are you now?” Michonne asked.

“I'm four, Mama. You know that.”

Michonne walked up the stairs with Judy in tow. “But you're going to be five before you know it and then six, seven, eight. Then before you know it you'll be a really big girl like Mama.”

“You're not big, Mama. You have a small tummy and you're not as tall as Daddy.”

“Well there's more than one kind of big. There's the kind of big in size, like Abraham, and then there's a kind of big that's even more important.”

“Like how?” Judith asked inquisitively.

“Big like very smart and brave and knowing what to do if something happens that scares you.”

“Mama, am I going to see the monsters up on the roof?”

Michonne opened the maintenance closet door and propped it in place with her foot. “Well there are no monsters on the roof but when we get up there, you'll be able to see them from up there.”

“I don't want to go up there!” she cried. “I don't want to see them...they scare me!”

“Nothing's gonna hurt you. Mama and Daddy won't let anything hurt you. I promise.”

“Please Mama! Don't take me up there!” she said as she pulled her hand out of Michonne's and backed away from the closet.

“Judy, listen. Do you remember when we saw that mouse in our bedroom a few months ago?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you remember at first I screamed because it scared me?” Judy nodded. “But then I stopped screaming. I was just scared for a second. Then I got a box and I captured the mouse and I took him outside. And everything was fine.”

“But the monsters are scarier then mice.”

“Yeah,” Michonne said casually, “they are a little scarier than mice. But you don't have to be scared of them. They don't scare Mama or Daddy or Carl or anyone else in the family. It's just like the mouse: we know how to take care of them.”

“But everyone whose name you just said, they're all bigger than me.”

“But you're big too. That's why you have to learn too. Eva and Hershel, they're too little. But you...you are big! You know your alphabet and know how to go on the potty and pick up your toys. You're a big girl, Judith Grimes.”

Michonne held out her hand again. “C'mon Pumpkin. Daddy and me are just going to teach you some stuff just like Eugene and Lee do. We get to be your teachers today.”

Tears still ran down Judith's chubby cheeks as she reached out to take Michonne's hand again. They made their way to the roof where Rick was waiting.

“Hey pretty girl!” Rick said as he picked her up in his strong and steady arms. “I put out a blanket for us to sit on while we have our lunch! We're going to have a picnic!” he said enthusiastically.

Judith's fear dissipated as she felt the warmth and security of her daddy's arms around her. “What's a picnic?” she asked.

“It's when you eat outside.”

“Like in 'Teddy Bear's Picnic'?”

“Is that a book?” Rick asked. Judy nodded with a smile. “Well then yep...just like in 'Teddy Bear's Picnic'.”

The three of them sat down on the blanket and ate their sandwiches and carrots. Rick told her about the different kinds of trees growing near the library and Michonne told a story about going on a picnic and camping with her family in Colorado when she was Judy's age.

“Where's Colorado?” Judy asked.

“It's pretty far from here,” Michonne said. “It would take us driving in a car for days and days to get there, but it's very pretty.”

“Does it look like here?”

“Some parts look like here,” Rick explained, “but other parts have big, giant mountains with rocks and cliffs. There are rivers and bears and even mountain lions there. I took a ski trip there with my friends in high school.”

“What's a ski trip?” Judy asked, one question just leading to another.

“You strap these boards to your feet and then you slide down a mountain of snow,” Rick explained.

“Well that sounds weird and kind of dangerous.” Judith suddenly looked at her parents with excitement and pride. “I know what snow is. It's white and cold and fluffy!”

“Yep,” Rick agreed. “You must have read about that in one of our books because we don't get very much snow in Georgia. Definitely not enough to ski on.”

When they finished eating, Rick sat Judith on his lap. “Now listen to Daddy carefully, Judy. In three days, all of us are going to leave the library. You haven't been outside of the library since you were a baby...even littler than Eva. When we go out there, you're probably going to see things you've never seen before. Some of the things you see might scare you. But you don't have to be scared, okay? Because Daddy and Mama and everyone else is going to be right there with you. We'll make sure nothing hurts you. That's our job. But you have a job too.”

“I do?”

“Yep,” Michonne spoke next. “Your job when we go outside is to do exactly what Mama and Daddy tell you to do. You can't ask why. You can't cry. You just have to listen and be very quiet. You have to be brave. You think you can do that?”

Judith nodded her head slowly. “You can do better than that,” Rick said. “Say: I'll listen to you and do whatever Mommy and Daddy say.”

“I'll listen to you and do whatever you and Mama say,” she echoed.

“Say: I'm going to be brave and quiet, even if I get scared,” Rick instructed her.

“I'm going to be brave and quiet even if I get scared.”

“Good job Pumpkin,” Michonne said kissing Judith on the top of her head.

“Now Judith,” Rick said lifting Judy off his lap as he began to stand up, “you're going to come and look over the wall.”

“No Daddy, I don't want to.”

“It's okay sweetie. They can't hurt you from down there. I want you to see them. Do you know why?”

“So I can know what they look like? So that I won't be scared when we leave?”

“That's right! You're so smart. If you see them now, it won't be as scary later. I've seen them so many times that they don't even scare me at all anymore.”

“Yep, me too,” Michonne concurred. 

“Okay, I'll look. But not for too long, okay?”

“You got it!” Rick said. 

Judith held onto both of her parent's hand as she slowly moved to the side of the roof. She tried to peer over the ledge but was too short. Rick lifted her up slightly. Judith's eyes widened as she looked down on hundreds and hundreds of walkers shuffling up and down the street. Their grotesque appearance, constant moaning and the sheer number overwhelmed the poor girl.

“Okay Daddy! Put me down. I saw them. I looked at them! I was brave and I looked at them!” she said as tears weld up in her eyes.

“And what about when you see them next time?” Rick asked.

“I'll listen to you and Mama! I'll be brave and quiet and I'll do everything you say.”

“Perfect!” Rick said as he scooped her up in his arms again. “You are a brave little girl and I'm so proud of you!” He kissed her and Michonne goodbye before they left the roof. The necessary evil of showing his daughter what was outside the walls was over. That was the easy part though. In three days, she would see it up close.

 

Two Days Til Departure

Michonne held Eva in her arms as she spoke to Carl, Holly, Liv and Clem. “Pack only the very basics in your backpacks: a knife, an extra set of clothes, two or three pairs of socks and anything small that you absolutely don't want to lose. Leave as much room for water and food,” she carefully instructed them. “These are your emergency packs...the only thing you'll be able to grab if we get into a tight spot on the road.”

“What about everything else?” thirteen-year-old Clementine asked.

“Everyone can pack another small bag or box with your secondary items: another set of clothes, another pair of shoes and anything else that's special. Not too much though. There's a good chance these secondary bags may not even make the cut,” Michonne instructed. “Be prepared to leave a lot of things behind here in Waycross.”

Liv walked back into the room she shared with Clementine. She looked at her favorite books sprawled out on her bed. Michonne could read the 20 year-old girl's mind. “Don't take any books Liv. They'll weigh us down and there will be other libraries in North Carolina.”

Liv looked up from the books at Michonne. Tears were welling up in her eyes. “What's wrong sweetie?” Michonne asked.

Liv shook her head as more tears came. “It's stupid.”

Michonne set Eva down on the floor and walked over to Liv, placing her hand on her niece's shoulder. “Tell me. I can all but promise you I won't think whatever is on your mind is stupid.”

Liv looked into Michonne's face then looked down at her books again. “I know were leaving. I know it's the right thing to do. Everyone hates Waycross now and we have to go,” Liv cried, “but I just want to stay.”

“Why do you want to stay?”

“I was born here. I was born at Waycross Memorial Hospital and my parents brought me home to our house just a few blocks from here,” she said. “Every day, I went to school here. I played soccer at the park near my house, second through sixth grade. I ran track at Waycross High and went to Bucky's for pizza and ice cream with my friends after the meets. I had my first kiss when I was fourteen, outside this very library.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the lucky boy?” Michonne asked smiling and pushing Liv's hair behind her shoulder.

“Daniel Burke,” Liv giggled shyly. “He begged me for a straight week for just one kiss...would not leave me alone. I finally caved just because he was annoying me so badly. But then when it happened, it was perfect...almost magical. I was mad at myself for not giving in to him the first time he asked.” Liv's face returned to it's somber shade. “My parents and Mikey are buried in the backyard of my house. Everything I've ever known has happened in this town. It's home. Probably only to me but it's still home.”

“I don't want to go either,” Michonne confessed. “It's been home to me too. Not for as long as you but it's still my home.”

“I know. And I know everyone doesn't hate it here. I get it - it's just not safe anymore.”

“Now, now our home is with each other. That's it. That's all we really have that matters. Before we came here, we were at a prison. It was cold and dark and ugly. But my friends were there. It was safe and that's why we made it our home. Now all these people who were once just friends and acquaintances, now they're family. We've made amazing memories here at this library. Eva was born here. Rick and I got married in front of that fireplace with all of you around us. We're taking those memories with us. You're taking the memories you made with your friends and family with you. It's just about all we can take.”

Liv nodded slowly. “You're right. It's stupid to think that a town or a building is important. They're not.”

Michonne pulled Liv into a hug. “It's not stupid to think that way. It's just not useful.” Tears welled up in Michonne's eyes as she thought of her baby that she had to leave behind almost six years ago. She pulled away from Liv and reached down to her neck. “You see this?” she said pulling the small gold pendant away from her chest. “My sweet Andre gave this to me on Mother's Day when he was two. It's the only thing I have left from him besides my memories.” Michonne studied the tiny, gold 'M' then tucked it back into her shirt. “When he died, I had to bury him in a hurry. I ran away from the refugee camp with nothing but my sword on my back and his little body in my arms. I dug a shallow grave under a tree with my bare hands and I had to leave him there. I'll never go back there. I'll never put flowers on his grave...I don't actually even remember where he's buried. But it doesn't matter. He's not really there.”

Michonne felt Eva reaching up and tugging at her shirt. “Mama. Want food,” Eva said bouncing beneath her. Michonne pulled Eva onto her lap and sat on Liv's bed. She pulled her breast out and Eva eagerly began to nurse.

“I know I'll see my Andre again someday. I know it. And if I wasn't so sure, maybe I would have had a harder time leaving him behind. I know he's with my Daddy on the other side. Far away from here and so happy.” Michonne wiped a tear from her eye and smiled down at Eva. “Now this little girl, on the other hand...she's here. She's now. Her and Judy and Carl and you and everyone else, we're here. We are what's now. We're our home. That's all we have on this side of life. And we have to do whatever it takes to preserve that.”

Liv sat down on her bed next to Michonne and Eva and put her arm around the woman she had grown to cherish so eminently. “You're one of the best things on this side. I can say goodbye to this place if I'm going with you and Uncle Rick and everyone else. I can let it go...I have to. And we'll make new memories as we go along.” Liv leaned her head onto Michonne's shoulder. “I love you Michonne.”

“Love you too, Girl. You got this.”

Liv stood up and gathered the books from her bed. She placed them back on her small bookshelf, knowing it would be the last time she would touch them.“We got this.”

 

One Day Til Departure

Everyone was gathered around the table in the main room of the library for their final meeting before leaving the next day. Rick, Michonne, Glenn, Abraham and Sasha had gone over the plan thoroughly but it was now time to share it with the others and tell them what their responsibilities would be.

The five in charge even wanted the younger members, Judy, Clem and Holly, to be present in the meeting. It was just as important that those who were inexperienced at survival be fully aware of the part that they played in the move. A mistake by one of the children could easily have a chain reaction that could but everyone in jeopardy.

The argument could be made that Clementine was more than able to take care of herself. For the first two years of the end, she navigated the new and ugly world with bravery, skill and maturity. She was well accustomed to the dangers outside their safe haven. However, since Lee and the others had brought her to their most recent home in Waycross, she seldom left the library. Lee was faced with the decision to either bring her outside so she would stay sharp in battle, or keep her inside, sheltered from the danger and atrocities on the other side of the walls. Safety won out and for the last two years, survival and weapons training was done on the inside.

Abraham stood tall at the head of the table and spoke to the group in his booming voice. “Rosita, Sasha and I are going to light the fire three blocks from here at the elementary school. All the paper and books in the library will be good fuel. We're lighten' it up at 3 AM so it'll still be dark – easier for them to be drawn to, but still early enough that we'll have plenty of daylight ahead of us. The three of us are gonna have to go the long way around to the south side of the school because there's a build up of the walkers on the north entrance. We get to the roof and climb down inside from there.”

“Do you think it's still clear inside?” Morgan asked.

“Hopefully,” Glenn replied. “We cleared out that elementary school more than a year and a half ago. There's no telling what could have gotten in between now and then. But the last time we drove by, we didn't notice any breaches...not on the south and west sides, anyway.”

Abraham continued. “When the fire gets going, it should draw the dead ones away from here. As soon as enough of them are away, Rick, Michonne, Glenn and Morgan, are security. You're gonna make sure any stragglers get taken down right quick and protect the others while they pack up the trailer and other vehicles with our packs and provisions.”

Rick stood next to Abraham and spoke. “Carol, Carl, Liv, Maggie, Lee, Eugene, Clem, Bob, you're going to pack up the vehicles quickly. Water and food first, then if things are running smooth, secondary packs next. Everyone should have their personal packs on their backs and a weapon in their hand. Holly, you're gonna stay inside and watch the little ones. As soon as the cars are packed up, we'll bring you out with Judy, Eva, Hershel and Winnie. We all get in the cars quickly, then we take off.”

“Abraham, Rosita and I will meet you at mile marker 40 on Highway 23,” Sasha said. “It should hopefully be far away enough from the mess of walkers here. If we aren't there by 6 AM or it's not safe to wait for us, you keep heading towards the Promised Land. We'll see you when we get there. If for any reason it's not clear on Highway 23, all the drivers have their alternate routes.

“So is everyone clear on what they're doing?” Rick asked, scanning everyone's face. “If there are any questions or concerns, now is the time to bring them up.”

Holly raised her hand with trepidation. 

“What is it Holly?” Michonne asked.

“What do we do if the fire doesn't get started...I mean if for some reason or another, Rosita, Sasha and Abraham don't make it or they can't get it started?” 

All eyes were on Holly. She thought she was bringing up a valid point but everyone looking in her direction made her regret expressing any kind of doubt in the group's abilities. “I'm sorry,” she said with embarrassment, holding back tears and wanting to crawl inside her hoodie.

“Don't you dare say sorry, Holly,” Rosita said to the 16 year old. “That's a damn good question and you're right, we need to plan for every eventuality.”

“We actually do have a plan for that scenario,” Rick answered. “If the fire doesn't get started or for whatever reason, the immediate area outside the library doesn't clear out, we don't leave.”

“We go back to square one, and figure out another way,” Carl said giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. “We're not going to leave the library if we can't get most of the walkers away from it.”

“Rest your mind, Little Lady. If the fire don't light, everyone stays put,” Abraham spoke up. “But listen y'all: these two valiant women and this foolhardy Sargent are going to make it to the school and we are going to set that place ablaze. We'll keep you posted on our status with the walkies so just watch and be ready.”

“Okay,” Holly replied meekly as she gripped her belly.

“Alright, any other questions?” Rick said waiting for anyone else to speak up. “So everyone knows what to do?” Rick observed nods from all those around him. “Then everyone be ready to go and on high alert by 3 AM tomorrow morning. Get a good night's sleep...we're doing this!”

8 Hours Til Departure

It was 7 PM as Rick, Abraham and Eugene stacked the last of the water bottles near the library's main doors. Michonne carried 2 duffle bags up from the basement. They were packed full of deer and hog jerky and an assortment of dried fruits and vegetables. “This is the last of the light-weight stuff,” she said as she set the bags down next to the two bags of Ready-To-Eat meals.. “We have some canned meat, fruits and veggies, packed and ready to go too but we're going to have to leave those sacks of grain and some of the other cans behind.”

“The dry stuff alone is rations enough for everybody for nine days,” Carol said as she organized the food. “From the food and water side of things, we're ready to go.”

“Sounds good,” Rick replied. “You and Morgan get as much rest as you can,” he said giving her shoulder a squeeze.

“Yeah, right,” Carol chuckled walking away. “Goodnight all!”

Eugene handed Rick the walkies. “The walkies have fresh batteries and are in good working condition. If there is nothing else for me to do, I think I'd like to retire as well.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Thanks Eugene,” Rick said. 

Michonne sidled up to Rick and put her arms around his waist, “We're ready.”

“As ready as we'll ever be,” Rick said with a sigh.

“You feel good about all this?”

“Good would be a stretch. But I do think we've taken things slow and thought things through.”

“Well then what else is there to do?”

“I honestly can't think of anything else to do,” Rick said shaking his head.

“Well I know what I think we should do,” Michonne said smiling.

“Do you now?” Rick said moving his hands below her back. 

“We're going to be on the road for a good long while and alone time is going to be hard to come by,” she said running her fingers behind his ear and through his curls.

“Go on...” Rick said, completely taken in by her seduction.

“I think we should go get the girls to bed and then have a night cap and then I should let you have your way with me.”

“You make several valid points. We don't know when we'll have this opportunity again and we can't take all the liquor with us. A couple of night caps will help me go right to sleep too. I think it would probably be the best way to give this old library a proper send-off.”

Michonne grabbed Rick's hand and lead him to the kitchen. She grabbed a bottle of Knob Creek single barrel bourbon and two glasses. As she pulled him up the stairs to the attic, Rick could barely keep his hands off her. He pushed her body against the wall at the bottom of the attic staircase and pressed his lips firmly against hers. His tongue eagerly explored her mouth before Michonne pushed him away. “Slow down there cowboy! Carl and Holly are in our room with the girls.”

“Right,” Rick said backing away and taking a few deep breaths.

“You put Judith to sleep and I'll take care of Eva. Got it?” she said as she thrust her hips closer to him and kissed him again. 

“Got it,” he said, breathing heavily into her ear. “Let's make our last night here in Waycross, one to remember.”


	9. See You When You Get There

Chapter 9: June 23, 2015: See You When You Get There

I'd be a fool to surrender when I know I can be a contender  
If everybody's a sinner then everybody can be a winner  
No matter your rag color, deep down, we all brothers  
And regardless of the time, somebody up there still love us

I'ma scuffle and struggle until I'm breathless and weak  
I done strived my whole life to make it to the mountain peak  
Always keep reaching sure to grab on to something  
I'll be there when you get there with muted sounds bumping

I'll see you when you get there  
If you ever get there  
See you when you get there  
I'll see you when you get there  
If you ever get there  
See you when you get there  
Coolio

Carl laid awake in bed, unable to sleep anymore. It was easy enough to fall asleep at 8:30 the previous night after the arduous day of preparing for the move. He grabbed his watch from the night stand and read the face. It was 1:30 AM. Five hours of sleep was generous enough especially since he wasn't sure he'd be able to sleep at all, with the anxious feelings he had. 

Carl rolled on his side and slid his arm around Holly's waist. He caressed her belly and thought of the baby inside. His baby. A rush of excitement shot through his mind and body as he thought about being a father. Yes this baby was unplanned. Yes the world was a dangerous place. Yes his young wife was terrified. But none of that shook Carl. All he saw was a new life. A life that was created by him. A life that he would protect and do anything for. 

Fear and worry wasn't really an issue for Carl. He saw what needed to be done and did it. Most things were black and white for him and the gray areas just needed to be pushed to one side or the other. Pragmatism was second nature to him. If things make sense, you go with them. If they don't, you don't. It was an uncomplicated code for complicated times. He had no patience for drama or excuses. 

That's where Holly came in. In the beginning, their budding romance was simple enough. They looked at each other with stars in their eyes the way many did in a fledgling relationship. They fell hard and things were easy. But as they grew up, Carl realized more and more that Holly was anything but simple. She was anything but black and white. The nuances of her personality baffled the teenage boy to no end and Carl's code didn't work with her. Carl thought Holly needed to just put her fears aside, tow the line and get her shit together. He still thought that. But Holly couldn't. She just couldn't. 

As Carl matured he began to realize that perhaps he couldn't over-simplify everything. Definitely not Holly. Her agoraphobia, self-doubt, paranoia and overall anxiety about everything, was real. They weren't just mental issues either. They were in her head but her body reacted too. He'd seen it many times. He'd watched her hyperventilate to the point where her lips started to turn blue. He'd seen her shaking to the point where it brought on nausea and near fainting. Michonne tried to explain to Carl that when he implied it was just in her head, it was as bad as telling his dad that his hand hadn't really been amputated and that was all in his dad's head.

Carl went back and forth with her. Most days, he was patient and gentle with her. He was empathetic, tolerant and handled her delicately. He prided himself on being the one to take care of her and love her despite her weakness. He hated to admit it, but often times her weakness made him feel capable and needed, even powerful.

Other days, his patience with his young bride ran thin and his frustration with her and her constant fear and anxiety drove him mad. On those days, he hated her. He felt like a bully but figured she needed it. Her mental instabilities brought out the very worst in him.

Carl never once saw his dad lay a hand on his mother but more than once, when Carl lost his cool with her, he felt like hitting her. He rationalized that it would just be knocking some sense into her. He had never done it, of course, but the fact that it had crossed his mind, disturbed him.

As Carl laid in bed with his arms around her, he hoped that today would be a good day. They had an enormous challenge in front of them and Carl prayed Holly could keep it together through it all. It wasn't just about her anymore. She was carrying what Carl valued most: his child. 

“Holly,” he whispered in her ear, “you need to wake up soon, babe.” Holly woke slowly, stirring slightly. Suddenly, she tensed up. Carl could read her mind by how her tiny frame felt in his arms. She wasn't ready for what was ahead. She was scared. She turned her body towards him and buried herself in his arms. The tears came soon after. 

“I don't think I can do this Carl. I don't think I can leave.”

“Yes, you can. You have to...we have to,” Carl said comforting her. “You can do it. I believe in you. Just get up and get dressed. One foot in front of the other.”

“What if we just stayed? Why are we doing this? Why can't we just stay?”

Carl let out a loud sigh as he got out of bed. “You know why, Holly. We've been talking about this and planning for weeks now. The decision's been made and we don't have time to talk about it anymore. Now c'mon.”

“But maybe we could just stay here...just the two of us. We don't have to go. Let's just stay!”

Carl threw the blankets off of her. “I'm not doing this with you today. You can cry and be scared if you want but you're going.”

“I can't!” she said adamantly, wiping her tears away. “I can't do it. I'm not going out there. I'll starve to death here in this building. Even if all of you leave and I'm here by myself, I'm staying!”

“Look, you are carrying my baby. That's my son or daughter inside you and I won't leave my child here.”

Holly turned her pained eyes towards him. She pulled her legs to her chest and rocked back and forth on the bed. “That's all you care about, isn't it? You couldn't care less what happens to me. You don't want me...you just want the baby.”

Each of her words hung heavily on Carl. He tried to mentally reject her accusation but he couldn't altogether. Part of what she was saying was the truth. The realization that he cared more about his child than her brought him raw feelings of guilt. The thought that the baby was the only reason for protecting her and that maybe he was just using her as some human portal for his offspring, made him feel sick. Still, he couldn't completely deny what she was saying.

No Carl thought shaking his head. He loved Holly. He would lay down his life for her in a second. He would do that even if there wasn't a baby in the picture. If his love for his unborn child was greater, it still didn't diminish the deep love he felt for her.

“How could you say that? That's not true,” he finally said walking towards her. “You know that I love you. You know that I care about the baby and you. Don't you dare say that I don't”

“It doesn't matter. I'm not going,” she said again, terrified but resolved to her position.

“Yes, you are!” Carl stated with equal resolve.

“No!” she yelled, burying her head into her legs and rocking herself back and forth more vigorously.

“Yes you are!” Carl shouted back in a rage with his fists balled up at his sides. “I'll drag you out there if I need to! I'll knock you unconscious and throw you over my shoulder, but you are going with us. Now stop wasting time!”

Holly reached to the nightstand and grabbed the cup of water she kept there. She wretched once then vomited into the cup. She tried to set the cup back on the nightstand but it dropped out of her shaking hands and crashed to the floor. Holly rolled off the side of the bed then collapsed to the floor. She pulled herself up, leaned against the bed and began hyperventilating. Carl ran to her side and crouched down on the floor next to her. She was having a panic attack – a bad one. 

“Holly are you okay?” he shouted. “Holly, breathe! Just breathe! Take deep breaths in through your nose and blow out through your mouth. C'mon babe!”

Holly continued to gasp and heave. Carl watched her chest rise and fall violently. Carl ran to his night table and grabbed his glass of water. “Here, drink this!” Holly made no attempt to take the glass. She just breathed heavily, staring ahead, her eyes drooping and glazed over. 

Carl ran out of their room and down the hall to Bob and Sasha's room. “Bob!” he yelled as he banged on the door. “Bob I need you!”

Bob quickly swung the door open and rubbed his eyes as he spoke. “What is it? What's going on?”

“It's Holly...she's having a panic attack and it's bad.”

Bob went back into his room and flipped on the light switch. He rummaged through a closet and pulled out an oxygen tank and mask. He pushed himself in front of Carl. “Is she in your room?”

“Yeah!”

Bob ran into their room and knelt down at Holly's side. He could see that that she was on the verge of passing out. He turned the oxygen tank on and fastened the line to the tank. He placed the mask around Holly's face.

“You're okay Holly,” Bob said said in a soothing and steadfast tone. “Just relax and let the oxygen do its job.” After a couple of minutes, Holly was breathing much steadier. The color was returning to her flesh and her chest rose and fell with ease. “Carl, stay with her and make sure the mask stays on. I'm going to go get my blood pressure cuff and stethoscope.” 

Bob left the room and Carl sat on the floor holding Holly in his arms. “Are you better?” She said nothing but nodded her head slightly. Carl kissed her forehead and stroked her arm. His pride was stopping him from apologizing but he gazed into her eyes and saw her anguish. He felt such empathy for her. Once again she had brought out the worst in Carl and once again he succumbed to his anger, with his threat to knock her unconscious. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said what I said.”

Holly turned her head away from Carl. She stared blankly at the wall, remaining mute. Unlike Carl, her silence wasn't from anger, pride or willfulness. She had nothing left to say. Whatever fight she had rallied up in herself over the last few days and weeks, was gone. She sat there paralyzed and practically catatonic, realizing she would have to leave her sanctuary and there was nothing she could do about it.

This wasn't how this day was supposed to start.

…..

Everyone was in position when Sasha, Abraham and Rosita put their packs over their shoulders. “Rick, we're ready,” Abraham announced.

“Okay then. I won't give you any pep talk – you all know what you're doing.” Rick extended his hand to Abraham. “Godspeed, brother and we'll see you on mile marker 40.”

Sasha was about to open the front door when she was stopped. “Wait,” Michonne said. “Before you go...I want us to do something.”

All eyes were on Michonne.

“What's the hold-up?” Sasha asked pulling her hands away from the door latch.

Michonne shifted and pulled her hands out of her pockets. “I want us to pray before you go – before we all go.”

“Are you serious?” Rosita asked impatiently as she rolled her eyes. “We don't have time for this.”

“Sure we do,” Abraham retorted as he turned to look at his girlfriend. “As far as I know, we need all the help we can get. And if the Big Guy is taking requests, far be it from me to not bother to even ask.”

“Yeah,” Carol spoke up, “praying is a great idea.” Morgan looked at her incredulously. He had thought that was a part of herself that she had put behind her. He took her hand in his and she returned a meager smile. 

“Fine,” Rosita conceded. “Let's do this then.”

Everyone gathered in the center of the room. They all guardedly extended their hands to each other, making an unbroken circle. Once again, everyone looked towards Michonne waiting for her to speak. She was just about to open her mouth when she heard Rick's voice. Her eyes shot up to him with a look of surprise.

“Lord, we're coming before you now and asking humbly for your hand of protection over us today. We've all come so far. We've made it to this day. You have kept each one of us in this circle safe more times than we can count. We're grateful. Now we ask that you would extend that mercy to us once again. Guide our steps today. Protect us, Lord, and bless us on this journey. We pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.”

“Amen!” everyone in the group echoed.

“Alright, now we really are going,” Abraham said. “See you when you get there...mile marker 40!” 

They all watched as the door closed quietly behind Abraham, Sasha and Rosita. 

Rick was still holding onto Michonne's hand. He looked over at her and studied her returning gaze. “I'm sorry. I know you were about to pray with everybody but something nudged me and my mouth just opened. Sorry.”

“Are you seriously apologizing to me for praying?”

“Yeah,” Rick chuckled, “I guess I am. Did I do okay? I've never prayed like that in front of a big group.”

“If it was from your heart, then you did it right,” she smiled back at him, still surprised.

“I've heard you do it enough times with Carl and the girls.”

“And you were listening.”

“No not listening. I was praying with you. You just didn't know.”

“You're full of surprises, aren't you?”

“I hope so.”

Michonne released his hand and rested her head on his chest. On this most perilous of days, warmth and peace filled her soul.“You're the best leader we could have ever hoped for.”

“I'm not sure about that.”

“No, you are. You're here. You're leading but still being led. Led by God.”

“Well I think maybe you're the real leader then.”

“How do you mean that?” Michonne asked.

“Well who do you think led me to God?”

“I love you, Rick Grimes,” she said placing her hand on his cheek and looking into his calm, blue eyes. “I'm going to feed the girls while we wait. We have a long day ahead of us.”

…..

The three comrades drove to the back of the elementary school a few blocks away from the library. They carefully studied the south entrance of the one-story school building. 

“I only spot three walkers on this side,” Sasha reported to the others.

“That's how many I see too,” Rosita echoed.

“Alright. That's one for each of us,” Abraham said. “Let's do this right quick before we draw more.” 

They exited from the truck and Abraham lifted the ladder from the bed. They ran swiftly and quietly towards the the three corpses. Before the walkers saw, heard or smelled them, Abraham, Sasha and Rosita had driven knives into their skulls. 

“There are more coming from the west side,” Rosita whispered. “We need to hurry and get up to the roof.”

Abraham returned his knife to his belt and picked the ladder up from the ground. He opened it and placed it by the side of the building. About a dozen walkers came within 15 feet of them.

“Ladies first,” Abraham said as he gestured with his hand to the ladder. Sasha climbed up first followed by Rosita. Abraham held the ladder in place as the dead neared. Sasha was on the roof and Rosita near the top of the ladder when Abraham began to climb up. 

“Sorry Ms. Espinoza, but I can't wait anymore...move fast because I'm right behind you!”

Rosita made it to the top then turned around to steady the ladder from above. “Abraham! Hurry!” she yelled down.

Abraham was half-way up when he felt more than one hand clawing at his leg and boot. He used his other leg to kick at the walkers below while still trying to pull himself up. The ladder shook than tilted. The walkers were tipping the ladder over before he could make it to the top. He finally broke free and threw his arms over the side of the roof just as the small horde brought the ladder down. He barely held onto the ledge with his hands when Rosita and Sasha grabbed onto his arms with all the strength they could muster. Abraham through his leg over the ledge as the two women manged to pull him up and over. The three collapsed onto their backs on the rooftop. 

They laid there momentarily as they tried to catch their breath and recover from the close-call.

“Thank you,” Abraham finally said. “I used to drink a cup of strong, black coffee when I needed an early morning pick-me-up but a brush with death has the same jolting effect. The walkie's gone, by the way. Fell out of my belt.”

“Our ladder is gone too,” Sasha said.

“That's my fault. I made the call to pull your ass up instead of the ladder,” Rosita said, smiling at Abraham.

“I appreciate that Darlin'. I hope it wasn't too tough of a choice,” he grinned back at her.

Sasha stood up and brushed the dirt from her clothes.“We'll just have to find a different way out now.”

“We should be able to just leave through the doors on the south entrance where the truck is parked. Hopefully there won't be too many more walkers on that side,” Abraham said as he stood then helped Rosita to her feet.

They ran across the roof and found the hatch that lead inside the building. Rosita pulled the crowbar out of Abraham's pack and handed it to him. With a few forceful pries, he busted the hatch door open. They climbed down into a large maintenance room. 

Sasha reached into her pocket and unfolded a piece of paper. Glenn had drawn a crude map of the school from memory with Liv's help. “The library is in the center of the building. We go out through these doors, turn right and then take another right down this hall,” Sasha instructed as she traced their route on the map with her finger. 

“Which way do we go after we set the fire?” Rosita asked.

“Back the way we came but we turn right down this hallway,” she pointed.

Abraham clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Alright then! Let's get this party started!”

They exited the maintenance room and quickly made their way down the hall. They pulled opened the library doors and ran inside.

“We should try and knock these bookshelves over,” Rosita suggested. “The books will light up better if they're loose.”

“Well if we knock one over, it'll probably have a domino effect,” Sasha said.

“We'll get to see if it works just like it does in the movies!” Abraham grinned. “Who says the end of the world doesn't have a few perks?”

The three leaned heavily into the large oak bookshelf. Abraham growled as it finally fell over. Sure enough, as it tipped it took down the shelf next to it. That fell into the next shelf and before long, eight bookshelves had crashed to the ground. 

“Hot damn!” Abraham yelled. “Just like in the movies!”

Sasha smiled over at him. “Alright, back to the real world. We have to be strategic about where we use the gasoline. We need the maximum effect from it.”

“We need for this entire building to go up in flames or all of this was for nothing,” Rosita said.

They removed several small bottles of gasoline from their packs and poured it onto the carpet, desks and tables. They threw more gas onto the curtains and walls. A small amount was poured onto the heap of books to start the fire. When they were finished distributing the gasoline, they lit match after match and threw them onto the gas-soaked areas.

They watched as the flames consumed the books. More books caught on fire nearby. Then the curtains. After a few more minutes, the bookshelves and desks started to catch on fire.

Sasha looked over at her friends. “We aren't being very kind to libraries today: setting one on fire and abandoning another.”

“Let's just hope all of this works and we make it out of this town safely,” Abraham said.

“We need to go,” Rosita yelled adamantly.

“Just give it another minute, Darlin'. We need to make sure this thing stays hot.” Abraham ran to another shelf nearby and took more books off, throwing them into the heap and feeding the growing flames. Sasha and Rosita followed suit and grabbed more papers and books to throw onto the blaze.

“Alright Abraham, that's enough! It's getting too hot for us to be in here. Let's go!” 

The three ran out of the library and back down the hall. 

“Wait!” Sasha called out as she propped the library door open. “We should open as many of these classroom doors too...it'll help the fire spread. As they ran down the hall, they opened the other doors.

They finally made their way down the hall that led to the south exit. As they sprinted down the corridor, they looked ahead in horror. Through the window they watched as a mob of walkers crowded themselves against the door.

 

“C U When U Get There”   
Performed by Coolio  
Written by   
Johann Pachelbel  
Artis Ivey Jr.  
Dominic Aldridge  
Henry Straughter  
Malieek Straughter

This song really inspired me this chapter. It's from my childhood and I love it. It might be before your time but give it a listen.


	10. Exodus

June 23, 2015: Exodous

Rick stood watch on the roof. He looked intently towards the elementary school, waiting to see the flames that were supposed to have erupted from the fire started by Sasha, Rosita and Abraham. Rick was disappointed that there was nothing to be seen yet. He looked at his watch. It was 3:49 AM. They had left exactly 43 minutes ago. Rick timed everything out in his mind. How long it would take for them to drive there and get inside. How long it would take for them to start the fire and for the flames to be visible. By his calculations, he assumed the fire would be going strong and the herd would be on there way to their distraction.

Of course he knew anything along the way of this mission could have tripped them up. He knew any unforeseen events could have set them back – even small ones.

Still he looked forward with cautious confidence. The team that went to start the fire was strong and capable. He pulled the walkie from his belt. “Abraham do you copy?” There was no response. “Abraham, it's Rick. Do you copy?” Still no answer. He continued to study the scene a few blocks away. He could barely see walkers gathered on the north side of the building. The threesome definitely wouldn't be coming out of the building on that side. 

“Is there a fire yet?” Rick heard Lee's voice coming through the walkie.

“Not yet,” Rick answered. “Is everyone in place down there?”

“Affirmative,” Lee responded. “Still no contact with the Abraham, Sasha and Rosita, though?”

Rick hesitated, “No but that doesn't mean anything. Just stay ready at the doors and they'll get it started.”

“Copy that.”

Rick spoke into the walkie again. “Abraham, Sasha, Rosita. Do you copy?” Static was the only sound coming from the walkie. Rick returned it to his belt and stared ahead towards the school again. An uneasy feeling was tying his stomach up in knots. Why weren't they responding? Why wasn't he seeing a fire? Of course those questions lead to other more disturbing questions. What if they didn't make it? What if they couldn't leave today...or ever? What if they completely ran out of water and were trapped inside by the herd?

“Stop it Rick,” he said out loud to himself. “They made it and you and your family are leaving today. Just keep your eyes ahead and watch for those flames.”

Rick looked in the direction opposite of the school. A continuous stream of walkers was coming from the east. Compounded by the ones already spread out around the nearby vicinity, there were thousands out there. What were the odds that even if the fire got started, they would all move towards it? There were only a few more hours of darkness. There were too many walkers on the other side of their walls. Rick shook his head as he second-guessed himself and the entire plan. This was a bad idea. They had worked for weeks to come up with this plan but in light of the current situation, he was quickly coming to the conclusion that they should go back to the drawing board. 

As Rick looked at the steady herd walking by, the thought of taking Judith and Eva outside the library doors petrified him. They were obviously unable to defend themselves and therefore completely vulnerable. From the beginning, Carl had been tough. He had adapted well to life among the dead and even people who were worse than the dead. Carl had become a competent wing-man to his father and had Rick's back every bit as much as Rick had his. Like Rick, Carl could and would do anything to survive and protect his family. But Judith, she blissfully danced around the library, playing dress up and singing her ABCs. She was delicate and sensitive. And Eva was even more vulnerable. As much as it pained Rick to even think it, he couldn't deny what a liability young children were.

Rick thought about Holly. Poor, weak Holly. Her unpredictability and mental instability were dangerous not only to her, but to the group as a whole. The phrase “You're only as strong as your weakest link” came to mind. He could see how much his son loved the girl. He would do anything for her. She had become Carl's weakness and Rick hoped that Holly, and now the baby, wouldn't cloud things that had always been so clear in his son's mind and put him in danger.

If Rick was being honest with himself, all loved ones were a liability.

Rick pulled the walkie back out of his belt. He pressed on the button on the side. He was about to tell everyone that they should abort the mission. The fire hadn't been started and the herd was way too big. As he opened his mouth, he saw them. Flames. Just a few flickers but they stood out brightly in the darkness of the night. He saw the dancing orange glow through a window. 

They made it. They made it and they got the fire started. Rick let out a sigh of relief. All the doubts muddling up his mind were immediately cast aside. He pressed the button again and spoke into the walkie. “I see a fire. It's not big enough yet but it's growing. As soon as I see the herd being drawn to it, I'll come down and we'll go.” Rick's heart raced in his chest as his confidence returned. “Today's the day we leave for our new home.”

…..

Everyone was gathered in the main room of the library. They were all ready with their packs on their backs and weapons in their hands. 

Holly sat on the sofa in the fetal position, petrified and shaking. Carl walked up behind her and gently placed his hands on her shoulders. She nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt his touch. He moved around to the front of the sofa and knelt in front of her. Carl held both her hands in his hand and brushed her hair behind her ear with the other.

“You don't have to do anything, Holly,” Carl said in a soothing tone. “I didn't tell anyone what happened this morning except for Michonne and Liv. Liv is going to watch the babies so you don't have to worry about them. The only thing you have to do today is walk from the building thirty feet to the car. Everyone will protect you. I'll protect you.” Carl lifted her chin up and looked deeply into her still blue eyes. “I love you Holly. I love you and I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Do you believe that?”

Holly stared back at him. She knew what he wanted to hear. “Yes,” she said without emotion. She didn't believe it though. She knew Carl wanted to protect her. She thought of how her parents wanted to protect her, but they were dead and had left her behind. Wanting to do something, even thinking you could, didn't always amount to what harsh realities allowed.

Holly was tired of being afraid but didn't know how to be anything else. She was sure if she walked out into that herd of walkers, she would die. She would be torn apart and be eaten alive. As she sat there, she visualized the dead coming at her and could almost feel their teeth sinking into her flesh. And even if they killed her, the nightmare wouldn't be over. She would become one of them. 

But she was tired of putting Carl through this. It was agonizing being so weak and having to depend on him and everyone else. She was tired of constantly being his burden to bear. But what could she do? It was as if her hands and feet were bound together with invisible rope but everyone still told her to run and fight. She felt sick to her stomach as she thought about how weak she was and worse, what she'd soon face on the other side of those doors.

Holly looked up at Carl and smiled meagerly. She wasn't going to put Carl through anymore of her emotional bullshit. Not today at least. He had enough on his shoulders without having to coddle her for the thousandth time. “I'll be fine,” she said. “I'm better now. I feel strong and I know can do this.”

Carl was surprised by the slightest bit of confidence she had just displayed but decided to just go with it. He certainly wasn't going to rock the boat with her right now. “That's my girl,” Carl said smiling back at her. He put his hand around her neck and kissed her on the lips before walking away. 

As soon as Carl was out of sight and earshot, Holly buried her face in her hands. She sobbed as silently as she could and rocked back and forth. She didn't have it in her to debate Carl right now. She wasn't fine. She was going to die.

…..

Michonne heard the door to the maintenance closet shut and Rick charging down the stairs. She handed Eva over to Liv and slung her sword over her back.

“It's time!” she yelled out to everyone. She looked at Carol,“We're going to do this. Everything is going to work out and we're going to make it out.” 

Carol smiled reservedly at her always optimistic friend, “Of course we are. Getting out of this place is going to be uneventful, maybe even boring.”

“Alright,” Rick said in a commanding tone, “the fire's going strong and most of the walkers have made their way towards it. There are still quite a few out there but we shouldn't wait any longer.” Rick fastened a blade to the prosthetic on his left hand and picked up his machete with his right hand. He walked towards the front doors with urgency. “Michonne, Glenn, Morgan, keep the walkers as far away from the cars as possible. Lee, I'm pulling you off your job of loading up the cars. I want you to help with the walkers. There's more of them out there than I had hoped. Carl, Carol, Maggie, Eugene, Clem, Bob, start loading as soon as you see that the cars are clear. Is everyone ready?” They all spoke or nodded in affirmation. “Good, let's go!”

Rick swung the door open quietly and walked out the doors. He carefully ran down the steps followed by Michonne, Glenn, Morgan and Lee. The walkers that hadn't made it to the fire, approached them hungrily. Rick charged forward unafraid, taking down two walkers at a time - one with his machete and one with the blade. Michonne moved her katana effortlessly exterminating three of the undead at once. Glenn, Morgan and Lee followed suit and quickly put down one corpse after another. The five of them had cleared the area immediately near the cars. They were in control and staying ahead of the stragglers in the herd.

“Lee,” Rick called out, “tell the others to start loading the cars up!”

Lee ran back up the steps to the library and Carol opened the door. “Everybody move! Start loading up the cars...water first, food next.”

Carl, Carol, Maggie, Bob, Eugene, and Clem immediately started carrying their supplies down the steps. They quickly and efficiently packed them into the RV, the Suburban and Carl's Plymouth GTX. Rick and Lee flanked each side of the staircase while Michonne, Glenn and Morgan surrounded the cars, keeping the walkers at a distance. After 4 or 5 trips back and forth between the library and the vehicles the cars were packed up with all their belongings. 

It was dark but Rick caught something out of the corner of his eye. An unexpected and rather large number of the undead were heading towards them from Dublin Street. They were being drawn by the fire and would be coming right in front of the library to get there. “Shit,” Rick said under his breath. “There's more headed our way!” he called out to everyone. 

“Dad, everything's packed into the cars,” Carl said to his father.

“Bring the kids out!” Rick shouted back as he stabbed another walker in the skull. “Hurry up...there's lots more walkers coming down Dublin!”

Carl ran back into the library. “It's time to go! Liv, bring Eva out and get her in the car. Maggie, get Hershel and Eugene, you get Judith. Holly, let's go! Hurry!” Everyone but Holly, did as they were instructed.

Judith ran hand and hand with Eugene from the doors of the library to the RV. Her eyes grew wide with terror as she saw the mob surrounding them. Silent tears fell from her eyes. She watched her mother and father as they slaughtered the monsters just mere feet in front of her. She'd never seen them kill. She'd only ever seen them feed her, read to her, cuddle with her and a number of other things she had always associated with their gentleness. Seeing her parents in this new light shook the poor girl's senses and the surreal feelings both captivated and frightened her. She froze as one of the dead bodies fell right at her feet. “Well that's one reanimated corpse that ain't gonna hurt you. You're doing perfect Little Miss Grimes. Be quiet and don't let go of my hand.”

“I want my mommy,” she cried in a whisper.

“I know you do but Uncle Eugene will have to do for the next few minutes,” he reassured the young girl. “Your mom and dad will be right behind us, promise.” Eugene lifted Judy into the RV and stepped inside right behind her. Eugene turned around and lifted Eva from Liv's arms. Liv climbed in next.

Maggie held Hershel securely in her arms as she sat in the back seat of the Suburban. Carol entered the driver's seat of the Suburban next. Bob climbed behind the wheel of the GTX after making sure Clementine was safely in the back seat.

As the others were filing into the cars, Carl ran to Holly, still crouched on the sofa. 

“Holly, c'mon! We have to go!” Holly said nothing and didn't budge.

“Holly, get up!” Carl shouted pulling on her arm. “It's clear outside and everyone's waiting for us...we're the last ones!” 

Holly finally allowed herself to be pulled up by Carl. They walked to the doors and onto the steps. As soon as Holly looked at the herd in front of her, she froze. Her feet planted themselves on the ground and she couldn't move.

“Holly, walk! We're almost there! C'mon babe just a few more steps!”

Holly's hand was trembling violently in Carl's hand and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Carl felt her pulling him to the ground as she collapsed. He looked down and saw that she had fainted. He immediately bent down to pick her limp body off the ground. He pulled her body into his arms and threw her over his shoulder. This is better, he thought. I knew she'd be easier to handle unconscious. Carl ran down the steps of the library, holding her tightly around her legs as she was slumped over his back. When he had almost reached the bottom of the steps, a walker lunged at him. Carl spun around and kicked the walker in the kneecap. The walker collapsed in front of him but Carl had lost his balance. He took a step backwards and fell down the last few steps and crashed to the ground. Holly and Carl both hit their heads on the cement. 

More of the dead were coming towards them. Winnie growled and snapped at them, trying her best to keep them away form Carl and Holly. Michonne looked over her shoulder and saw the two teens lying on the ground. Rick was much closer to them than she was.

“Rick!” Michonne yelled. “Help Carl and Holly...hurry!”

In an instant, Rick fought off and put down the two walkers in front of him before he spun on his heel and ran to Carl and Holly. He plunged his knife into the head of a walker that had just fallen on top of them but more were coming. Rick savagely swung his machete into one corpse after the other, not stopping to take a breath. When he dispatched all of the undead around them, he stooped over and picked Holly up in his arms. Eugene exited the RV and ran to Rick's side. “Give her to me and get Carl,” Eugene said calmly. He took Holly from Rick's arms and carried her inside the RV. 

“Carl!” Rick shouted at his son as he shook him. Carl's eyes opened slowly but he was still to dazed to get up and walk. Rick lifted his son into his arms and climbed inside the RV with a concerned Winnie at his heels. He laid Carl on the RV's sofa then promptly ran back outside. He quickly scanned the inside of each of the three vehicles to do a headcount. Rick let out a sigh of relief after he verified that everyone had made it out. “Get in the cars!” he ordered Michonne, Morgan, Glenn and Lee. “Everyone's in and we gotta get out of here!”

Michonne continued to furiously swing her sword through the corpses coming towards her until Rick ran to her and pulled her away. They both climbed inside the RV, slamming the door behind them. Eugene put the RV in gear and hit the gas. Glenn and Morgan climbed into the Suburban and Lee jumped into the passenger's side of the GTX. The tires screeched as the three vehicles simultaneously sped away from the Waycross Public Library. They drove away in the direction of the highway. As they sped away, not one of them looked back towards their home of the last three years.

…..

A/N So a lot of people on FanFiction.net didn't like Holly. I thought I'd tell my readers here, what I told my readers there. I get why some people might not like her. It would be better for Carl and everyone else if she could pull it together. Someone stronger would be better for Carl. She's weak and takes while everyone else gives. But here's the thing. Sometimes there's people in our real lives that are like that. There are people who have nothing to offer or even worse, they drain you, but you love them anyway. Not everyone, even in this Walking Dead world is going to be a bad-ass. I think it's more interesting to see how someone weak and ill-equipped would navigate this nightmare and how that would effect the others. 

Not only have I liked exploring her psyche, but I've also liked to see the effect she has on Carl. Her mental illness and weakness has brought out both the very best and very worst in our young hero and I've liked exploring that. I was saying before that even though her weakness frustrates Carl, it also makes him feel powerful and needed. 

On a personal note, I know what it's like to deal with mental issues. I've suffered from anxiety, OCD and occasional panic attacks too for the last 19 years. I struggled for a long time and because of that, my family struggled through it too. They've been patient and loving for the most part but other days, I've driven them mad. I've been getting a lot better over the last few years though.

Three years ago, I had a very traumatic experience. Both my dogs were killed by mountain lions. I found their bodies and it was absolutely horrible. The experience traumatized my daughter and me so badly that we didn't want to go outside for months. We would hurry from our front door to the car and be praying on that short little journey. Mental illness, even less serious cases, can be paralyzing.

Anyhow, I just wanted to give you some of my perspective outside of the story. One of the great perks of Fan Fiction is that writers and readers are able to communicate like this. I love that and I honestly LOVE the feedback from everyone...PLEASE keep it coming. Love and God bless y'all!!!


	11. In This World

June 23, 2015: In This World

In this world you will have suffering. But take heart!  
I have overcome the world. ~ Jesus

 

The mob of hungry walkers pressed their monstrous faces and hands against the glass on the doors. 

“These are the only doors we can go through,” Sasha stated. “All the other exits are blocked by the fire.”

“Between a raging fire and a mob of the undead – shit just got real,” Abraham shouted. He reached for the walkie in his belt before he remembered that it had fallen when he was climbing to the roof. “Without the walkie, we're on our own ladies”

“We could bust through one of windows in the classrooms!” Rosita exclaimed.

“Well it's going to have to be one of the ones on the east side of this hallway because the flames are blocking the other side.”

Without further discussion, the three ran back up the hall and took a right turn down the corridor. Sasha turned the knob of a classroom door.

“It's locked!” she yelled in exasperation.

“Outta the way,” Abraham said as he kicked the door several times. After the third kick, the door busted open. Abe, Sasha and Rosita quickly entered the dark classroom when they heard groans.

“There's walkers in here!” Rosita screamed. They ran back out as fast as they had run in with the crowd of corpses following at their heels. Rosita looked back to see the fire chasing down the walkers nearly as fast as the walkers were chasing them.

“One more classroom,” Sasha said bolting through the door at the end of the hall. The door swung open and they ran inside, closing and locking it behind them. They heard the walkers growling and clawing at the door from the hallway.

“Well this is it,” Abraham said looking out the window. “We have to leave through these windows or were going to be barbecued.”

“It looks clear,” Sasha said joining Abraham near the window. 

“Think again,” Rosita said, “the fire's drawing another group from near our truck.”

Abraham pressed his face against the glass,“It's hard to say how many are out there. Looks like at least fifty though.”

“It doesn't matter how many are out there. We have to go and soon,” Rosita said.

“Give it a minute, Darlin. The fire is going stronger on the west side of the school. If we wait just a bit, that's the side they'll go to.”

“Or more could come,” Rosita argued. 

“Well what's out there right now is too many. On top of that, they're too close to the truck,” Sasha said looking at a very nervous Rosita. “We're dead if we try to make it through that herd right now. May as well wait to see if it gets better.”

The three continued to look out the window to wait for the break in the herd they were hoping for. Sasha covered her face with her shirt as small puffs of smoke began to filter in through the bottom of the door. The banging, moaning and clawing from the walkers in the hall continued. The situation was as bad as they come but the valiant threesome stood tall. 

Abe began to whistle a vaguely familiar song. Sasha and Rosita looked at him with bewilderment.

“Are you whistling the SpongeBob theme song?” Sasha finally asked incredulously.

Abraham nodded and continued to whistle.“Y'all ever watch SpongeBob Squarepants?” Abraham bellowed cheerfully.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Rosita asked shaking her head and narrowing her eyes.

“I'm asking if you ever watched the show Sponge...”

“No, no I heard what you said, Big Guy,” she interrupted. “I'm wondering why you're whistling and talking about cartoons when the three of us are about to die.”

“Because it's a damn funny show!” Abraham chuckled as he continued to study the scene on the other side of the window.

“Yeah, I watched it a few times when I babysat my friend's little boy,” Sasha said with her lips turned up in a smile. “It is pretty funny. I'll admit it.”

“Becca and A.J. watched that show every single day after school like clockwork. I thought it looked pretty dumb myself until they forced me to watch it with them one day,” he said with a reminiscent grin. “You know what? I laughed my ass off. That dopey starfish was my favorite. I said to them that this was a dang funny show and that I liked it and you wanna know what they told me?” Abraham stared at his companions with a sober look. “They told me that their friend's moms wouldn't let them watch SpongeBob because it was too inappropriate. Can you believe that shit? Telling kids they can't watch a funny show like SpongeBob Squarepants because they act stupid and talk about butts? That's just bad parenting, in this man's opinion,” Abraham argued in all seriousness. “Too many people had sticks up their asses about the stupidest shit and now look at them. They worried about too many trans-fats and germs and SAT scores and look where it got 'em. Those helicopter moms are walking around rotting with their guts spilled out looking for their next human Happy Meal. It just don't make sense. You should let your kids watch stupid cartoons and eat cheeseburgers and let em' run outside barefoot 'cause life...life is just too damn short. My kids didn't have the fanciest clothes or go to the best schools but they knew I'd move mountains to make them laugh. They knew their daddy loved them.”

Rosita watched Abraham intently as he wiped a never-before-seen tear from his eye. She wrapped her hand around his. “What's got you thinkin' about your kids?”

Abraham let out a husky sigh. “Last few years, whenever I'm up to my neck in shit, I always think 'Is this the day I'll see 'em again?' Every time I would make it out of one of these tight spots I'd be happy as a clam to fight another day but...but another part of me - just a small part, mind you - wishes it was the day it would all be over. The day I get to go to the real Promised Land and meet my maker...the day I can see my kids again and bounce 'em on my knee.”

“It's not the day,” Rosita said stoically. “We're going to get out of here and we're going to haul ass to the truck. We're going to that island Glenn and Maggie are always going on and on about and it's going to be paradise and you...we, are gong to live to see another day. Got it?”

“Got it,” Abraham said smiling down at Rosita. “I know better than to argue with you, Ms. Espinoza.”

“Smart guy!” Rosita reached her hands up to the man towering in front of her. She put her hands on either side of his face and pulled his lips towards hers.

More and more smoke filled the room. “It's time,” Sasha said coughing. “The smoke's getting thick and we can't wait any longer.”

“We run and don't stop for nothin'. We're not takin' any walkers down, we're just runnin'. Don't look back and don't stop til we're in the truck,” Abraham stated as he quietly slid the window up.

The three of them swiftly climbed out of the window and lowered themselves to the ground. With weapons drawn, they began to run as fast as they could. They sprinted right by the herd pushing through several of them. Before the walkers could even notice them, they had already passed by. By the time the zombies reached out their rotting hands to grab them, the trio was ten feet in front of them. 

Abraham, Sasha and Rosita were just a few feet from their vehicle. Sasha ran around the truck, opened the driver's side and hopped in, slamming the door as she entered. She turned the key in the ignition and put it into gear. Abraham swung the passenger door open.

“Get in!” Abraham shouted to Rosita as she trailed behind him. “Hurry up...they're coming!”

Rosita ran as fast as she could to the pick-up. She didn't even see the cement parking curb in front of her. She tripped, falling hard and badly scraping up her face and arms on the asphalt. She could hear the walkers coming at her. She got up to her knees but one grabbed her leg. She rolled onto her back kicking them away. She frantically swung her machete at them, trying her best to defend herself.

Abraham ran from the truck back to her side and stabbed his knife into the dead flesh of the walkers around her. Rosita continued to swing her machete when she felt a hand grab her arm. Without hesitation, she swung the machete blindly behind her, cleanly slicing through the arm. She continued to fight off more walkers when she heard him roar out in pain. She looked back over to see her gruesome and ghastly mistake.

As the seconds passed by, everything around her moved slower. She looked at Abraham as he held onto his amputated arm. Blood gushed out of his wound as he cried out, drawing the walkers towards him. The dead around Rosita swarmed towards Abraham. He let go of what was left of his arm and resumed his task of fighting off the walkers with his other arm.

“Go!!” Abraham growled. “Get out of here now!!”

Sasha yelled from the truck, “Rosita get in! We have to go!”

“We can't leave him!” she screamed back.

“There's nothing we can do...now get in!”

The commotion continued to draw walkers towards the truck. Rosita and Sasha watched as Abraham collapsed to the ground, buried by the mob of hungry, ferocious corpses.

Rosita finally pulled herself up from the ground and made her way to the truck. She climbed inside and pulled her door shut as even more walkers approached. Sasha slammed her foot on the gas pedal and the two women sped away.

Rosita turned around in her seat and looked through the window behind her. The sun was rising in the sky as she stared back in disbelief. She could no longer see Abraham. All she cold see was the horde piling on top of each other, clawing for what was beneath. She turned back around, lowered her face and sobbed into her hands.

“We...we should go back!” Rosita cried.

“Are you crazy?” Sasha retorted. “There's no way we're going back...he's gone!”

“Because we left him!”

“He told us to go. He knew what he was doing and if we had tried to help him, we'd be dead too.”

“Is that what you would say if it were Bob?”

“Rosita, you're not thinking straight. You're letting your heart make decisions your head should be making.”

Rosita continued to weep as she looked out the window of the truck. “Did you see what happened?”

“I saw him go back to help you and I saw the walkers swarm him – that's it.”

“I cut his arm off! He grabbed me from behind to help me up and I thought...I thought he was a walker and I cut his arm off!” Rosita shrieked. “It's my fault! He tried to help me and I cut his arm off! He's dead and it's my fault! And then, we just left him! Oh God...”

“Hey, listen to me. You gotta stop this. We had to leave him. Abraham knew exactly what he was doing. He knew what could happen if we went on this mission – we all knew. He knew what could happen when he tried to help you. Abraham's always been the hero...he lives to be the hero and there's no other way he would have rather gone out than to help you. If we had gone back to help him, we'd be dead too and then his death would mean nothing! He gave his life up to save you – to save the group. He loved you.”

Sasha looked away from the road towards Rosita. Her friend was unmoved by her consolation. “Were you listening to what he was saying right before we left?” Rosita remained silent. “He said he wanted to see his kids again. He said sometimes he wished it was over.”

“Just shut up,” Rosita said, finally looking to her left. “We've all wished that it would be over. I don't need any of your feel-good bullshit about his kids or for you to tell me he's in a better place. I don't need you to make me feel okay about this. I'm not going to be okay with this. I got him killed. I told him we'd make it out of there and we'd be fine! But he's not fine! He's dead...because I...” Rosita began to weep again. “Just shut up and get us the hell out of here.”

…..

The RV, Suburban and GTX sat parked at mile marker 40 on highway 23. Most of the passengers had exited the vehicles and sat or stood nearby. Morgan and Carol kept watch from the top of the RV. Morgan looked through the binoculars back towards Waycross. He stared through the rims hoping to see the blue pick up truck emerge over the horizon.

Most of the group had made it to their first planned stop after leaving the library. Most meaning everyone but Abraham, Sasha and Rosita. It was 6:40 AM. The plan was to wait for the trio until six and then keep going towards Penland Island without them. Abe, Sasha and Rosita knew where to go. But they couldn't leave. Even though that was the plan, it didn't feel right to continue the journey without them. Besides, the group was safe and out of harms way for the time being. They were at the rendezvous point 10 miles north of Waycross and it was clear. They would wait for their friends.

Bob sat inside the RV at Holly's bedside. Carl had a throbbing headache from the fall but Holly was still unconscious. 

“Are you sure she's not just asleep?” Carl asked Bob.

“If she were asleep, she would wake up if we shook her or yelled,” Bob replied. “You said she fainted and then hit her head?”

“Yeah. She fainted when she saw the herd. I threw her over my shoulder and carried her down the steps. A walker grabbed me and I fell,” Carl stated with a guilty tone. “We both hit our heads.”

“Hey,” Bob looked the young man in the eyes, “you did your best. And your best was getting her out of their alive. Anyone could have fallen trying to carry someone down stairs with walkers around.”

“Do you think she'll be alright?” Carl inquired.

“Probably. Her breathing and pulse are good. She hasn't vomited and her eyes are equal and reactive so those are good signs that she doesn't have a concussion. I think it's just a combination of fainting, exhaustion, the pregnancy and then hitting her head that has her off in dreamland. The baby's heartbeat is strong too. Just stay with her and keep her legs elevated and the windows open. Keep trying to wake her up every five or ten minutes and I think she'll be okay.”

Carl raised his eyes to Bob. The gratitude in his eyes was unmistakable.“Thanks Bob...for everything.”

“You bet kid,” he said grinning back modestly. “You be sure and tell me if your headache gets any worse too. Or if you throw up or get tired or dizzy real sudden. You could still have a concussion.”

“I will,” Carl replied.

As soon as Bob left, Carl pulled his legs up to the mattress and nestled his body up to Holly. The camper was hot and stuffy and beads of sweat dripped from her hairline. He looked over to the small nightstand next to him and found a copy of Lady's Home Journal from 2008 sitting there. On the cover, a smiling Dr. Phil and his toothy, brown-haired wife were staring back at him from their large Texas ranch. Carl recalled afternoons when his mom would watch Dr. Phil while folding laundry or doing the dishes years ago. 

Carl wondered if Dr. Phil was still alive in this unforgiving apocalypse. Had he and his dainty, Southern belle of a wife managed to survive, or were they just two more of the walking dead they were running from. Living in Texas and that good-ole-boy Southern drawl would indicate that Dr. Phil probably had a large arsenal of guns and would be well prepared for times such as these. What would the noted psychiatrist have to say about the state of Holly's mental stability? Would Dr. Phil tell her to pull it together like Carl had been telling her? The absurd notions made Carl smile ironically. He shook the frivolous thoughts from his mind and swung the magazine back and forth above Holly's face attempting to cool her off. He placed a gentle kiss on her cheek and laid his head on the pillow next to hers.

…..

Michonne held Eva on her hip as she leaned against the RV. Judith hadn't left her mother's side since they left the library. She held onto Michonne's shirt as she nervously sucked her thumb, something Michonne hadn't seen her do in over a year.

“What do you think about all this?” Michonne asked Judy.

“About what?” Judith asked in confusion as she removed her thumb from her mouth.

“What do you think about being outside, Pumpkin? This is the first time since you were one that you've been away from the library.” 

“I don't like it. It's scary.”

“Why is it scary?”

“It's not like home. It's different and I've never seen all the stuff around here. Are there monsters here too,” she asked, stuffing her thumb back in her mouth as she waited for Michonne to answer.

“There's no monsters right here. But even if there were, they can't get you. Know why?” Judith shook her head. “Because Mama and Daddy won't let them get you. Never ever.”

“I saw you and Daddy killing the monsters at home.”

“What were you thinking when you saw that?”

“I was scared. I was thinking I didn't want them to you and Daddy. I didn't want them to get me or Eva or anyone. I was so scared but I was quiet. Eugene said I did a good job.”

“He was right. You did do a good job. We told you to listen and be brave and quiet and you did your job. And Mama and Daddy did their job too: we kept you safe and that's what we'll always do. You just stay close to us, and you'll be fine. You don't have to be scared. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Now get that thumb outta your mouth and give me a smooch.”

Judy stretched her body out to give her a mother a kiss. Michonne bent down to meet her half way.

“Hey, I want one of those too!” Rick said as he swooped her up into his arms. Judith planted a kiss on his cheek, then leaned her head onto his shoulder. 

With Judith in his arms, Rick leaned against the RV next to his wife. He turned his head and kissed her on the lips. It was the first chance they had today to breathe and talk for a moment.

“How you doin'?” she asked.

“I'm okay,” he said nodding. “And you know what? Okay is pretty good these days.”

“How are Holly and Carl?”

“Carl's fine – just a headache. Holly's still out cold but Bob thinks she'll be fine too.” Rick sighed. “We made it out. The kids are okay. Just waiting for Sasha, Abe and Rosita to show and then we can keep moving.”

“They'll be here. We made the right call to wait for them and I'm sure it won't be long,” Michonne said as she moved Eva from one hip to the other.

Another fifteen minutes went by before Morgan called down to the others from the roof of the RV. “I see them! The truck is just a half a mile out from here.”

The group let out a collective sigh of relief upon hearing Morgan's good news. Carl came out of the RV and everyone gathered together to welcome their friends back. 

The relief and rejoicing were short lived as the truck came to a stop in front of the group. All eyes were on the cab as only two of their comrades exited the vehicle. Bob ran to Sasha's side wrapping his arms around her and lifting her from the ground. She leaned her head into his chest as she held on to him tightly.

“Where's Abraham?” Glenn asked desperately.

“Where do you think?” Rosita snapped.

“Is...is he dead?” Glenn asked, feeling they all needed the confirmation.

Sasha released her hold on Bob and went back to Rosita's side. She nodded her head with tars in her eyes.“Yeah. He's dead.”

Eugene also approached Rosita and put his arm around her as he cried earnestly.

Rosita pulled away from Eugene and walked directly up to Michonne staring at her venomously.

Michonne looked back at her friend with gentle compassion but also with confusion. Why was Rosita directing her attention towards her? “Rosita, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine...”

“You!” Rosita spewed out.

“What?” Michonne replied, growing even more perplexed. Before she could ask again what was going on, Rosita raised her hand and squarely met Michonne's cheek with a powerful slap. Michonne held her stinging face as Eva began to cry in her arms.

The loud slap drew everyone's eyes to the two women as they stared each other down.

“What the hell is your problem?” Carl shouted as he put himself between Michonne and Rosita. “Don't you ever lay a hand on my mother or anyone else in my family! Understand?”

Michonne gently nudged her hot-headed son away. “Carl, it's okay. Please take Eva and Judy inside and get them some water.” 

“I don't know what this is about,” Carl replied, “but it's not okay!” He took Eva from Michonne's arms and opened his hand to Judith and went inside the RV.

Michonne turned her attention back to Rosita. “Do you want to tell me what that was for?”

Rosita shot daggers at Michonne's eyes, “You! You acted like saying a prayer was going to make everything okay! We all gather 'round and hold hands and beg your God to wave His magic wand and everything will turn out just perfect, right? Well tell me what happened then!”

Michonne held Rosita's stare with her own but remained silent.

“Don't you have anything to say?” Rosita chided. “Tell me, where was your God when Abraham was being torn apart? Where was He when it happened to Noah and Daryl? Where has He been for the last six years, Michonne? On vacation? Busy with an apocalypse on some other planet? Where?” Rosita yelled inches from her face. “What, you don't have an answer? Where was He when your little boy was killed?”

“Alright that's enough,” Rick said looking in Rosita's direction. “I'm not going to have you talkin' to her like this. I know you're upset but...”

“You don't know shit,” Rosita said coldly to Rick. She finally backed away from Michonne as she adjusted her hat on her head. “Anyhow, all of us are here - I mean all of us except for Abraham, of course - so let's get in the cars and drive to our perfect little island retreat.”

Everyone's focus was on Rosita and not a move was made. 

“What?” Rosita said, casting an icy glare at the group. “Did you all want to have another prayer circle before we left?” She walked back towards the pick-up truck, got inside and slammed the door behind her.

Rick looked at Michonne trying to gauge where her head was. He laced his fingers through hers as she stood there motionless. He raised his voice to the group. “Let's get out of here. We still have a long day ahead of us.”

…..

A/N: The scripture was John 16:33 and is from the NIV.

Can you tell by the SpongeBob and Dr. Phil references that I'm home with my kids a lot? BTW, SpongeBob Squarepants is a dang funny show...at least the first 3 seasons or so. LOL

This chapter felt like a bit of a departure from me. Reading it back seemed strange but in a good way. I think it felt so different because were outside of those library walls. Of course it broke my heart to say goodbye to Abraham too. What a guy! I miss him on the show and I'll miss him here. Please leave me a comment and let me know what you're thinking about all this. And thanks for all your feedback so far! Love and peace y'all!


	12. Whatever Makes You Feel Better

June 23, 2015: Whatever Makes You Feel Better

Carl sat at the table in the RV playing Uno with Judith as Rick continued driving north on Highway 23. Michonne, Liv, Holly and Eva were in the RV as well.

“Carl, it's your turn again!” Judith said impatiently.

Carl looked at his cards then laid them flat on the table. “Judy, I don't want to play anymore right now. Go read a book or color or something.”

“But Carl, we didn't even finish the game,” she moaned.

“Judy, I'm not in the mood for a game right now. Okay.”

“Mama, tell Carl to finish the game!”

Michonne didn't answer or even turn to look back at her little girl. Rick turned his neck from the driver's seat and eyed Judith sternly. “Judith Grimes, you better listen to your brother young lady. If he doesn't want to play, you go and play by yourself. And don't whine.”

“Fine,” Judith replied pouting as she slammed her cards on the table too, “I would have beat you anyway.”

Carl walked to the front of the RV and sat behind Michonne and Rick. 

“Why didn't you say anything to Rosita?” Carl blurted out.

Michonne finally turned her head and studied Carl's questioning face. She looked away and sighed, taking her time to give him an answer.

“There's not one thing I could have said that would have made her feel better about what happened.”

“It wasn't about making her feel better. It was about defending yourself.” Carl asked thrown off by her response. “She hit you and then she insulted you – insulted your beliefs! And then...then she had the nerve to bring Andre into it. She crossed the line doing that!” Carl directed his attention towards his father next. “And you! You didn't really do anything either!”

“Your mom can hold her own against Rosita. She didn't need help from me. If I thought she couldn't handle herself, I would have been first in line to come to her defense.” Michonne looked at Rick giving him a tenuous smile. While many women would have wanted, or even expected their mates to rush over and referee or defend them, she appreciated that Rick knew she wasn't one of them. He knew her capabilities and let her fight her own battles.

“How did you know she was talking about Andre? I thought you took the girls inside,” Michonne asked.

“I did. But then I listened from the window.” Michonne rolled her eyes and shook her head. “She shouldn't have talked to you that way and I'm pissed that she did.”

“No, she shouldn't have talked to me that way. But you know what? I'm a big girl and I have big shoulders. I can take it,” Michonne replied. “She just lost Abraham. She was angry and heartbroken and confused and she took it out on me. She used my faith as an excuse to take her anger out on someone. It's not the first time I've been yelled at or been treated unfairly and I'm sure it won't be the last time.” Michonne turned around in her seat, completely facing Carl. “Tell me something. If I had gotten angry and defensive with her or hit her back, how would that have made anything better?”

“It would have let her know that you're not going to be treated that way! She would have known that she can't act that way and she definitely can't hit you!”

“It wasn't the time or place for me to make that stand, Carl. It wasn't the time for me to preach her a sermon. Rosita knows me. She knows I'm strong and nobody's punching bag. I didn't need to prove that to her or anyone else. And I'm not going to defend my faith to anyone who's in attack mode. They won't hear it. She's family. I'm okay to forgive her and just show her a little mercy. She was hurting badly and I wasn't going to be the one to inflict more pain on her. Sometimes it takes more strength to stay silent and to be peaceful than to fight back and yell. Rosita's no threat to me. She just made a mistake and it's easier on me to just forgive the mistake. Life is too short and too hard for me to be holding a grudge. And I'm a grown-ass woman that doesn't get into cat-fights.”

“I understand everything you're saying but I just can't have anyone treating my family like that.” 

Michonne placed her hand on Carl's cheek and gave him a tender look. “I know. And you have no idea what it means to have your love and loyalty the way I do. It goes both ways and I'd be as mad as you are if she had done that to you. You haven't seen me as the mother bear before. But you don't have to worry about me, Carl. It's like your dad said, I can handle myself. And you know what? Only that first one was free. I guarantee you that Rosita knows better than to ever try something like that again. She's probably already beating herself up about it.” Michonne turned her attention ahead once again, focusing her eyes on the double yellow lines in front of them. “Besides, I'm a lot more upset about Abraham than Rosita.” 

Carl's head dropped at the sound of Abraham's name. He was gone and all Carl could focus on was Rosita's bad behavior. Perhaps Carl's attention drifted towards problems that he felt he had some control over rather than the death of a beloved member of their group. Abraham was gone and he couldn't do anything about that.

“It was stupid of us to think we were going to get through this move without losing someone.”

“It wasn't stupid,” Rick stated. “We've gotten through a lot over the last few years.”

“And we've lost a lot too,” Carl argued.

“Life is loss. It always has been. It's a bit more in our faces now but nothin's changed,” Rick said poignantly. “Loss always hurts but it builds something in you too. Loss isn't even about what or who you're losing – it's about where the loss leaves us...how we deal with it. We can choose to let it make us better, or choose to let it stop us in our tracks, maybe even go backwards. Having hope and making the best of a situation, those are good things. Don't ever forget that.”

“It's a little soon for the feel-good speeches, Dad,” Carl replied. “We sent Abraham out and he's dead because of it.”

Liv carried Eva up to the front of the RV. “I think she's hungry.” She handed Eva to her mother and Michonne reached out to the fidgeting toddler.

“You hungry, Cupcake?” Michonne asked in a sweet tone as she cradled Eva in her arms and began to nurse. Rick looked over at his wife and baby and memories of Daryl Dixon drifted to the forefront of his thoughts.

“You know your mom and Eva wouldn't be here if Daryl hadn't sacrificed himself for them a few years back. They would have been two more people we would have mourned over losing. He gave himself up and that's why they're here. That's what Abraham did today. He gave his life for ours. It's what's required of men of integrity now. My grandpa told me about his time in Italy during World War Two. He was a young man, afraid to be away from home and family but he had to go. He didn't have a choice so he went. He told me about the friends he made in his unit. They were young and away from family too. They were scared like my grandpa. He became close to these men in his unit – like brothers. They were together 24 hours a day. Ate together, slept in the same trenches, talked, laughed, cried together. Anyhow, their unit was in the front lines of battle with my grandpa. They knew the odds of them getting back home to their families were slim. They knew the danger and just didn't have a choice but to go at it, head first. They were scared but wouldn't let that stop them from going to battle against the Nazi soldiers. They marched forward because it was what was required of them. My grandpa got shot at the very beginning of the Battle of Monte Cassino. He took a bullet in the chest. He would have died if his men hadn't gotten him off the battlefield. Three of his friends from his unit carried my grandpa to safety. They risked their lives for him. Those three men who carried him to safety, they all died that day protecting him. All of them gave their lives for his. If they hadn't saved him, his life would have ended on that battlefield in Italy and life would have been very different. If they hadn't saved him, you, me, Judy, Liv, Eva, none of us would be here right now. What those friends did for your great-grandfather is no different than what Abraham did for us today. It's what Daryl did for Michonne, Carol and Morgan. It's what your mom did for Judith.” Rick turned back to look at his son. “It's what I would do for you, Carl, or anyone else in this group. It's what's required of men of integrity.”

Michonne placed her hand on Carl's shoulder and looked at him deliberately, “There's no doubt in my mind, that you're the kind of man your dad is talking about. You have been for a long time now. You would do exactly what Abraham did for us today.”

“I'm not sure that's who I am,” Carl said bluntly.

Michonne tilted her head and squinted her eyes.“Really? What makes you unsure?” Michonne questioned the teenager.

Carl sat there quietly, unanxious to answer.

Michonne eyed him curiously, studying his silence. She tried to read him but it was never as easy as reading Rick. Carl had the ability to surprise her in the most remarkable ways. The manner in which the gears in his head turned and the unconventionality in his perspective always fascinated her. In many ways he was similar to his father but in other ways, he was a stark contrast. The father and son she had forged these deep relationships with had paths and ideas that often diverged.

“Well are you going to answer?” Michonne prodded.

Carl looked up at his mother and spoke intentionally. “I'm not scared of dying. I'm not a coward and I'd be on the front line of any battle.”

“Well than what is it?” Michonne asked again.

“I think I'm just...,” Carl paused reluctantly, “I'm just too selfish.”

“Too selfish!” Michonne repeated back to him with surprise. “Would you care to explain?”

“Don't get me wrong. I would do anything for Judy and Eva and everyone else in this RV at the moment, but...I want to be here. I need to be here. I need to survive this world. If I sacrificed my life, then who would take care of my baby. Who would take care of my family. I have to be here for them and I wouldn't go on some suicide mission for the group and risk leaving them behind. All these decisions we make, have to be calculated and I'm not sure I would risk my life for anyone outside of this family.”

Rick glanced over at Michonne knitting his brow. Carl's answer was upsetting and unexpected. His answer reminded Rick of a demon from his past. It was something Shane would have said. Shane's unyielding and obsessive loyalty to a few chosen members of the group sabotaged his loyalty to the rest of the group, even his best friend. Shane's self-serving and egomaniacal thought process drove him to murder, then lead to his own disgraceful demise.

“I still don't think that's who you are,” Rick said, though he wasn't sure he believed it. 

“Well think whatever makes you feel better,” Carl answered coldly. 

“You're still young Carl. You may think one way, one day and then...then you change. Your outlook on life grows and evolves.”

“Do you think my outlook on life is going to get softer? You think I'm going to have less loyalty towards my family as I get older and things get uglier and harsher? Is that what's happened with you, Dad?”

Rick didn't answer and Carl continued. “I remember where you started out. You bent over backwards for everyone, trying to make them happy. When we were at Hershel's farm you were helping him lead walkers to the barn because he thought they could be saved. And then at the prison you let that guy go and Mom died because of it. You wouldn't have done either one of those things now. You haven't gotten softer, Dad, and I don't plan on getting soft either. If you get to keep living in this shitty world, then it only makes you harder.” Carl stood up and looked at his parents. “I'm sorry if saying all this disappoints you. I'm sorry if I'm not who you thought I was or if what I'm saying makes me sound like some kind of monster. But I'm not going to pretend. Don't ever wonder where my loyalties lie. I'm going to check on Holly.”

…..

The caravan had traveled all day and into the evening hours. They had almost made it to Lake Chatuge and the North Carolina border but had fallen short by about 20 miles when Rick decided to call it a day. They had been on the road for nearly 12 hours. The bulk of the 320 mile journey had been relatively smooth and they hadn't come across anything that they hadn't already planned for.

They ran into a traffic jam half way through the trip. It took several hours to clear the road but in the process of clearing it, they found plenty of gasoline from nearby vehicles. While half the group moved the broken down cars, the other half siphoned enough gas to sustain them for the second half of the trip.

As they neared the outskirts of Atlanta, several unsettling and massive herds appeared in the expanse ahead of them. They took a detour to avoid them which set them back another few hours. It was worth it to keep a safe distance between them and the enormous mobs of walkers.

It was 7 PM and the sunlight was growing dimmer. The summer solstice was two days ago and the days were long and hot. Rick pulled the RV into a parking lot adjacent to a small public park. The other three vehicles pulled in behind him. The weary travelers exited the vehicles and huddled together. Liv and Clem stayed with Holly, Judith and Eva inside the RV.

“What are we doing here?” Glenn asked their leader.

“We're gonna camp here for the night.”

“Here at the park?” Sasha asked with concern.

“We're vulnerable here,” Carol said. “We don't have good sight lines with all these trees.”

“I know,” Rick answered calmly, “but I want to stay hidden for now. We don't know this area. We don't know who or what's nearby. It's too late to try to and make it all the way to the island.”

“Well then why don't we try and find a house or a building?” Glenn asked.

Michonne walked to Rick's side, “Rick and I talked about it. We should stay with the vehicles in case we need to get out of here quickly for any reason.” 

“It'll be dark soon and I think we should just lay low tonight.” Rick added. “Does anyone have a problem with that plan?”

“I don't,” Morgan said. “What you're saying makes good sense. Carol and I will take the first watch right now while you all get settled in and make camp.”

“I appreciate that,” Rick patted Morgan on the shoulder before he addressed the others. “We have to keep lights and noise to the bare minimum tonight. We have no idea what's around us and we don't want to draw any attention. We'll sleep in the cars and RV. I want each car to have someone behind the wheel – keys in the ignition and at the ready. If there's trouble, tap your horn twice.

“I know we've all had a long day. I know getting here hasn't been easy and I wouldn't expect tomorrow or the next few days to be much easier either. We're almost there though. We can see the finish line from where we're standing. I'm proud of this group. I'm proud of what we've done and I'm confident we have it in us to push through these next few days and weeks. If finding our new home and making this new life for ourselves is as good as we've been hoping it would be, then whatever we've gone through and whatever's ahead will be worth it.”

 

…..

It was 10:30 as Carol and Morgan stood side by side on top of the RV looking into the night sky. As they finished out the last half hour of their watch Carol yawned and leaned her head on Morgan's shoulder.

“Almost done with our watch, then I can put you to bed,” Morgan said as he slid his hand around her waist and pulled her into his side.

“That's probably the best part of my day,” Carol replied.

“How's that?”

“Going to bed means I made it through another day. I get to lie down next to you and have uninterrupted rest. No worries just peace.”

“You think you'll sleep peacefully tonight? Our first night outside the shelter of our old home?”

“I don't know. Maybe I'm just saying whatever makes me feel better.” Carol looked out into the distance silently. Morgan could sense her sadness as he held her close to his side. She felt different in his arms.

“Carol? What's wrong?”

Carol sighed. “Sometimes it's annoying how well you've gotten at reading me. I can't be upset or sad without you knowing about it.”

Morgan chuckled. “Sorry. It's part of the package when you grow close to another person. When you're down, I feel it right away. Now tell me, what's on your mind?”

“Did you know that Abraham, without fail, was the only one out of everybody in our entire group that never forgot to thank me for a meal? I mean, everyone else would say thank you when they remembered or thought of it. But Abraham, he always remembered. He would say, 'Thank you kindly ma'am,' or 'I sure do appreciate this fine meal you prepared, Ms. Carol.' Every time. They say people aren't remembered for how they act or what they do. They're remembered for how they make you feel. Abraham made me feel appreciated. Like I was doing something for him that made every one of his days a little better. He had a big personality and he's gong to leave a big void in this group. I miss him already.” Morgan took his eyes off of his the primeter for a moment to see the tears falling down Carol's cheeks. He moved his staff from his right hand to his left and pulled a bandanna out of his back pocket. He gently blotted the tears from her face.

Carol leaned her head on his chest as more tears fell. “What would I do if it was you that hadn't made it back? Who would I have? Rosita has all of us but really, she's alone for the first time in all this. My heart is breaking for her because I know how I would be doing if I lost you.”

“You'd be okay,” Morgan said trying to console her. “Rosita will be okay. You're strong and if something happened to me, you would keep going. You know that's what I'd want. You'd be okay, Darlin.”

“No Morgan. If I lost you, I wouldn't be okay. I'd be right back up on that ledge. If you leave me, I don't want to stay here. I don't want to live another day of my life without you. I don't think I even could.”

“You're stronger than what you're makin' yourself out to be, Carol.”

“I am strong when I have to be. And who the hell says I have to be. If knowing the truth about myself makes me weak, than I can make peace with that. What I can't make peace with is the thought of forcing myself to go on living without one more person I love. I won't do it. I'm sorry if saying that is letting you down. I'm sorry if I'm not as strong as you think I am. I told you when this relationship started, that I was a mess and you said you'd love me anyway. Well here I am. The ugly truth and the mess in plain view.”

Morgan wrapped his arms around her, soothing her with his embrace. Carol's confession, the weaknesses she was admitting to, couldn't diminish his love for her. How could it? Her authenticity, vulnerability and desperate need for him in her life, only made him cherish her more.

“There's nothing you could tell me that could make me love you less. I know you worry about losing me. I know you think it would break you. Maybe it would and and maybe it wouldn't. I'm here though, Carol. Right now, I'm here. And I'm planning on being here with you for a long, long time.”

Morgan was in no hurry to release Carol from his grasp and neither was Carol. For the next few minutes, they stood quietly together keeping watch over each other's shoulders. Carol finally broke the silence. “Our watch is almost over.”

“Sasha and Glenn should be coming to relieve us soon. We can get some sleep.”

Suddenly Carol pulled away. “Morgan, I just saw something?”

“Where?”

Carol pointed her finger in the direction of what caught her eye. “Lights. I saw lights flashing on the other side of those houses.”

After a moment, Morgan saw the lights too.

Just then, Glenn and Sasha climbed quietly to the top of the RV.

Morgan walked up to the two friends, there to relieve them from their duties. “I know it's been a long day,” Morgan said putting his hand on Glenn's shoulder, “but it's gonna be a long night too.”


	13. The Search

Hope you enjoy this third flash forward!!!

February 5, 2041: The Search

Maggie opened her eyes but it was still dark. She could see nothing, not even her hand in front of her face. She had a terrible headache from a wound at the base of her skull but knew right away that was the least of her problems. She moved her hand to the back of her head where most of the pain was coming from. Her hair was matted and sticky with blood. 

The concrete she was lying on was cold, damp and hard. She pushed herself up with her arms then stood up slowly. Placing her hands out in front of her, she felt her way through her surroundings. She dragged her feet, afraid of tripping, and walked the perimeter of whatever room she was in. The walls were plywood. She surmised that she was in a storage shed on a concrete slab. It couldn't be more than 8 foot squared. She found the doorknob. Of course it was locked.

Maggie's eyes finally began to adjust to the darkness and she could see a small sliver of light coming from underneath the door. 

She wondered how long she had been here. Had she been here for a few hours or a few days? Where was she? She knew for a fact that she wasn't on Penland Island. She had lived on the small island for 25 years and knew every inch of it's terrain. There were no sheds like this one anywhere. She had been taken off the island on a boat but she had no idea where.

Maggie was going for her morning walk with Sugar. She was on the northern-most side of the island and heading back home when she saw him. It was Peter. 

Peter was a newcomer to Penland Island. He had been there less than three weeks. A party of six men and women had gone to Jackrabbit Mountain, an area near Penland but still on the lake. There they would spend the day hunting and foraging. They found Peter by himself at one of the campgrounds there. Peter told them that he thought he was 19 but didn't know for sure. It was obvious the young man had some sort of learning disability, perhaps even a mental disability. He said that he got separated from his family and had been on his own for a few days. Cassidy, one of the mothers in that group, insisted that they bring him back to the island and that he stay with her and her teenage son.

“Peter, what are you doing out here by yourself?” Maggie called out to him while she tugged on Sugar's leash. “Cassie said she doesn't like you to wander around the island all alone.”

“She's not my boss!” Peter yelled back adamantly. “I can go wherever I want.”

“Alright. Well why don't you walk me back home. I'll let you hold Sugar's leash,” Maggie said trying to redirect him.

“Okay,” Peter said walking slowly towards Maggie. “Maggie, you're so nice. I like you so much. Can you be my mom and let me live with you?”

Maggie chuckled at the request, “Why Peter? Cassie is taking good care of you.”

“She's not nice. She makes me eat vegetables and doesn't have a TV at her house like you.”

“Well you can visit me at my house and I'll let you watch videos but I think you should stay with Cassie. Besides, I would make you eat vegetables too.”

“Can I show you something before we go back?”

“What do you want to show me?”

“I can't tell you. It's a surprise.”

“Well I'm getting to be an old lady, Peter. I don't really like surprises. Besides, I'll be late for church if I don't hurry and get back. Let's go back to my house and I'll make you some breakfast. You can go to church with me and Glenn and then later you can show both of us the surprise.”

“No.”

“Peter, you know that if you stay with us on the island you have to listen to all the grown-ups and do what we say.”

“Fine!” he yelled back, now stomping towards her. “It was a big surprise but now you'll never know it!”

“Are you sure you don't want to just tell me?”

“Since you won't come and look, I guess I'll tell you. But it won't be as good.” Peter leaned in closer to Maggie and cupped her ear with his hands. “Remember I said my family was gone and that I couldn't find them?”

Maggie took a few steps backwards and eyed the young man suspiciously. “Yeah, I remember.”

“Well that was just a game. They were tricking me. They are here. They came back for me and they are hiding. They're going to stay here too. Do you want to meet them?”

“I have to go, Peter,” Maggie said as casually as possible, trying to conceal her uneasiness. “I'm going to be late for church and Glenn will worry about me.”

“No Maggie. You should meet them! They will like you!”

“I'll see you later,” Maggie said turning away and beginning to run. Before she made it more than 10 feet, two men ran out in front of her. Sugar barked emphatically at the strangers in front of her. As they moved closer, she began to growl.

“Pull that dog back,” a man who looked to be in his late thirties commanded Maggie.

“I don't know who you are but it would be in your best interest to let me pass and go on my way,” Maggie said calmly.

“You know who we are. Peter just told ya who we are. We're his family. We been lookin' for him for weeks and we're mighty pleased with the home he's found.”

“Well you should know that we've been taking care of Peter...been feeding him, protecting him.”

“Thanks for doin' that. Really appreciate it,” the man said as he held Maggie in his menacing stare.

“Well I really do need to be goin'” Maggie said as she started walking away quickly and nervously.

“Why? So you can tell all your friends that there's strangers on the island? Then what? They come and hunt us down and kill us? Kill my boys?”

“Kill you? Why would we do that?”

“I know what kind of people you are. I know what you did to take this island. You probably don't remember me but I sure's hell remember you. Your pretty little face is as clear to me as when I saw it some 25 years ago. You still with that Chink, or is he dead?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Maggie said as she continued to try to walk away.

“Don't bother tryin' to feed me no bullshit. You do know what I'm talkin' about.”

“I'm telling you right now, let me go! My friends will kill you if you do anything besides that. Unless you leave this island right now, you're dead already. Now just go.”

“I think we'll take our chances,” the man said as he moved in closer to Maggie. 

Sugar continued to growl as the man approached. The man pulled out his knife and swung it out in front of himself wildly. 

“I said for you to pull that dog back!” Maggie made no effort to keep Sugar from the stranger.

“Fine, then come over here, ya little bitch!” he said as the knife slashed across Sugar's chest. The dog yelped in pain then sunk her teeth into the man's thigh. He screamed out in pain, then raised his knife again plunging down into the pit bull/lab's body.

“Stop!!” Maggie shouted as loudly as she could. “Please don't hurt her!” As Maggie watched the man fight off her beloved pet, she pulled her pocket-knife out of her belt. She couldn't remember the last time she had needed a weapon to defend herself. She unfolded the knife as she tried to run away. The other man, who looked to be in his early twenties, ran in front of her. He blocked her way then pushed her back. Maggie charged him, aiming her knife at his chest. He turned his body and she drove it into his arm instead. She pulled the knife out and raised it above the young man to bring it down again. Before the knife could make contact. She felt the blow to her head. She collapsed onto the ground and rolled onto her back. She looked up to see Peter standing above her, a large rock in his hand.

“Peter...” she gasped, fighting the urge to black out completely.

“You shouldn't hurt my brother,” Peter replied in a sad and confused tone. “That was mean.”

As Maggie laid on her back, she could hear Sugar whimpering and crying. She turned her head and watched as the older man slowly sliced through Sugar's flesh, cutting off her ear. “Please stop...” she gasped, but her pleas were ignored.

Maggie's eyes opened and closed as she felt the two men dragging her to the water, pulling on each leg. She tried to struggle free but she was no match for them. 

They're going to drown me, she thought to herself. They're going to put me in the water and Glenn and Hershel and my grand babies will never know what happened. They'll never see me again. God please...please don't let them kill me, she pleaded silently.

“Peter, please help me,” she said to the boy as he walked alongside them.

“I can't or my papa will get mad,” Peter said back. “Now just shush.”

Maggie felt her body being lifted up and carried into the water. Just as she was preparing herself to hold her breath, she felt her body being laid into a small boat. They weren't putting her into a watery grave. They weren't going to drown her. Thank you Lord. Thank you, she said to herself as she looked up into the blue sky. She saw the three men climbing into the boat next to her and felt them rowing the boat away. She closed her eyes and slipped into unconsciousness.

She didn't know how long she had been unconscious. Was it the same day or the next day. She balled up her fists and banged on the door as hard as she could. 

“Let me outta here!” she shouted. She waited but heard nothing on the other side of the shed. She reached to her belt to see if by some oversight on their part, she still had her knife. She didn't. They had also removed her socks and shoes. 

She banged on the door again but still, there was nothing from the other side. She walked over to where she thought the corner was. She forgot to drag her feet as she walked and tripped over a bucket and blanket piled in the middle of the shed. She fell to her hands and knees. She felt a crack in her wrist as soon as she landed. Pain shot through her entire hand and arm as she howled out in agony. She crawled over to the corner and leaned into it. 

Maggie slowly pulled her undershirt off. She wrapped it tightly around her mangled and broken wrist. She slumped back onto the concrete slab and finally allowed herself to break down as her tears flowed down her face.

Sugar's cries as she was being tortured, echoed in her head. She had her precious dog for seven years, since she was a puppy. And now those animals had killed her. Maggie wasn't sure if she would make it out alive either. She was dizzy with pain, thirsty and shivering from the February cold. She didn't see a way out of here. She knew was stuck in this shed and there was nothing she could do about it. Something else she knew though, was that her family was looking for her.

…..

By 11 A.M. Carl had gathered 6 search parties together. They had gone over every inch of the island over the last few hours and now he had them all at attention on the North side of the island. 

“I think it's safe to say that Maggie's not here. Glenn and Maggie's dog was killed on this side of the island so that would indicate that Maggie was probably abducted here too. It also stands to reason that they took her by boat across the lake. I already have another few search parties out in Hayesville and I'd like the rest of you to go to the surrounding area and islands. We don't have enough guns for everyone but I want at least one member from each party to be carrying. I want everyone else to be armed as well so carry whatever you're most comfortable with. Each party should also have a walkie.”

Glenn spoke up next. “I know everyone here probably doesn't know what Maggie looks like so look at the picture before you go. She's 5'7” and about 135 pounds. She wears a red, checkered, flannel coat.” Glenn's voice began to crack. “Please...please keep looking for her for as long as it takes.”

“Hershel has a map and he's keeping track of where everyone is going out to look,” Carl continued. “Be careful out there. Stay together and be aware of your surroundings.” Carl looked over at Glenn and Hershel, then back at everyone else. “This could be a long day so be prepared for that. We're not going to stop looking until Maggie's found.”

…..

Carl, Caleb and four others had been on the lake for an hour when they steered the small motorboat into Pitts Cove. There were several inlets in the small cove for someone to pull into and make their camp. They looked at each of the inlets for anything out of the ordinary. 

“Right there! I see smoke!” Marshall called out enthusiastically. 

Caleb motioned to Marshall,“Keep your voice down. Whoever these people are, they're not too smart. If they're trying to hide from us, having a fire in the middle of the day is a bad way to do it.” 

“Maybe they're not trying to hide,” Carl said staring ahead. “Maybe they're trying to bate us with Maggie so we'll leave the island to look for her. Maybe they're just waiting so they can ambush us.”

“There would have to be a lot of them to pull something like that off,” Marshall replied.

Carl looked over at him, tilted his head and cracked the smallest of grins. “Well then let's just hope they're stupid.”

They docked the boat in one of the small inlets and climbed out. 

Caleb pointed to the ground and whispered to his brother-in-law, “Carl, fresh blood on the dirt over here.”

“Good pick up. It rained yesterday so this has to be from today,” Carl said. “Let's hope it's not Maggie's.” 

Carl and the others heard an engine turning over in the distance. A car or a truck. “Whoever it is, they're still here,” Carl said. “We need to find that truck. We can't have them driving away if they have Maggie. We might never find her. We have no idea how many people are here though, so we need to stay out of sight.” Carl pulled the walkie out from his belt and held down the button on the side. “Glenn, Hershel, do you copy?”

Glenn's voice came from the other end. “I'm here. What do you got?”

“I'm not sure yet but we're in Pitt's Cove and there are people here.”

“People? How many? Do you see Maggie anywhere?”

“I don't see Maggie anywhere but it's a pretty big coincidence that people show up at this cove on the same day she disappears. We don't have any idea how many there are but I want you to call the other search parties and all of you to get over here quickly. Whoever they are, I want to outnumber them.”

“We're on our way there! ETA is 15 minutes. I'll get the other parties on the walkie en route,” Glenn replied frantically. There was a few seconds of silence from both sides when Glenn's voice came through the walkie again. “Carl, do me a favor and don't do anything until we get there. Just stay out of sight until you get some back-up.”

“Why?”

“I don't know. I just have a bad feeling and don't want anyone getting hurt. You saw what these psychopaths did to Sugar. I guess it's just the dad in me. I told your dad I'd keep an eye on you and I just don't want to let him down.”

Carl looked down at the ground at the mention of his father. Very few people had spoken to him about his dad in months. It caught him off guard and his concentration on the situation at hand was momentarily broken. He held the walkie in his hand and stared back towards the lake, glistening in the afternoon sun. His dad loved living here on the lake and towards the end, all he wanted to do was sit on the shore and look at the water. And Carl, wanting to be near him, spent nearly every day by his side. 

Carl was a hardened man, tough as nails and resilient. That's the way this world made you. But his father, really all of his family, revealed in him something pliant and vulnerable. He swallowed back the flash of unexpected grief and pulled himself together. “Don't worry. I won't make a move unless I have to.”

“Copy that.”

 

A/N If you have rewatched the show (a thousand times like I have) you may have noticed that there is virtually no Glenn and Carl interaction. This always bugged me because I think the two of them are similar and would have had a good friendship or a brotherly relationship. Love that great feedback you guys give me! It's so encouraging so please keep it up! God bless!!!


	14. Best-Laid Plans

June 24, 2015: Best-Laid Plans

It was an restless night for everyone. By 7 AM, nearly everyone was out of their vehicles and gathered near the playground. Michonne pushed Eva on the only swing on the play structure that was still intact while Judith quietly glided down the slide over and over. 

Holly had finally woken up in the middle of the night. She was petrified at not knowing where she was but Carl and Bob managed to calm her down. She remained inside the camper now afraid to leave that safe haven. Physically, she was okay though, and that was what was important. Carl was with the others, trying to figure out their next move, so Liv stayed by her side.

“So in case anyone isn't aware yet, there are people nearby,” Rick announced. “Now we don't have any idea how many or where they are now. All we saw last night were lights.”

Glenn addressed the group next. “Rick and I talked about it. The plan is still to head to the island. Lake Chatuge is only another 20 miles from here but we decided to go another route to get there. We saw the lights just north of us so we're going to head east a few miles. We're hoping we can just avoid whoever we saw last night – at least for now.”

“Everyone get some breakfast. We're leaving here in half an hour,” Rick instructed.

Rick was just about to go back into the RV when Carl grabbed his arm. “Dad, wait.” 

“What is it?”

“Are you sure this is the best way to do things?”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean maybe we shouldn't just go straight to the island. We don't know who or what is out there. I feel like there's a good chance there's gonna be people on the island.”

“Well what would you suggest?”

“Maybe just a few of us should go...scout it out first. I'd feel better if Judith and Eva and Holly stayed back here and just a couple of people went ahead to check it out.”

Rick sighed heavily, contemplating the idea. “That's not a bad idea but I think I'd rather all of us stay together.”

“Well I'm not sure I'm ready to just go there without checking it out first.”

“Are you volunteering to be one of the scouts?” Rick asked.

“I could go but I was thinking I'd stay back here and take care of the girls.”

Rick couldn't help but remember what Carl had told him the day before. Telling him that he wasn't willing to stick his neck out for anyone but his immediate family.

Rick tilted his head and looked Carl in the eye. “Do you think it's fair to make a suggestion and then expect other people in the group to carry it out?”

Carl shook his head and scoffed. “Are you talking about what I said to you yesterday?”

“That's exactly what I'm talking about. You said you were too selfish to leave your family behind to do something for the rest of the group. Is that really the truth?” Rick asked.

“That's not how I meant it and you know it. You're just trying to pick a fight with me because I'm not stepping in line with you and the way you want to do things!”

“That's not the case. In fact, I've changed my mind. I do think sending a few scouts is a good plan - probably a better plan.”

“What kind of game are you playing with me, Dad? You're changing your mind about this so I'll have to prove to you that I'm not selfish and that I do care about the group.”

“I'm not playing any kind of game with you, Carl,” Rick said angrily. “This isn't a game. This isn't about anyone trying to prove anything. Do you really think I'd make decisions for the entire group based on my expectations of you?” Rick stared Carl down expectantly. “My ego isn't going to ever keep me from doing what's best for the group. Everything is complicated enough already. I got nothin' to prove to anyone and you don't either. It's not about proving yourself, Carl. It's about doing the right thing. That's it!”

Michonne overheard the two of them arguing and walked behind the RV where they were.

“What's going on?”

“Carl said we should send out a few scouts before the rest of us go any further.”

“And you don't agree?” she asked Rick.

“I do agree,” Rick answered sharply staring Carl down.

“Well then what's the problem?”

Carl returned his father's stare. “There isn't a problem. We're going to send out scouts. I'll be one of them.”

…..

The group drove 17 miles closer to their destination. They parked all the vehicles in a small industrial area with plenty of overgrowth to conceal their vehicles.

Rick, Carl, Glenn and Morgan were ready to go. Rick kissed Eva on her cheek and handed her back to Michonne. Judith wrapped her arms around Rick's legs.

“Daddy, please don't go! I need you. I'm still scared. I know I'm not supposed to be but I am.”

Rick picked Judith up into his arms and hugged her tightly. “It'll be alright Pumpkin. It's just like when we were at the library and I'd go out. Mama and everyone else will take good care of you while I'm gone, promise.” Rick could feel her tears on his neck.

“Daddy, no,” she cried. “I need you. I don't want the monsters to get me and I don't want them to get you.”

“They won't get you and they won't get me.”

“They got Abraham and he's big,” she sobbed.

Judith was right. Whether they wanted her to or not, she was old enough to see the reality of what life and death looked like. Rick pulled her away from his chest as she still cried. “Look at me,” he said, wiping her tears with her shirt. No matter what happens, everything will be okay. If anything happens to me, Mama will be here with you. She'll take care of you.”

“What if something happens to Mama?” she asked wiping her eyes again.

“Then Carl will be here with you. There will always, always be someone here with you. Someone who loves you.”

Michonne came to Rick and pulled Judy out of his arms. “Come over here baby girl. Daddy's gotta go and we're gonna stay. There's no time for tears now so you just give your Daddy a kiss goodbye. Okay?”

“Okay,” Judith said somberly. She stretched her body towards Rick kissing him on the lips as she remained in Michonne's arms. 

“That's my big girl,” Rick said, running his hand over her long dark hair.

“We'll be back by four. If we're not...”

“I know what to do.”

“You always do.” Rick placed his hand around Michonne's neck and pulled her close to his face. He rested his forehead on hers. “I love you.”

Michonne pressed her lips to his. “Love you back.”

…..

Rick, Carl, Glenn and Morgan walked the three remaining miles to their destination. As they stood on top of a hill overlooking Lake Chatuge and the small islands within, Morgan shook his head and let out an audible gasp. 

“It's beautiful. Everything we hoped for.” The lake's dark blue water sparkled in the late morning sun. Penland Island, the largest of all the islands, was lush with trees, bushes and other greenery. A variety of birds circled around the lake, some swooping down into the water for a minnow or other small meal.

Several small boats and a few larger ones were docked at the southeast end of the island. Rick peered through the binoculars and investigated the main island.

“I see two rows of small cabins on the east side of the island.”

“Do you see any people?” Glenn finally asked.

“No but I can't see too much of anything with all the trees,” Rick answered. He continued to study Penland Island and the nearby area. He lowered the binoculars from his eyes and looked at the others with disappointment. “This island is occupied.”

Carl took the binoculars from Rick to get a look for himself. “How can you tell if you don't see anyone?”

“Look at the boats. They're clean...no rust on them, no muck or build-up. You can tell they've been used in the last few days.” Rick pointed to an area on the mainland across from Penland. “Look over there too. Do you see those crops? They're being tended. Neat rows...no weeds. There are definitely people here.”

“We all knew this was too good to be true,” Morgan said. “An island like this is invaluable. It was foolish of us to think there wouldn't be people here already.”

“We knew this was a possibility,” Glenn replied.

“We knew it and we planned for it,” Rick said confidently.

“And what exactly is the plan?” Carl asked.

“It's 10:30 now. I told Michonne we would be back by 4. We still have plenty of time to go in further...investigate closer up. That's what we should do.”

“We could also just leave, Rick,” Morgan said. “We could just find somewhere else to go. This isn't the only place we can make our home. There's lots of places we can do that.”

“No. No way,” Carl stated adamantly. “We've all come this far for this place – for this island. We're not just going to give it up and leave. We lost Abraham so we could get this place.”

Morgan fixed his eyes on Carl soberly. “Don't get things confused, Carl. Abraham gave up his life so we could get out of the library safely. We did that. That doesn't mean we have to stay here. We can go somewhere else. I don't want to see anymore blood spilled.”

“No one wants to see that. We just have to be careful. Keep our cool,” Glenn stated calmly, “but we're not giving this place up.”

“We're going in further. You gotta problem with that Morgan?” Rick asked. “If you do, you can stay behind or go back to the others. But the rest of us, we're going.”

Morgan's uneasiness was palpable and could be felt by the others. He grimaced as he stood up in solidarity. “I'm going wherever you're going.”

Rick, Carl and Glenn stood also. “Alright then,” Rick said, “we're going to the bottom of this hill where we can see better. We'll be able to see who's there and hopefully, how many. Let's go.”

…..

The vantage point from the bottom of the hill was much better than their view from the top. The four hid behind a Coral Honeysuckle bush right on the lake's shore. They peered through the branches at the island across from them. They took turns using the two sets of binoculars.

“Over there,” Glenn spoke softly, “do you see? There's at least a couple dozen people gathered under that shelter. They're eating. Looks like an equal amount of men, women and kids.”

“The men are armed,” Rick stated clearly. “Pretty heavy artillery too.”

Carl took the binoculars from his dad and studied the scene for himself. “I'm counting 25 people in all. Nine men...and yep, they're heavily armed. But the women and children, they don't have any weapons at all.”

Morgan observed the scene for a few minutes himself before he lowered the binoculars from his eyes and looked at the others. “I hate to bring it up, but did any of you notice that the entire group of 25 people is all white folks?”

“I guess I hadn't really noticed,” Rick replied. “That is a little strange but it could just be a coincidence. Maybe they're all one family.”

“I'm sure it's probably nothing,” Glenn concurred.

“Are you kidding me?” Carl spoke up. “I think that's really strange. Look at our group compared to theirs. There's no way after this many years they would have such a big group of people that wasn't more diverse.”

“Not unless it was intentional,” Morgan said.

Rick spoke as he continued to investigate the group from afar. “Let's not jump to any conclusions. For now, that doesn't matter. Either they're friendly or they're not.”

“And how do we find that out, Rick?” Morgan asked. “What's our next move?”

Rick stretched his hand out over his face and pulled it down over his scruffy jaw with anxiety. The decision was on him. They always were. If it was a good decision he was making, he got the glory. It was unnecessary and did little to encourage him though. That wasn't the kind of man he was. It never even occurred to Rick Grimes to need or want credit or accolades from the others. 

On the other side of that coin, when things went poorly, Rick was devastated with himself. Every time the group had suffered any kind of loss, Rick found a way to place the blame upon himself. His thoughts would turn against him and show him how he he could have, or should have done things differently. No matter how things went down, he almost always took the groups failure's as a whole, solely upon himself.

Today would be no different. There was a definitive decision to be made and once again, it was placed on Rick's shoulders. The pressure of another potential failure weighed on him and he looked at his three companions. “I'm not going to do it this time.”

“Do what?” Glenn asked.

“I'm not going to make the decision. We all have something at stake here. We all have things to gain and lose in this. We all have to make this decision together. What do you all want to do?”

Silence fell over the men. None of them knew the exact right answer. There was no way to know what their next step should be. The gravity of the decision loomed heavily on all of them.

Carl was the first to speak. “Okay, I have a plan. We all head back to the others. Me and Morgan, we gather our packs and we come back. We go straight up to their camp. We announce ourselves and come in peacefully, minimal weapons and waving the white flag. We get a feel for the place...see what the people are like. Dad, you and Glenn can watch us from right here.”

“Go on,” Rick said hanging on Carl's every word.

“Then, if we can, we leave and report back in a day or two. If for some reason we can't get away, we'll try and signal you. If we don't come back or we can't signal you, you can assume they're unfriendly.”

“And then what?” Morgan asked.

“If you know they're enemies, and we can't get back to you...” Carl sat up straight and looked from Morgan to his dad, “...then do whatever you have to do.”


	15. Penland or Bust

June 24, 2015: Penland or Bust

Carl shuffled around the RV stuffing a number of different, and seemingly unnecessary, items into his pack.

Holly propped herself up in bed and gave Carl a confused glance.“Why are you taking a can opener?”

“If we're going to convince this new group on the island that we've been wandering out on the road for a while, we need to look the part.”

“I'm scared to have you go.”

“Holly, I have to do this,” Carl said as he sat on the edge of the bed. He held her tiny hands in his and looked into her eyes compassionately. “We've come so far and we're almost there. The island is so close...just a few miles away.”

“But why do you have to go?”

“This plan is my idea. It's not fair to come up with an idea and expect someone else to carry it out. I have to go.”

“I know there's nothing I can say to get you to stay so I'm not even going to bother.”

“Well good,” Carl said adamantly. “You have to learn to start trusting me. I've gotten you this far – I've protected you. I'd do anything for you and the baby. You have to trust that. Every decision I'm making, I'm making it for the three of us. For you, me and the baby. You believe that don't you?”

“I do believe that.”

“I know things have been hard the last few weeks but we just have a little more to go and then everything will be alright. Do you believe that?”

“I don't think I'm as optimistic as you are but I'm trying to be. I trust you though, Carl. I know you love me. I know you're looking out for me because for whatever reason...I obviously can't do it myself. My fear gets in the way. It distorts everything and I find myself paralyzed.”

“Is that what happened yesterday?”

Holly turned away from Carl and looked out the window. “I thought I was going to die yesterday. I thought I would be torn apart in front of you. I was convinced walking out those doors would be the last thing I ever did.”

“You made it, Holly.”

“Only because of you. I'm alive right now because of you and I'd be dead if you hadn't saved me.”

“That's true of almost everyone alive. We're all here because someone else risked their life for our life. I saved you but then my dad saved us both. We all need each other.”

Holly turned her blue eyes back up to him. She reached her hand up to his caress his face.“I know you'll do anything to take care of me Carl...I know that. And I love you more than anything for doing that.”

Carl brushed Holly's long, golden hair behind her ear. He leaned over her body and moved his face closer to hers. He tenderly moved his lips along her cheek until he reached her ear. “I love you too Holly,” he whispered, “even more than you know.” Carl felt tears stinging in the corners of his eyes but immediately swallowed the piercing emotions back. He quickly stood up, discreetly wiping the stray tears away.

“I need to get going,” he said standing and turning away from her. 

“Are you okay?” Holly asked with concern as she grabbed onto his hand.

“Yeah. Yeah of course. I just don't want to make my dad and the others wait.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Mom and everyone else will be here if you need anything. Liv said she'll stay in here and play cards with you or something if you want.”

“Yeah that'd be nice. Maybe we'll invite Judith and teach her a new game,” Holly said smiling brightly. “I know everyone's getting tired of Uno.”

Carl smiled and picked up his pack from the floor and slung it over his shoulder. He mindlessly moved his eyes around the RV before landing them back on Holly. “I should be back in a couple days hopefully but I...” Carl's voice nervously drifted off.

“You'll be fine, Carl. If you take care of yourself the way you take care of me, I know you'll be fine.”

“Okay then.” Carl said nodding as he stood still by the door, staring back at her. He glanced towards the door indicating once more his intention to leave but still his feet remained planted, keeping him from going. His hand reached out to the doorknob but he made no effort to open the door and leave. Carl abruptly spun around, dropped his pack and ran back towards Holly. His knees dropped to the floor as he buried his face into her lap.

“I love you Holly,” he said, no longer curbing his emotions. “I love you so much! And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for when I haven't been the man I was supposed to be for you. I'm sorry for every time I yelled at you, or bullied you or treated you less than what you deserve. I'm sorry for every time I couldn't understand whatever it was you were dealing with.” Carl wrapped his arms around her and pulled her small frame closer to himself. He held onto her for dear life not wanting to loosen his grip. A rush of emotion swept over him at the thought of how in love he was with this girl. They had been together for more than two years but something unfamiliar was stirred up in him for the first time. He was suddenly aware of the fact that he needed to take care of her and love her every bit as much as she needed to be taken care of and loved. The depth of that realization moved Carl to cry openly.

Holly pulled his head up from her lap and wiped the never-before-seen tears away gently with her shirt. “Come here,” she said pulling him up closer to her. She placed her hands on his face and parted her lips as she brought them towards his lips. Their mouths opened and locked together fervently as they embraced. They held onto each other and the moment for just a little while longer before Carl finally said goodbye.

…..

Carl, Rick, Morgan and Rosita trekked back the same way towards the island. Rosita insisted on going in Glenn's place saying that it didn't make sense for two fathers of little ones to go on such a potentially dangerous mission.

By 5 PM, the four of them reached the area where they had spied on the islanders before. Carl reached down and picked up a handful of dirt. He spit into and rubbed it onto his arms, face, neck and hands.

“You ready for this?” Rick asked Carl and Morgan.

“Yeah, we're ready,” Morgan replied as he did the same with the dirt.

Carl adjusted his belt and looked at the others. “We're going in peacefully, armed with only my knife and Morgan's staff. We'll act desperate, hungry...like we're no threat, just looking for charity. We'll get a good feel for what they're like. By this time tomorrow, we'll meet you back here. If we can't get away, we'll signal you from the dock on the south side of the island.”

“If we don't see or here from you by 7 PM tomorrow, we're coming in behind you – all of us,” Rick stated.

“Alright then,” Morgan said extending his hand to Rick. Rick put his right hand into Morgan's and shook it once.“Rick, if for any reason I don't come back...”

“You'll come back.”

“But if I don't, take care of Carol for me, okay.”

“Carol's family. That's not something you even have to ask.”

“It's not for your benefit, that I'm asking. It's for mine. I don't like making assumptions or leaving things unsaid.”

“Fair enough, Morgan. I'll always look out for Carol, you never have to worry.”

“We should get going,” Carl announced.

Rick wrapped his arms around Carl. “Be safe out there. Keep your cool and...”

“Got it, Dad.”

Rick released Carl from his grip and took a few steps backwards. “Yeah, I know you do,” he chuckled slightly, “but I'm required as your father to say these things.”

Carl smiled then turned away. He and Morgan began to walk towards the shore. Rosita abruptly turned to Rick and looked him squarely in the eyes. 

“I'm going with them,” she stated.

“What are you talking about? That's not part of the plan.”

“I need to see these people for myself. Besides, having a woman with them will make them seem like less of a threat. I'm going,” she said as she handed Rick the walkie talkie.  
“Carl, Morgan...wait!” she called out as she ran to catch up to them.

…..

Carl, Morgan and Rosita saw the small boat docked on the bank, southeast of the lake. They didn't see anyone around but assumed that if the boat belonged to someone on the island, they would be nearby. The three looked around and found no one. They hopped into the boat and began to row the 1/2 or so mile, across the lake to Penland Island.

Before they could bring the boat to shore, three armed men stood on the dock awaiting their arrival. Carl, Morgan and Rosita all three lifted their arms in the air.

“We're coming here peacefully!” Morgan called out.

“Keep your hands in the air where we can see them!” a tall blonde man in his mid thirties shouted back.

“Can I row us in?” Carl asked. The blonde man nodded. Carl rowed the remaining 30 feet to the shore. Once the small boat bumped into the dock, Carl raised his hands back up.

A brooding, gray-haired man tied the small vessel to the dock then motioned for the three to exit the boat. “Line up over there,” he said while pointing his gun farther up the dock.

“Keep your hands up,” the blonde man reminded them as they stood next to each other. The third man, a plump man with a long beard began to frisk them.

“We don't have any guns,” Morgan said. “I just have my staff and...”

“Quiet,” the blonde man said sternly but with composure. It was obvious he held the most seniority of the three men. “Don't speak unless you're spoken to.”

After the bearded man finished frisking them, he pulled their packs off their shoulders. He spilled them out onto the dock and thoroughly opened every pocket. “They're clean,” he said, “no guns, no bullets, not much of anything valuable.”

“Put your hands down,” the blonde said. He turned his attention to Carl, standing in front of him.“Where did you get the boat?”

“It was docked on the other side of the lake,” Carl replied.

“It's not your boat but you thought it was okay to take it?”

“We didn't know it belonged to anyone,” Morgan said. “Most things are up for grabs these days.”

“Who are you?” he asked looking at Carl again and continuing his interrogation.

“I'm Carl. This is Rosita and Morgan.”

“Why are you here?” the gray-haired man asked.

“We've been on the road for a few months. Morgan said he knew about these islands so we've been making our way here for a while. When we finally got to the lake, we saw smoke coming from this island. We figured there were people here and I'm glad we were right.” Carl smiled unassumingly at each of the three men trying to get a read on them. So far they hadn't said or done anything that his dad or the others wouldn't have done themselves. They had behaved reasonably, as people protecting their home would behave towards strangers. “Do you have any food?” Carl finally asked.

“We haven't eaten anything but bugs and leaves for the last week,” Rosita lied.

“What'd he say about speaking unless you're spoken to?” the bearded man snapped back towards Rosita, as he stood inches away from her face. “We don't know who the hell you are! You're trespassers and you're on our turf! Stay quiet while we figure out what to do with you.”

“Easy Reg,” the blonde man said calmly. “They're trespassers but that's no reason for us to lose our manners.” The blonde man turned his attention back towards Carl. “My name is Mitch. Mitch Douglas. My family has been on this island since the very beginning of this mess. It's been our home and we've managed to keep it safe, but you gotta understand, we've kept it safe because we've been careful. Careful about who we let live here. Careful about who's making decisions. Careful about how we do things. I'm sure you can appreciate that, right?”

Carl met Mitch's eyes with his own. “Of course. There's nothing more important now than protecting yourself and your family. Protecting your home is a big part of that.”

“Exactly,” Mitch replied. “Ya'll pick your packs up and follow me. Now it's not solely up to me to decide whether or not we allow you folks to stay but we can at least get you something to eat while we figure it out.” 

“How many people live here?” Morgan asked.

Mitch continued to walk forward as he answered, “I'm not quite sure we want to divulge those kind of stats to strangers right now. All you need to know is that you are outnumbered and you'd be stupid to try anything.”

“Like I said before, we're no threat to you. We're just folks trying to make it,” Morgan spoke softly.

“Yeah I heard you before, son. You're no threat. You'll just have to excuse me if my comrades and I want to decide that for ourselves.”

After walking nearly a mile from where they docked the boat, the six reached the island's homestead. Carl, Morgan and Rosita quickly looked around, mentally taking notes of everything they saw.

A dozen or so small cottages encircled a large grassy area. There were several more cottages behind those. In the center of the grassy area was a large covered shelter, open on three sides. Within the shelter were several tables and benches and a large outdoor kitchen. Next to that was a playground where several squealing and giggling children were presently playing. There was another large building completely enclosed but with several windows. None of the three could see what was inside that building.

Down near the shore was a washing station and clotheslines. Further up the shoreline, they spotted what looked like animal pens. Goats bleating and chickens cackling in the distance could be heard. 

The three men, guns still raised, led them to the outdoor kitchen. “You folks are just in time for dinner and you're lucky. It's Mary Jo's night to cook and she's probably the best cook on the island.”

“Reg and Billy, you fellas help our new friends find a seat and keep an eye on them while I get them some grub. Mitch returned moments later with four plates of food. He set three of them in front of the newcomers and the fourth in front of himself as he sat down. Carl, Rosita and Morgan looked down at roasted chicken, grits and green beans. Feigning near starvation, the three anxiously dug into their food.

“Thank you,” Rosita said between bites.

Billy returned a greasy smile to her, “Better than bugs and leaves, huh darlin?”

Rosita nodded trying to hide her uneasiness.

“Yes, thank you,” Carl echoed. “It's been bad out on the road. Just two months ago our group was twice as big. I don't know how much longer we would have made it out there.”

Mitch tossed his chicken bone on his plate and leaned back in his chair. He licked his fingers clean then laced them together behind his head. “I like you Carl. I know we just met but I got a good feeling about you, kid.”

Carl let out a small sigh of relief and gave Mitch a reserved smile. “I'm glad. I have a good feeling too. And I would do just about anything to make this place work for me and my friends.”

“You know, you kinda remind me of myself when I was your age.”

“Really? How's that?”

“How old are you? Eighteen...nineteen?”

“Eighteen.”

“When I was eighteen, I had a lot on my shoulders. My mom had just died. Had a heart attack and dropped dead, just like that. My dad was working two sometimes three jobs to take care of me and my sister and brothers. I was the oldest and I had to take care of them. Cooking, cleaning, making sure their homework was getting done. Damn, I even went to their parent/teacher conferences. Overnight I went from screwin' around with my friends and slackin' off in school to bein' a full-time parent. I didn't like it but I did it anyway. Did a pretty damn good job of it too. I see you, a young kid, bein a leader, tryin' your best to take care of your friends. They probably wouldn't be here without you protecting them.”

Carl glanced over at Morgan and Rosita. They had remained silent through the entire conversation. They remembered the instructions of speaking only when spoken to and didn't want to rock the boat with their unpredictable hosts.

Carl brought his attention back to Mitch. “Well that's not the case. They've protected and taken care of me just as much as I've done it for them. Probably more.”

“I doubt that,” Mitch said sitting up straight. “Some men are just better equipped at taking care of others...leading them. It's part of their DNA, the way God made them.”

Carl certainly didn't want to argue his point to Mitch. The point of this entire mission was to safely get a read on these people and report back. Anything outside of those parameters was counterproductive. 

“Well, then maybe...maybe you're right,” Carl answered agreeably as he looked over at Morgan and Rosita cautiously. He could see Rosita doing her best to bite her tongue as the veins in her neck swelled.

Morgan, on the other hand, played things more smoothly. He cautiously raised his hand and looked at Mitch. “If I may speak.”

Mitch glanced over at Morgan and nodded.

“Carl has gotten us farther than I could have ever imagined...farther than I would have if I were in charge. He's a smart kid. He's strong and Rosita and I are lucky to have him leading the way. It's lucky for your group too, that he's here. He'll be an asset to you. We all can be an asset to you.”

“Well that remains to be seen,” Mitch said in a condescending tone. “Since you three have been here, all you've really done so far is stolen a boat and eaten our food.”

“We're hard workers,” Rosita finally spoke up, unable to hold her tongue any longer. “We know how things work and we'll earn our keep.”

“Good,” Mitch said smiling. “I'm glad you already see 'how things work', sweetheart. Everyone here on the islands has to pull their weight and do their part. Everyone here has to do as their told and respect the chain of command. If you folks can do that, I'm sure we'd love to have you stay.”

“That won't be a problem,” Morgan replied.

“Good, good,” Mitch said smiling and nodding. “Hey Reg, why don't you and Billy show these two their new quarters,” he said nodding towards Morgan and Rosita. “I want to take Carl around and show him a few things. I think he should meet my dad and a few others. He can stay in my cabin for now.”

“If it's alright with you Mitch,” Carl spoke out, “I'd like to stay with my friends tonight.”

“Nah, they'll get along without you for one night,” Mitch said in an almost sing-song tone.

Carl stood up, “I really want for us to stay togeth...”

“Chain of command, Carl. Don't mistake my partiality towards you as a sign that you have some kind of authority here. You don't. If you're gonna stay here, it don't really matter to me what you want right now.”

Reg and Billy stood up and looked at Morgan and Rosita, “Clear these plates,” Reg instructed. “Take them over there to where that woman is standing.” Morgan and Rosita did as they were told. Then Carl watched as Reg and Billy led his friends away and out of sight.

“Don't you worry about your friends, Carl,” Mitch said as he placed his arm around the young man's shoulder. “I promise they'll be fine. As for you, I'm gonna show you what a great place this is. After tonight, you ain't never gonna want to leave.”


	16. Help Wanted

June 24, 2015: Help Wanted 

Carl followed Mitch away from the homestead. The two men walked behind the rows of cottages and up a small hill to a larger cabin nestled in the woods. They ascended a stairway to a large wraparound porch. Mitch opened the screen door, then a heavy oak door and walked inside with Carl following right behind cautiously.

“Hey Pop,” Mitch said as he walked into the study. A man in his late sixties sat napping in a large club chair next to a crackling fire. “Pop,” Mitch said again as he shook the older man's shoulder.

“What? What's going on?” the startled man replied as he sat up in his chair.

“Everything's fine. There's new people here...three of them. They found the island.”

“Damn it, Mitch, I thought there was something gone wrong! You wake me up for this?”

“You always want to know if we spot anyone new or if there are any breaches.”

“Well who the hell is this anyway?”

“This is Carl. He came to the island with two others. I think they're gonna stay with us but I wanted to run it by you first, see what you thought. Carl, this is my dad, Henry Douglas.”

“Nice to meet you, Sir,” Carl said extending his hand to Henry.

Henry slapped Carl's hand away brashly and gave him a look of contempt. “I don't care who you say you are!”

Carl pulled his hand back and looked at Mitch expectantly. Mitch looked back, apologizing with his expression.

Henry stood up and grabbed onto Mitch's arm. “Boy, don't you know there are dead people walking around out there. He could be one of them! Get him out of here before he kills us all!” 

“Carl's fine, Pop. He's not going to hurt you or anyone else. He and his friends are going to be able to help out here – protect this place.”

“That's a crock of shit!” Henry yelled back as he picked up his revolver up from the coffee table and pointed it at Carl. Carl stepped back quickly and raised his hands in the air. “They aren't gonna want to do things the way we do. They're going to make trouble for us! Now get him and his friends out of here before I put a bullet in his damn head!”

Mitch smiled at Carl then turned towards his father. He held onto his arms and calmly took the gun from him. “Pop, what's got you actin' like this? You know that you're safe and everything's alright. I like Carl and I think you will too if you just give him a chance. He'll do things the way we do and he'll fit right in.” Mitch guided his father to his chair and helped him sit back down.”

“Mitch just leave me be! I don't feel well and I need to rest. I don't want you here and I certainly don't want this boy here either. Now get the hell out and let me rest.”

“Okay. I'll let you be.” Mitch patted his father on the back, placed the revolver on the mantle and turned to leave.

“Lock the door behind you!” Henry yelled to them. “And don't bring that boy back into this house again, ya hear?”

Carl and Mitch exited the house and walked down the steps in silence. They began walking to another part of the island that Carl hadn't seen yet.

“Well I guess your father doesn't like me too much.”

Mitch shook with laughter. “No. he doesn't like you at all. And he'll hate your friends.”

“What's so funny?” Carl asked.

“What's so funny is that my pop is an old, decrepit lunatic who probably was talking to us with a diaper full of shit!” Mitch glanced over at Carl and smiled casually. “It don't really matter what he thinks. I more wanted to see what you'd do when he went mad on you.”

“What's wrong with him?” Carl asked.

“Our doc said a few years ago that he probably has Alzheimer's. He's been fine until just about seven or eight months ago then his dementia and irritability started getting real bad.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I'm not. Serves him right,” Mitch said walking so fast Carl practically had to run to keep up with him. “He's sick but don't let that fool you. He's always been nasty like that. Used to beat the hell out of me and my younger brothers when we was kids. Never my sister though. He treated her like a princess. Even took things out on us that she'd do. But that's my dad. He has a soft spot for the female persuasion – they're his Achilles heel.”

The two men continued to walk inland, getting farther from the rest of the community. “Where are we going?” Carl asked.

“Well Carl, remember I told you after I took you around this place, you'd never want to leave?”

“Yeah, sure I remember.”

“Now just around these rocks, we have another cabin. A very special cabin where we keep some of our most prized possessions. Everyone on the island, except for the kiddies of course, know about our little getaway here. Most of the women back in the community don't care for it too much but ain't nobody really care what they think anyway. As long as we're the ones keepin' them safe and fed, they don't have much have much say as to what goes on during our off hours. And boy to we know how to have a good time in our off hours!”

Carl and Mitch finally approached the hidden cabin behind the rocks. A tall man in his twenties stood on the porch in front of the door with a Ithaca 37 shotgun. 

“Hey Eddie,” Mitch said slapping the man on his back. “Anyone here right now?”

“Nah, it's still kinda early.”

“This is Carl. He's new here.”

“Hey,” Eddie said.

“Hey,” Carl echoed.

“Now Eddie, Carl and me are going inside for a bit and we don't want to be disturbed. Anyone comes, you just tell 'em the place is already booked and to beat it for at least an hour. Got it?” Eddie nodded as he reached into his pocket. He pulled out a key ring and unlocked the door. He handed Mitch another key. “C'mon Carl,” Mitch said as he turned the knob and walked in.

Mitch closed and locked the door behind them while Carl looked around the room. A chill ran up his spine as he looked from one face to another. Sitting around the room were five women, young and pretty. They all looked clean, well-groomed and were scantily dressed in short dresses or lingerie. Each of them looked from Carl to Mitch with uncertainty in their eyes. Carl glanced down at their feet and saw that each of them had one foot tethered to a pipe by a long cable.

“What do you think?” Mitch asked with a wide grin on his face.

Carl took a step back trying to form an intelligible though in his head. He couldn't believe his eyes and his mouth hung open.

“I can see you're pretty excited and you should be. Aren't they beautiful?”

Carl finally closed his mouth, turned his attention back to Mitch and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah they're beautiful.”

Mitch leaned over to Carl and spoke quietly into his ear. “Is this gonna be your first time?” Carl said nothing. “I mean I thought at first that maybe you were with the Mexican girl but she's a little old for you. You're not with the Mexican, right?”

“No,” Carl replied.

“So maybe this is your first time. You don't have to be shy about it if it is. We've all been there. Now any of these girl's will do whatever you want, just tell them and they'll do it. Only one rule you need to follow: you have to use protection. Most of these females, as pretty as they are, aren't fit for breeding so you gotta use protection. It's in both of the bedrooms and the girl you pick will take care of it. Got it?”

“Yeah. I got it,” Carl said nodding as he stared at the women.

“Now since you're the guest I'll let you pick first.”

Carl looked at Mitch, then over the faces of the five women. He studied each of them carefully, looking to see what they were wearing, how fit they were and even trying to see anything behind their eyes that might tell him something.

“That one,” Carl finally said pointing at a long, dark-haired Asian girl, “I want her.”

“Nice pick right out of the gate! That there is Amy and she's a fine specimen.” Mitch walked over to Amy and unlocked the cuff that kept her harnessed to the pipe. He took her hand in his and led her back to Carl.

“Amy, this is Carl. He's our guest here and I want you to treat him real nice, you hear?” Amy nodded. “Now who do I want tonight,” Mitch asked as held his chin and perused over the remaining women. “I think I will take little miss Gabriela with me. She's a real firecracker!” Mitch walked over to Gabriela and uncuffed her also. “Well okay then. I'm going in this room and Carl, you go ahead and take the other one. Have fun and I'll see you in a while!”

Mitch led Gabriela into the room and was about to close the door when Carl called out to him. “Mitch wait.”

Mitch turned around and stared back at Carl expectantly. “Yes?” he said.

Carl walked up to another girl, a voluptuous, young, black girl with short hair and a look of impertinence. “I want this one too.”

…..

Rick walked into the RV and began to search through the cabinets. He finally opened the last cabinet and found what he was looking for: a bottle of vinegar and some cleaning rags. He pulled them out and was just about to walk back outside when he heard Holly's voice from the back bedroom.

“Hey,” she said in a chirpy tone.

“Hey yourself,” Rick answered as he walked down the hall. “I figured you were asleep and was tryin' to be quiet.”

“Oh I wasn't asleep – just resting.”

“Well sorry to bother you. Can I get you anything?”

“Nah, I have everything I need but...” she began but then stopped talking.

“What is it? You need some water, something to eat?”

“No but...” she stopped again and watched as Rick stared back at her waiting. “I need to ask you a favor.”

“Ask.”

“Well,” she started hesitantly, “I need to get out of here.”

“And go where?” Rick asked.

“Just out. I've been cooped up in this RV for two days and haven't taken a step outside and I need to. I'm ready.”

“Okay, well c'mon then.”

“I can't just get up and walk out of here. It's not that simple. I know that the only way to break out of this constant fear is to just get up and do it. I have to force myself to go...over and over again, no matter how awful it feels.”

“You're right,” Rick agreed. “We all gotta do things we don't want to do, even things we feel like we can't do.”

“I know that now. The thing is, I need help.”

“Do you want me to get Liv or Michonne?”

“No, I was wondering if you would help me...I mean if you're not busy.”

Rick sighed thoughtfully. “I was gonna clean some the weapons but I can ask Eugene to do it. I don't think he's busy at the moment.” Rick looked at his daughter-in-law with curiosity and sympathy. “What's got you wantin' to do this now?”

Holly stood up from the bed and faced Rick. “Right now Carl is putting himself in harms way to try and make a better home for me and the baby. And what am I doing? I'm sitting in here doing nothing. Not helping the group, not contributing, nothing. I'm tired of being afraid and feeling useless. I'm tired of letting Carl down – of letting everyone down. I don't want to be a liability anymore. I want to do something. I have to.”

“And what do you need from me to help you do that?” Rick asked then continued to listen patiently.

“I probably won't be much help to anyone right away. For now I need to just go outside and get used to not being behind walls every second of every day. We're not in the library anymore and thinking this RV is really protecting me is a joke.” Holly's eyes turned away from Rick as she looked down at her feet. “Will you just go with me outside the RV - stay with me and not leave my side?”

“I can do that,” he answered gently.

Rick went back outside to turn his chore over to Eugene while Holly put her socks and shoes on. When he returned, she was sitting on the sofa, her legs bouncing up and down nervously.

“Do you want to take a weapon with you?” Rick asked.

“No, not yet. That's too much for me to think about right now. I know you'll protect me.”

“Okay, next time. You ready to go?” Rick extended his hand out to her.

Holly hesitated, but not for long. She took a few more steps towards the door of the RV leading out into the unknown. She was less than a foot away from the exit when her breathing increased and her body started trembling even more.

“You can do this and I'll be right by your side.”

“Are there any walkers nearby?”

“No. Glenn and Sasha are on watch and they would say something if there were. We're safe, Holly. You're safe and I won't let anything happen to you.”

“Okay,” she said taking a deep breath as she quickly turned the knob and swung the door open. She slowly took the next few steps that led from the RV to the pavement outside. She held onto Rick's arm tightly with both hands as she moved forward. She stood with her eyes closed, in the parking lot of the industrial area where they were camped. Her breathing slowed and she opened her eyes to look around. 

Rick held onto her arm as she took her first few steps away from the RV. He could feel the constant quivering emanating from her small body. “Do you want to see the others? Michonne and Liv are with Maggie and the kids at the table just over by those trees.”

Holly shook her head. “Can I just stay close to the RV this time?”

“Sure.”

Winnie was laying in the shade of the RV when she saw Holly and quickly stood on all fours. She eagerly ran to Holly and nuzzled her face into her side, excited to see her. “Hey girl!” Holly said as she let one hand free from Rick and leaned over to pet the dog.

“Eugene,” Rick said, “will you hand me that leash in the crate over there?”

Eugene brought the leash to Rick then looked over at Holly. “It's a fine surprise to see you outdoors, Holly. I hope it's something we'll see more often.”

“Thanks Eugene,” she replied.

Rick fastened the leash to Winnie's collar then placed the other end in Holly's hand. “You're doing good, Holly. Carl's gonna be real proud. Hold onto Winnie's leash and we'll just walk around the RV.”

Holly inhaled the fresh air surrounding her and felt the warmth of the sun on her fair skin. The shaking slowly subsided and her breathing slowed down as she continued her minuscule but monumental journey. She took one step after another with Rick to one side of her and Winnie to the other side. And as she walked, the slightest of smiles crept up on her face.

…..

“Carl, you dog!” Mitch hooted. “I never took you for the lady's man. If you want both these girls to enjoy, I'm happy to oblige! That's Desiree. You're gonna have your hands full with that one, both literally and figuratively. Desi, get over here,” Mitch called out. Desi folded her arms and rolled her eyes as she walked over to Mitch. Mitch slapped her on the face lightly. “Behave yourself Desi and don't roll your eyes at me ya little bitch. Now put your foot on this chair.” Desi did as she was instructed and Mitch unlocked her foot. He motioned for her to follow Carl.

“Thanks,” Carl said as he followed the two girls into the bedroom.

“Now don't let her give you a hard time, boy. If she does, just give her a good, hard slap and she'll fall in line.”

Once in the room, Carl closed and locked the door quickly. Amy sat on the bed and pulled her dress off. She dropped it on the floor and started to unfasten her bra.

“Don't do that!” Carl shouted quietly. “And put your dress back on!”

Amy raised her heavy eyes up to Carl in bewilderment. “I just want to get this over with.”

“Look,” Carl said as he backed away slightly, “I'm not having sex with you. I just want to talk. Now listen to me and answer my questions...please.”

“Well I have some questions too. Who are you?” Desi asked placing her hand on her hip. “I ain't never seen your face before!”

“I'm Carl. I just came to the island today...me and my two friends. Do you know where they might be?”

“Is they white?” Desi asked.

“No. Why?”

“If they ain't white, they ain't here.”

“What do you mean? Where would they be?” Carl asked in exasperation.

“This island is for white folk. Everyone else is on the mainland across the lake.”

“But I saw a couple of black people at the homestead. I saw a Hispanic guy there too.”

“They call them the 'house niggas'. There's only a few of them they let stay here on the island – the ones they trust, maybe five or six at a time. And me. They let me stay here too and I'm sure you know why.”

“They force you to...” but Carl couldn't bring himself to say it.

Amy finally spoke again. “Yeah. They force us to have sex with them. Anyone who comes in here, we have to do whatever they say.”

“And if you don't?” Carl asked.

“Oh they apologize and leave us alone,” Desi said rolling her eyes again. “What do you think happens?” She held out her arms to reveal several scars. “That son of a bitch in the other room did this to me with the fireplace poker last time we was together more than a year ago. I told him if he put anything in my mouth, I was gonna bite it off. He didn't believe me. He was so mad he pressed that hot poker up and down my arms all night. We don't get along too good!”

“I'm sorry,” Carl said. His words seemed woefully inadequate as they came out of his mouth.

Desi and Amy sat on the bed waiting in silence. Carl slid down the wall to the floor and sat there thinking. He looked around the room trying to figure out what his next move should be. His eyes finally came back to the girls.

“How many guys usually come up here at a time?”

“There ain't usually more than three or four here – sometimes a few more. After they's done with us, sometimes they just sit out there drinkin' and playin' cards all night,” Desi answered. “Plus there's always someone on the porch keepin' watch, makin sure we don't try to escape.”

“Have you ever tried to escape?”

“Yeah. That's why they started keepin' us chained to the pipe.”

“I just have a few more questions,” Carl said as he stood up and walked over to the bed. He looked at both the girls intently. “How fast can you run and how far can you swim?”


End file.
